Do Unto Others...

I've been thinking about this for a good bit. It all started with me getting pregnant, and a girl from the gym got pregnant about 2 weeks after me. I haven't seen her in person for nearly a year, but we've stayed in touch because we were pregnant and now we are mommies! I gave birth three weeks early, and she gave birth eight weeks early. We both are educators. We both have NICU babies. Harper Grace spent less than a week there, but Ellie Faith will have to stay longer. 

We're at least ten years apart in age. She's incredibly fit (you know, one of THOSE girls). In the gym, she was quiet and me...well, I was boisterous. We're alike, yet so different. 

Let me tell you why I like her so much. She doesn't know this, no one does. It's all about how she treated me one morning.

It was a 5 am boot camp, and we were divided into groups of four. For some reason I was separated from my usual foursome. Basically, your group had to do a certain set of exercises and then you had to run. We all know, no matter how much I wanted yo love it, I hated to run. I hated to be the "fat kid" in this group. I hated to slow everyone down- especially my new partner. The fit girl. The girl who runs and could wear those black exercise pants without a side of fruit for cottage cheese. 

One of the other people in my group should've acted like my friend. They'd worked out with me plenty before. They knew my ability level. Problem? They didn't. 

My new partner could've run laps around me- multiple laps. She didn't. She could've done 10000000 sit ups to my 100, but she didn't. She kept a pace I could tolerate and never once complained. In fact, she even walked some with me.

Remember the other person that I expected to be supportive or at least kind? She blew past me and said, "I'm so tired of this." She didn't want to wait. She wasn't worried about the success of our assigned team. She sure as hell wasn't worried about my feelings- if she was, she would've whispered...or waited until she was way ahead of me to mouth off. I mean, let's be honest, she was faster than me and would've been ahead. 

It's funny when we see the true side of people. The person I expected to be frustrated and disappointed to be my teammate wasn't, and the person I expected to be kind...wasn't. 

So, a year later, I remember this. It still weighs on me. It probably always will. Fat people will understand this. People who have been picked on will get it. I was trying to change and grow, and this person discouraged that. I'm sure not intentionally, but it doesn't matter. 

Thank you, Bethany, for showing true character. 

A Baby Story...

It's taken me a while to be able to write this...this. The story of the greatest, and yet most terrifying day of my life. The day I became a mommy, but almost didn't. 

Those who know me, know that I worried nonstop about the baby I was carrying. My doctor knew I'd do anything for her. We often joked that if he told me standing on my head for a week would be good for her- I'd do it. I'm 37 and never thought I'd have this moment. I thought I'd blew it. I've had guilt over being able to get pregnant when others couldn't, having a baby when others lost theirs. 

The last few weeks of my pregnancy, as I knew we wouldn't be going full-term, my doctor was "intentionally vague" with me. He told me he was being so. I developed polyhydramnios, extra fluid in my placenta. I had high blood pressure (at times topping 190/120), and I had a big baby inside. 

Finally, he gave me about one week's notice. We talked about the options. Do I try to deliver vaginally or just do the csection? This, my friends, is the decision that will haunt me forever. He told me I had a 50/50 shot of having a csection, even after trying vaginally...and I decided to try. 

I went to his office on Tuesday, October 8. He started the induction process with a balloon that helps you dilate. My mom, Michael and I went to Niki's for my last pregnant meal. Note: if you have the balloon procedure- go to a restaurant with comfy chairs. Then we reported to the hospital.

Contractions were the worst around midnight. They were horrible. Michael remained calm. My mom was doting- offering a cold cloth, rubbing my leg- basically putting herself in the lions den. Finally, the balloon came out and contractions improved. 

Early the next morning, my amazing doctor came by. They broke my water- which was amazing. I loved the way it felt, and it kept gushing all day because I had extra fluid. I got the epidural, a catheter and slept most of the day. 

Around 3, I think. We were ready to start pushing. That epidural stuff is amazing. Yes, I was pushing. I was having contractions, but they didn't hurt...and it was working. Kind of. I was updating Facebook, thought we were good to go. 

5:30ish my doctor comes in and I announce, "It's time for the Hoover." At this point we thought she needed help getting out and so we tried for suction. This, my friends, did not work. My tailbone was too prominent and we had to go straight to csection. 

I can't tell this story without crying, it hurts just to think about it. I was terrified. I've not had major surgery and they were about to cut me open. They didn't let Michael in while they prepped me. Then, when he came in, they explained just how it would go, when he could take pictures, everything. Except it didn't go that way. When they went in to get her, she was so far down in the birth canal, that they couldn't get her. Damn that Hoover. I remember excruciating pain on my upper abdomen and rib cage. I remember her coming out- but no cry. They never took our camera. Then, nurse after nurse after nurse- probably 20- poured in. No one would tell me what was happening. I just wanted to know she was okay. 

But she wasn't. My baby girl, precious and wonderful, was not breathing at birth. The wonderful army of nurses helped her. They made her breathe. We finally heard a tiny cry. We didn't get to hold her, just a brief touch as they wheeled her to NICU...and took Michael with her. 

I can't begin to describe the terror I felt. I wanted this baby more than life itself. Amy, my nurse for the whole day, stayed with me. I don't know if she had to. I don't want to know. I joked all day with her and my doctor all day that we had to deliver before Amy left at seven. She got down on her knees, looked me in the eye, and told me that my baby was going to be okay. She consoled me and reassured me...even after seven. 

They wheeled me to my new room, and she stayed with me. She never left until I was settled and my family came in. At first, I got to see everyone for just a second. Then they sent them out for 30 minutes while I recovered. They sent them to NICU to see my girl. Those  were long 30 minutes- I was so worried that my baby wasn't okay and there wasn't anyone to tell me. I remember when they walked in.  My mom, Michael, my in-laws, Michael's aunt and uncle, Misty, Dra and Michelle. They were smiling and they promised me that my girl was okay. 

God is so good. I don't remember much more of the night. I remember touching my baby for the first time, and seeing she was okay. I remember driving my nurse nuts that night- I was worried about HG and whether they'd tell me if she was doing well. I remember crying because- had I gone with my gut and had the csection- this wouldn't have happened. 

What I need to remind myself is that everything happens for a reason. I don't ever want to have regrets because I'd alter the chain of my life events. The guilt doesn't make this easy, but my girl is okay. I know it because she sits in front of me now- grunting and making faces as she thinks about waking up. 

We didn't have a normal delivery. We don't have footprints or the photo of Michael cutting the umbilical cord. We won't have those delivery moments, but we have our baby to make years of memories with. We will always cherish this picture. My amazing doctor, King Midas, holding G at our first appointment. This is a memory we didn't make at the hospital, but I'm so blessed we made it a week later. I couldn't thank him without crying. He saved my baby. He took care of me, and I adore him. 

This is the story of Harper Grace's arrival. I'm so thankful it has a happy ending and that I could tell it. I look forward to telling many more stories about this beautiful girl over the next 60 years. 

Oh yea-and she will definitely be an only child. 

J

Pregnancy Products

I've been thinking about this blog for a couple of weeks. Now that I know I have less than two weeks (aaaaaack!) left, I thought I better get on it. 

Let me start by saying that, until mid-September, I had a relatively/ comparatively easy pregnancy. I haven't had (knock on wood) constipation, morning sickness or unmanageable exhaustion. I've also still gained less than 20 pounds...that's because I started out "plus" sized. You skinny folks are screwed ;)

Okay, so here we go: these are products that have helped me survive months 1-9 of pregnancy.

1) Target layering tank tops. These are the ones that run about $9 and don't have the ridges. I bet I own 15 of them, and now that I'm on bed rest- it's all I wear. I wear two with gauchos, yoga pants or a skirt. They're stretchy and LONG. This becomes important when your belly gets huge and you start to have a midriff in everything. These cover your belly. 

2) Comfortable dresses. I shop mostly from Old Navy online for these. They have an empire waist and give you room to breathe. I like the long ones so that when veins start turning your legs purple- you can cover them. Note: don't wear dresses to doctor appointments late in the pregnancy. You need constant belly access, and tank tops and comfy pants make that easy. 

3) SNOOGLE. If you don't have this pillow yet- buy one this week. They are about $60 at your nearest baby store. Anyone who tells you a regular body pillow will do is lying. I was a stomach sleeper and cuddling with this helped me transition to my side. Oh- I also developed a bizarre desire to switch sides with every potty trip at night. This helped. 

4) A huge water bottle. I use the Tervis 24oz with a flip top- it's top makes it easy to carry and not spill. You have to drink so much water- and this is convenient.

5) Tums original. I don't enjoy taking meds while pregnant, there are a few that are ok to take and your doc should give you a list. Anywho- these have been very helpful with late pregnancy heartburn and they're kind of yummy. 

6) Comfortable flip flops. You really need more than one pair and if it gets too cold in winter? Ugh! My feet grew out of my regular shoes basically at the end of my first trimester. I usually wear a 9-9.5, I'm now in an 11 flip flop. Nothing else fits and you don't want to ugly stepsister them into a shoe. 

7) Poise pads (awkward). Look, if you don't pee when you sneeze, laugh, cough or...breathe, you're lucky. I discovered the poise pantiliner months ago and it helps. You don't just have to worry about pee, you also have a ridiculous amount of (ew) discharge. A poise pad also helps track the amount of discharge in case you're worried you might leak fluid. It helps measure the amount of discharge and (God forbid) if you need to smell it. 

8) Shout stain remover. Your belly and boobs will grow and you won't be able to sit at close to the dinner table. This means you'll be a messy (messier, in my case) eater. 

9) A doctor you adore. I love my doctor, his nurse- the whole office. They make me feel comfortable with questions and will fit me in immediately. The office staff knows my name, the ultrasound tech is awesome... I think they're the best. My doc always remembers what I tell him and it creates a comfort level. 

10) If you have PEEHIP insurance, look into the Baby Yourself program. They assign you an RN you can call with questions. As a result of finishing their program (basically a few phone conversations), our hospital deductible was waved :)

11) An amazing husband or partner. I never expected to be sitting on bed rest, but Michael makes it so much better. He's involved in all things baby- he helps with the nursery, he took all of her tags off clothes, has helped with laundry. He runs to get me my daily coke (I drink one/day), goes to the grocery, brings home dinner. He tolerates my weird body questions: do I have a linea nigra yet, are my nipples different, does my belly button look funny? 

Ooh- let me add a few websites/apps:

-What to Expect

-The Bump

-Alphamoms Pregnancy Calendar

-My Pregnancy

-a kick counter app

- I also follow Ask The Chicks on Facebook. They have some helpful stuff, but they're really granola- so they have some strong opinions on formula, circumcision, crying it out, etc

I think those are my big ones. I'm so excited to meet my sweet girl and thankful for the prayers and blessings we have had. 

Getting stoned...

I'm officially 32 weeks pregnant (that, my friends, is 4/5 of the way done). Let me tell you, this last week has been the hardest. Why? I got stoned. 

There are some good stones- Rolling Stones, Tim Stone (my personal favorite). Then there are some bad stones. These kind appear in your kidneys with jagged little edges and make you want to rip your face off. 

My mom gets kidney stones...a lot. I never quite understood how painful they are. I do remember about 15 years ago, I got a call at work that Jakes dad was at the ER and they thought he had a heart attack. Nope. Kidney stone. A few years ago, Rhonda Jett missed work because of kidney stones. These are all badass people taken down by millimeters of calcification. So, lets just say I respect the stone. 

You may recall my fb past last Saturday about some back pain. In retrospect- that was a hint to my body that I missed. This past Saturday, the first day of college fb season- my favorite day of the year, I hit the couch to watch some games. This attack was a blindside I cannot begin to describe. Out of nowhere I felt this horrible pain in my lower left side. Basically it felt like I'd been kidney punched. I tried everything- a hot shower, lying on both sides, heating pad, ice pack, yoga positions to move the baby. Finally, when I find myself on all fours, rocking and crying- I knew I had to call the doctor. The person on-call told me to go to the ER. I was in Cullman- so we went to that hospital. 

Here's a pregnancy benefit: when you're as pregnant as I am- you don't wait in the ER. You go to labor and delivery. Thank goodness. All I needed in my moments of pain was to worry about what I'd catch from whom. EW. 

They wheel me up and get me nekkid. I pee in a cup and they draw some blood. They hook me up to a fetal heart monitor and a mommy monitor. One nurse, not the kind Brenda who is my only positive memory of the place, comes in and gruffly says, "You notice blood in your urine?" Ummmmm. No. 

Finally, as we wait for the doctor, I ask (you know, for Michaels sake) if we can turn the game on. I'm such a good wife. 

Doctor John Wideman (remember his name and run if you ever see him) comes in, says I probably have a kidney stone, maybe a UTI- but he isn't sure so he doesn't want to give me an antibiotic, and since I'm pregnant, sorry- not much to do for me. They give me a shot of Staydol (fast acting, short lasting) pain killer and send me out the door. 

A few hours later I'm calling to see when I can take Tylenol...the pain is back. I sleep and wake up Sunday feeling better. By about 2 pm, the pain is back and just there. By 6 pm, I am calling the on-call person again. I'm using Tylenol and a heating pad- but in pain. At 2 am ( one hour after going to bed), I wake Michael to tell him we're going to Birmingham. By 2:30 (and about 20 mikes down the road), the pain is lessening- so I tell him to come home. By 3:30, as a storm is rolling in, I'm waking him again. This time the pain is at its worst. I call St. Vincent's and tell them I'm coming. 

I walk in the door, they put me in a room. I get nekkid again, I (finally) pee again, they hook me up to monitors. Soon a nice doctor comes in, tells me they're going to do an ultrasound, check blood, and then tells me I'm not leaving until I'm better. Novel, I know.

By about 12:30, the pain is pushing a 10. It's sudden and I jump out of the bed, sweating, calling for help- I'm pretty sure I'm dying. They give me a shot of Staydol- which helps. I think around 4:30 the big attack hit. This time I'm out of the bed, ripping all of the monitors off, pacing, crying and mention that I'd like to rip my kidney out by hand. Quickly, they give me a different shot and it knocks me out. 

This drug continues every 3 hours (or so). My last one was at midnight- which gave me about 4-5 hours of good sleep. I woke up the next morning and haven't had the pain again. We think I passed it, but I was stoned a straining my own pee....so? Did I mention that they had me on an IV the whole time to flush my kidneys AND gave me an antibiotic. 

The funniest part- always a bright side- was my child. She refused to allow them to use that heart monitor on her. She'd let them catch her heartbeat and then kicked, wiggled and squirmed away from it. My kid much? 

I've had a horrible headache since release. I'm sure part of it is coming off of the narcotic cloud, and part of it is living on saltines and water for a few days (yes, they offered me food, but nooooo). 

This story has a sequel about etiquette when sharing hospital space, but I have to get to work! 

Life at 29 weeks...

Okay, as much as I don't get those "Pregnant and didn't Know It" pregnancy shows, I also don't get those people who think the being pregnant thing is amazing. I love the IDEA of being pregnant, I love the outcome, I think it is amazing to watch my body change. I suck at being pregnant. 

Right now is a great example- Harper Grace is doing the cha-cha slide in my belly. THAT is amazing. At the same time, my bladder hurts from her river dancing. 

I'm at week 29. Depending on the source, HG weighs between 2-3 pounds. Basically she's like a crockpot on warm...developed but needs more time to perfect. People are telling me ill never make it 11 more weeks, lets hope I make it at least 7. 

Things that suck at 29 weeks:

- having to pee hourly

-waking up with a puke taste in your mouth from heartburn

-stupid comments from people like "this walking will do you good" or "the baby is making your face fat"

-the ongoing worry of leaking amniotic fluid...thankfully it's (ugh) discharge

-horrible hand and wrist pain at night

-the need to buy a powerlift chair to get my big butt from the couch

-exhaustion

-it's becoming impossible to shave my legs, I can't reach

-temper.

Things that rock at 29 weeks:

- feeling my baby kick regularly

- feeling my baby kick regularly; and

- feeling my baby kick regularly.

I'd be happy if I could wear gauchos and tank tops every single day. I'm in a size 11 flip flop (they're too long, but they fit the width). My fake wedding band is having "too small" days. Argh!

We (haha) have a painted nursery and have furniture ordered. We have yet to get our other big items...we have 11 weeks, right? :) We've taken our baby class. I've hardly packed my apartment. Seriously. Who has energy for that?

We have 3 baby showers scheduled- all strategically scheduled around football! One of my precious AEA members is hosting a member shower, Michael's family is having a Cullman brunch, and my closest friends are having the big she-bang! (PS- I put a call out for those who wanted to be invited to send me addresses...if you didn't and want- send it). 

My latest stress is being out on bed rest. I have exactly 14 weeks of possible paid leave, so every week I make it is another week I could spend with the baby after she's born. I must make it 6 more weeks to not have to borrow from the sick bank (a cool thing for education employees!) and have enough paid leave to heal from either a c-section or regular birth. Note: I'm not using the term natural- that means drug free. Sorry red ribbon week. 

So that's the biggest topic now. I was certain I wanted a c-section. Clearly I have no desires to wear a two piece. I love the idea of scheduling her birth (I'm a planner and it might be my last scheduled anything ;), I love the idea of not being ripped in half by a baby's shoulders. People. Have you met my husband? Then there's the diaper, sitting on ice and a spitz (?) bath. 

Now I'm freaking out about this uterus massage thing. I want what is best for HG. Oh and will they have scrubs big enough for Michael to come in the OR? For real, one time the hospital tried to send him home in trash bags because they didn't have anything to fit him. My husband must be with me for this!!!

Then there is the worry about will I be a good mom, will I be able to breastfeed, will I fall asleep when I'm supposed to be feeding her? That's the short list. 

Well, I have to attempt to get some sleep...since I have to get up before the sun tomorrow. It might be hard since the assholes upstairs are ready for football season and are walking like elephants. 

My wishes for you, baby girl.

I can't think of anything that consumes me more than my hopes and dreams for my little girl. I am so nervous about how we will do at parenting. Michael? Not so much. He just says, "If ___________ can do it, so can we." 

I want her to be beautiful (and not in a "I'm her mom so I have to think so" way). I want her to be smart, to be loved. I want her to be her own person, a leader and a positive influence on others. I want her to get her daddy's singing voice and some magical athletic ability. I want her to love to read. I want her to never worry about who loves her, family drama or feel pain because adults are assholes. 

I want us to have a balanced relationship- where she comes to me with life issues, but not where we go out and party together. I want to support her, make her feel good about herself and love her. I want her to have her dad's logic, reason and his ability to fix things with his hands. I want her to have my passion for causes and my work ethic (oh-and my sleep patterns!).

Most of all, I want her to have a daddy. I don't believe that there is a more important relationship, in the world, than a father/daughter relationship. A girl needs to see her daddy be a good man. She needs to see him respect her mom and his own mom. She needs to see him show love and affection. Don't get me wrong- single moms do an amazing job daily- but I want my little girl to have a daddy. 

I want her to melt his heart when she calls for him, to see him on the floor playing Barbies or teaching her to use her pink hammer. I want to walk in and see her asleep on his chest. I want her to know that she is his princess and nothing will change that. I want her to know that no boy better break her heart and when "the one" comes along-he goes to her daddy to ask for her hand. 

I can't get through Steven Curtis Chapman's song, Cinderella, right now without crying. That's what I want for my baby girl. 

As a child, I had "that" relationship with my dad for about 6 years. It was magical. I remember my pride when he helped to teach my PE class. I remember coming home and snuggling up in the big waterbed with him. I remember birthday cards with strawberry shortcake and his writing inside. I remember seeing tears in his eyes- tears for me- as we moved from California. I remember the trip just he and I took to help him move to join us in Indiana. I rode my first roller coaster on that trip, and rode on his shoulders when we ran out of gas. I left his wallet in a Wendy's and I don't remember that he yelled or screamed or anything. 

That's what I want for my baby girl. I want her to feel a love so precious that any man who comes into her life when she's grown- has to compete with that. 

Fathers be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers, that turn into mothers

So mothers be good to your daughters too.  

So I'm 6.5 months pregnant (or 24 weeks and 6 days, if you want to know the truth)

There are still nights when I am in bed and I cry. I am so excited about this baby growing inside if me. I have moments when I imagine holding her in my arms and it is beyond words. 

When one if my "kids", Jordan Lykes, found out I was pregnant, she was excited because she knew how bad I wanted this. I don't think many people realized just how important this was. I hid it. People would constantly ask about having kids, tell me how wonderful if a parent I would be, say they've always pictured me as a mom. I just didn't think it would happen. 

I am so blessed. I know it and I bet I thank God at least 25 times a day. However, pregnancy is NOT fun. Here's why:

1) I've only gained 12 pounds. My waist is still smaller than when I weighed 263.5. I feel like I've gained 100...and not in an "I'm so fat" sort of way. Nope. This is in an "I can't breathe" sort if way. 

2) I still check for blood after every restroom trip. Lets say I potty a minimum of 12 times a day. Think about that. Of course- this reminds me to Thank God! 

3) Speaking of restroom trips- they never cease. You go almost hourly while asleep. Interesting fact: the fluid from your extremities comes home at night- entering your bloodstream and making you pee. 

4) speaking of restroom trips: there is a reason new moms don't gag at their baby's crap. The reason is- they've been gagging at their own for 9 months. It's horrible. One day is likes delivering an elephant our if your ass and the next is diarrhea (cha cha cha). Ugh!

5) Google. Yep. I have no idea how pregnant women survived pre-Internet. I bet they didn't develop every possible issue though. I bet I google every feeling or pain I have. The good news is: so does everyone else. You never feel alone is your left leg numbness caused by heartburn with carpal tunnel at 24 w is the baby kicking. 

6) baby movement. EVERYONE asks, "Have you felt the baby move yet?" This question leads to more google searches. Fortunately, I now know I have an anterior placenta and my baby movement is different from others. 

7) You feel old. The amount of aches and pains I experience is apparently the same as my 80 year old Granma. Worse? I talk about it nearly as much as she does. 

8) This second trimester burst of energy promise is a LIE. Thanks, Pinnochio. I've got about 2 weeks left until the 3rd trimester and I've yet to find it. 

9) the moodiness is still here. If you don't believe me, ask my mom or my husband. I'm emotional, cranky and constantly worrisome. 

10) It's impossible to be comfortable. Remember #7? Yep- well this aches and pains that are from your shoulders down to your toes make everything uncomfortable: sleeping, sitting, standing, breathing, eating...

11) Guilt. I wonder if everything I do will hurt Harper Grace. I rarely will take ONE Tylenol. I won't eat lunch meat. I drink one and only one caffeinated drink a day. I don't read my scary mysteries or the good sex scene novels. I'm trying to quit cussing. 

12) Pee! This is no joke. You pee yourself regularly. No..you don't soak your drawers, but like teaching a kindergartener to glue "a little dab'll do"

13) Boob obsession. This is Michael's favorite part (yea right). I ask him weekly if my boobs are any bigger? What about my nipples? Have they changed colors? Is my linea nigre showing? Lately I've started an informal measurement of belly button depth.

Being pregnant is awesome. I love the idea of it. I'm blessed to have my baby girl. It just isn't fun. It's kind of like the Warrior Dash. I'm so proud to do it, but there are some bumps, bruises, hills and tears along the way. 

That's my update. I'm now going to bed so my retained fluid can return to its assigned location. 

Wedding Jitters

Let me be clear, I don't have a doubt in my mind about the man that will become my husband tomorrow. He's perfect. We laugh, poke fun, love, console and are best friends to each other. We've been through a tornado that could've taken his life, a blizzard that lasted about a week, death and turmoil. I know he's "the one" and he will be an amazing daddy to my little girl. 

It's not him that makes me nervous. It's marriage. The institution. The lifelong commitment. It's the 50% success rate. I don't know many people who are successful at marriage. It's not like becoming an engineer or a chemist. They don't have classes or textbooks or continuing education. 

My parents are divorced. Their parents are divorced. I have a handful of aunts and uncles who haven't been divorced. Friends divorce- it's so easy. I've been married once before and I was HORRIBLE at it.  

How do you guarantee success? How do we stay secure in our relationship so that we don't fail? How do we stay IN love and not just love each other? How do we handle being two (incredibly) independent people merging into one household. 

You see, that blizzard is the longest we've ever "lived" together. Yep- we've taken vacations, but never alone for that long. We stay together on the weekends, but we maintain two households. How do we handle finances without allowing them to come between us? How do we raise our daughter to be an amazing, loving little girl without screwing up? How do we avoid being "those parents" at a restaurant. You know, the ones that sit in silence with each other and only talk to their kid? How do we make important decisions about where to live, what to do for holidays or whether to allow our daughter to date? 

I honestly don't know. I wish I did. Truth is, I'm a horrible student- so even if they had the textbook and the class- it wouldn't help me. I sure hope that my own mistakes will teach me a lesson or two. I cross my fingers that we'll remember never to go to bed angry and talk stuff out. I pray that we provide an example for Harper Grace and show her what a loving relationship looks like. Heck, maybe we can show ourselves. 

Thanks everyone for the prayers and the well wishes- I hope they don't end tomorrow. Yep- that may be the easiest day of our journey together. 

An Angel is born.... Or at least moves home

I was so sad to see the news that Mike Marion passed away. I know many of you never met Mike, and maybe you're wondering just who he is. 

In Late January of 1999, we had a break-in. I was living with Jake and Drew at the time and some ass decided to bring three friends and crash into our apartment. We were all assaulted and this day, nearly 14 years later, I can see the face of the "guard" standing outside our door to stop us. Fortunately, the ass who instigated this was one of my middle school crushes- I'd have known him anywhere. We called the police, went to the hospital (mostly because Drew's Samson locks were covered in blood). 

The West Lafayette Police Department assigned a detective to our case. I won't lie- it scared me to death. I didn't want to leave home, go to class or be around anyone. Jake bought a gun...THE GUN. 

So this detective was an amazing woman. Her name is Cindy. Cindy Marion. We weren't the easiest victims to deal with. I was needy and the guys wanted to pretend it didn't happen. 

Cindy helped us through all of it. She helped us when I was driving one day and saw the "guard" guy sitting on a front porch. She helped us through the court case and testifying. More importantly, she got Jake and I through it. 

She invited us to church. Us to church. Back then, that was like inviting a chicken to Chic-Fil-A. I mean, she was a police detective- we HAD to go. Right? She then introduced us to her family...and Mike. 

Mike became like a father to us, they both became like parents. They kept us coming to church. They mentored us, encouraged us and helped us as a couple, as Christians and as people. 

We became Sunday School teachers for the teens. I was baptized. We stayed active in the church. Our relationship with the Marions grew. They were present when we got married and supported us as we tried to be successful. They were there for me when Jake used THE GUN to take his own life. 

I guess I cut many people in my life out when he died. It was my way of moving on...I haven't talked to our pastor from Lafayette. I didn't socialize with my hometown friends for almost 10 years. I was timid each time I went to the mall, because I might run into someone. 

Just a few months ago, Cindy sent me a friend request on Facebook. It was great to see an update on their lives, how the kids have grown and how Cindy and Mike haven't changed. It was so sad to learn that Mike was ill. 

I wish I had taken the opportunity to thank Mike for making a difference in my life. I never thanked him for being a role model, a father figure and a friend. 

There's no doubt that Mike is in Heaven. He might even have an extra special seat. The cool part for me is I know that he's seen Jake. 

Thank you, Mike. I'm not sure who I would be without the influence of you. Maybe I wouldn't have the same relationship with God, maybe Jake and I would've never married, maybe I wouldn't be a week and a half away from becoming a bride again, or months away from becoming a mother. 

I regret that I never said this to him...or Cindy. Do me a favor- tell someone who has made an impact in you "thanks". Don't wait until it is too late. 

It's a girl?!?

I'm not going to lie, I never thought it was a girl. It was hard for me to imagine myself as the mother of a girl. I always assumed it was a boy. I. Was. Wrong.

I was an incredibly difficult daughter. When my parents were still married, I knew I was a daddy's girl and how to work it...even if it caused problems for my parents. After my parents divorced, I was a terror to my mom. I was mean, mouthy and a brat. I was (am) strong-willed, independent and wanted my way. 

Around the time I became a teenager, my "grandpa" molested two girls. We often joked he never touched me because I would've hurt him. It changed how I felt about men, I became scared around all older men. 

My mom and stepdad were hard on me. I had to (gasp!) get a job by the age of 16. I was grounded constantly. I had to maintain good grades. 

I did stupid things: I had sex way too young, I got mad at my mom and drank facial astringent, I ran away. I was still mouthy- heck, I was mouthier.

I didn't learn to appreciate my mom until after my husband died. I then dated a guy with a daughter for about 7 years. She was a daddy's girl that could get anything with the word"daaaaaaeeeey". It was my lone shot at parenting, and I sucked. 

I was so hard on Christina. Argued with her over stuff that didn't need to be argued about, stood my ground when I didn't need to. Sometimes i didn't even giver her a chance to explain. 

I also had amazing experiences with her- she went to protest at the school board with me, she developed her own mind, we took road trips together, shopped for baggy jeans, went to the beach, and ate at the Waffle House in pj pants. 

I knew why my mom was "hard" on me. I knew what she hoped and dreamed for me, and who she wanted me to become. 

The good news is that I turned out pretty darn well. I'm independent, successful and smart. I've become my own future and managed to overcome the challenges in my life. My mom did a good job.

Christina is a pretty great kid. She's smart, independent and incredibly hardworking. 

I'm going to have a baby girl. I'm going to have a chance to do this start to finish. I know she will be a daddy's girl. There's no doubt in my mind. I just hope she will be a little bit of a momma's girl too. I hope I can teach her my passion for reading. I hope she, like me, will be involved at school, outspoken for what she believes in and a little independent. 

I also hope she will be a little bit girly. I sure wasn't! I wore boxer shorts and t-shirts all if the time, I borrowed my dad's jeans to wear. I still don't wear make-up. My Christina is a lot like me. She loved Aetnies skateboard shoes, baggy jeans, and tshirts. One of our bigger disagreements was because she was supposed to wear a dress to 5th grade graduation and she refused. 

I hope Harper Grace will be a little bit tomboy- love sports. I also hope she will want a pedicure every now and then. 

I'm not ready to think about boys, periods or broken hearts. What if she wants to ride a party bus to prom? Go tanning at a young age? What if she wants to ride to the beach with her friends? Wears booty shorts? Reads Danielle Steele at 13? 

Truth is-we will be blessed if she turns out like Christina, but she won't. She's going to turn out like Harper Grace Logan. I'll be blessed to have part in raising two girls. My challenge is to learn from my mistakes :) 

I am so excited to know I'm having a baby girl. God has blessed me in ways I couldn't have dreamed of. I just need to get this right, and I will. I have my mom to help. 

Well piss!

First off, I can't believe I'm telling this story. Frankly, it's too good to keep a secret. I better start with some background information. You see, I hate the word poop. It disgusts me. I once dated a guy with a toothless stepdad. Have you ever seen a toothless person say that word? I mean, just go stand in front of a mirror and say it. Your mouth, especially the toothless, looks like a butthole when you say it. We will not use that word with the baby and I sure don't use it now. I'd rather you use crap, shit, caca Sri Lanka, deuce, dump, or go Auburn. My siblings (especially Brandon) love to say it long and slow. EW! The only thing worse is someone else's crap. My poor niece used to hate for me to wipe her butt because I'd gag. She'd actually praise me when I didn't. 

So, having said that, remember I'm pregnant and have a much stronger gag reflex. Today we go to the Annual Michael Chicken Stew (that's Heaven in a bowl, by the way). After we leave we have a couple of errands to run- so I decide to potty before we leave. As I hit the bathroom door, I knew I'd be holding my breath during this pee break. Clearly someone had just (as my brother says) dropped the kids off in the pool. Oh but it's so much worse! They. Didn't. Flush. I'm trying to flush the toilet and with every gag, I pee myself just a little. The gagging got worse and so did the pee. Now I'm just trying to avoid pissing all over their floor. Well...after quickly peeing, I try to flush again. People- this was the cockroach of the crap world. That dang stuff is still floating and I'm still gagging. The bottom line: I both peed myself and puked over this load, but I flushed that biznitch! 

Frankly, it's the best pee story I have. It ranks above peeing myself while being spanked by my uncle, rolling in snow while walking home from school to hide my peed pants, or peeing on my cousin's porch because they didn't answer the door quick enough. 

Ill be in Depends before 40... And in the meantime, I'll carry some extra panties with me. 

Pregnancy Trickery (LIES!!)

I'm so thankful to be pregnant, I cannot thank God enough times in a day. Having said that- people are keeping secrets from the non-pregnant. I'm going to reveal a few of this lies- expose them for what they really are. I mean, seriously, it is not puppy dogs and butterflies!!

Lie 1: Your hair and nails grow and are beautiful. 

This is one of the biggest lies EVER. My hair may be growing- but only my nose hairs. Seriously, I'm starting to look like a 90 year old grandpa. I'm terrified to expose my ears for fear that, they too, have developed a toupee of hair. 

My regular hair is hideous. Imagine a Brillo pad. Yep- it is a bit like straw, coarse, sticking out in ways that a curling iron or flat iron could never fix. It hasn't grown into beautiful locks like Rapunzel. It's more of the Scarecrow. This, my friends, is why pregnant women always chop off their hair. 

Did I mention my scalp? If not, it's because I am mortified at the ummmm...well, lets just say the snow showers falling from my head. My scalp is do DRY. Yes, I've tried different shampoos. It's disgusting! 

So, you'd think if my scalp was dry- my face would be too. Right? WRONG! My face looks like I've dipped it in a vat of grease. It is covered in zits, constantly oily and blotchy. 

Lie 2: You get a burst of energy in your second trimester.

Nope. Still exhausted. I get tired walking from my car to my apartment. I basically refuse to grocery shop for more than one bag of stuff at a time. There's no way I'm making more than one trip. 

Lie 3: The baby moves off of your bladder. 

Ha! I'm excited when I sleep for 5 hours without a pee break. My baby either stayed on my bladder, or packed my bladder up and took it on the trip. 

Lie 4: You can eat what you want

This is a lie because IF anything sounded good, maybe you could eat what you want. Too bad nothing sounds good. I mean, I'm content with breakfast food, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and icees. I can never decide what sounds good, but I can tell you what sounds horrible! 

Best example: I turned down a piece of Zoe's chocolate cake because it sounded "too rich".

Lies by omission:

There are some things no one is kind enough to ever mention...

I've gained like 3 pounds and am HUGE. It's no secret I'm having a baby. It looks like I'm having a football team. I though you had to gain weight to be extra fat?

Oh my gosh. No one tells you that you'll hate smokers. I mean- want to punch them in the face with your car kind of hate. It takes every ounce of control to not cuss out people who smoke in my walking space. Kill your own lungs, a-holes. Don't blow your carcinogens into MY baby's lungs.  

No one really tells you about the mood swings. It's like you're looking from the outside and you just wait for your head to spin and green pea soup to fly out of your mouth. Anger comes so quick at times. Ooh- and you cry about everything. It isn't just the Sarah Maclachlan animal shelter commercials anymore. I cry about EVERYTHING. 

Of course, no one tells you about the worries. You know what to worry about in the first trimester, but the rest? Learn it on your own. Facebook and the Internet don't help. Facebook has every kid with any ailment and you want to pray for that family- and at the same time you want to be selfish and just hope it isn't your child. 

What? You got a paper cut? If you google it, you'll see the effects of your cut on your pregnancy and every horror story about pregnant women, paper cuts and the fact they had to have the cut body part amputated. 

Yep. That's just some of the truth about pregnancy. I kept it clean. Maybe someday Ill write my promised book and tell about the stuff NO ONE mentions. 

PS. Kelly...this blog is for you :)

PPS. I found yet another zit while taking a pee break from blog writing. 

Just give me a reason...

Wow, how a year changes everything. One year ago, I had no earthly clue which direction my life was heading. 35 (on the eve of 36), unmarried, no children, and just beginning to start whipping my body into shape. My family was really hitting the skids. Rainman and I were trying to figure out if "we" were right. I wasn't happy with life. 

Now, I'm not talking miserable unhappy or suicide unhappy- just blah. I started to realize that a career isn't your life. That was an interesting pill to swallow. It was just me and Tank- and growing old was scary. I wasn't putting any effort into my relationship and the Rainman wasn't either. 

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough

Just a second we're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again...

Man! I love Pink! This song hits me EVERY single time I hear it. This song was me. It was us. We had to get over a hurdle of laziness and apathy to make our relationship work. 

It's in the stars

It's been written in the scars on our hearts

I wish I could describe the change for us. We reconnected- focused on talking TO each other, spending time together (and not just in the same room). We changed our talk from mine and his to "ours". 

There's more than empty sheets between our love

Our love, our love

We decided in October that 2013 would be our year for a baby. Obviously, we thought it would take a while. WE started talking marriage and engagement. It wasn't just me talking anymore. We knew we'd be engaged by June of 2013. 

In February of 2013, two amazing things happened. First, we found a church that we both love. Then, we found out a baby was coming!!! 

Let me be clear- we were SHOCKED. Without being graphic, we'd only been trying for less than a month and we only see each other on the weekends. It was the best surprise. Ever. 

I never dreamed that I'd be a mom. Well, I dreamed it- but it's the same kind of dream as winning the lottery or marrying Adam Levine. I just didn't think it would ever happen. 

Tonight- as I sit on the eve of birthday #37, I'm so blessed. More than words, picture, song or dance. My life is so near perfection. Im engaged, WE are getting married on July 6 and Baby Logan will arrive in just 5 months!! 

I now have an inkling of what's to come- feelings I never imagined are filling my heart and mind. Rainman and I are enjoying this journey together- with the support of our families. My life has done a complete 180. 

I have so many wishes for this next year- a healthy baby, a happy marriage- the continued peace in my family and well-being of loved ones. 

Somewhere is the saying about waking up and only having what you thanked God for the night before. I try to remember that when my head hits the pillow each night. I know it won't be easy...I've never been a mom before, both Rainman and I are used to living alone and being independent. We've never shared such a responsibility and we'll be doing it in our first year of marriage. 

I know we can do it. I know it. I have faith that THIS is the blessing I've waited 37 years for. We have the most amazing prayer warriors on our side, and we have God on our side.

I can't wait to reflect one year from tonight. Will my heart manage to be any fuller? Will my joy and thankfulness make me explode? I'm eager to see. 

The best birthday gift ANYONE can give me- is the gift of prayer. Prayer for a healthy baby, prayer blessings over my marriage and my family. 

I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them...

This Little Light of Mine

Yea, yea, yea. You had to know a blog was coming about the church drama. Around Easter, Michael and I decided to start planning our wedding. We looked at a destination wedding in California, considered Nashville or Gatlinburg- but settled on sweet home Alabama. Yes, my family would have a bit of a drive (but a free place to stay). This is Michael's first (and only wedding) so his family got extra weight in this decision.

We considered a state park wedding, small chapels, or sights in Birmingham. However, we want a small (read: inexpensive) wedding and decided to see if we could use his aunt and uncle's church. They've attended this little white church in Cullman forever and it was perfect for us. Plus, that would be special for them.

The church voted that we could use the church on July 6. We wanted to speak to the preacher to see if he was comfortable marrying us because of my "condition". Sooooo, we visited the church yesterday. I was so stressed about it- apparently my gut was right.

We met with the pastor after the service. He told us he'd have to pray about it because he's never been asked to marry a pregnant couple before and wanted to hear from God. He did reassure us, however, that the church had voted and we could use it. He used the word sin about a billion times. So much, that my feelings were starting to get hurt. His sermon that day was about sin and forgiveness. Ummm, hello? I finally, in my most polite Republican voice, agreed with him that I felt if Jesus forgave us- so should man. I went on to explain (meekly and very unlike me) that clearly God forgave us because he blessed us with a child.

Last night, he told Michael's aunt and uncle that he would NOT marry us AND that he was going to ask the church to vote again to see if we could still use their facility. No thank you. Obviously, we didn't want to see them hurt further by church members. Nor would I use that church if HELL froze over.

Look, I know the Bible says premarital sex is a sin. I also know that judgement by man is a sin (let he without sin cast the first stone). I know many will be shocked to know I have a pretty strong religious background. I grew up in a Calvary Chapel. When I was young, I remember outside church sermons with Pastor Chuck Smith's booming voice preaching while people wore swimsuits. I've visited Tom Camp's church and sat next to convicted felons and recent prisoners. I've read the Bible and know that Jesus was a friend to sinners- as the Casting Crown songs says. How about Amazing Grace? Jeremy Camp's song says, "let this old life crumble, let it fade. Let this new life offered be your saving grace."

More importantly- the song says, "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..." That's what God has shown us through this. Michael and I have had at least 10 suggestions of churches or offers in less than 24 hours. We've spoken to our friends, preachers and fellow believers. The message has remained strong and steadfast. God loves all of us and this baby is a blessing- not a curse. Our friends have let their lights shine. We've seen grace, mercy and love.

Ill be honest- I've said that this pregnancy has brought me closer to God- more close than I've ever been. I believe that this is a test- just like the forbidden fruit. Will we turn our backs? It scares me to think of what other negative things Satan will throw our way during this journey.

My cousin shared this song with me when we were having complications with our pregnancy. Tenth Avenue North's lyrics say,

Cause ill be by your side whenever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

When Melissa, Jeremy Camp's first wife died of cancer, he wrote Walk By Faith.

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful all of these years
With one breath, you make me new
Your grace covers all I do...

I think we know who is on our side. I won't lie, my feelings are hurt. I'm insulted. I understand that this pastor has his own beliefs. I'm upset that he used the guise of prayer to make this decision.

In the end- we will have a better wedding. It may not be in a church, but you can bet our family and loved ones will be by our side to help us through. I the end- it's a blessing.

The Test

Let me start by saying that if I have any complications after writing this blog, I'm giving up seriousness forever. The only times I've had emergencies were after a serious blog...

I'm almost 37 and pregnant. Pregnancy after 35 comes with increased risks of miscarriage and birth defects. Apparently, with each year comes higher risks. This means that the doctor has to talk to you about The Test.

The Test now comes in three options: amniocentesis, a probability blood test, and a new chromosome blood test. Each of these tests for birth defects. The amnio has some risk because they stick a huge arse needle in your "belly" and take out some of the baby's fluid. It can cause miscarriage (or poke the baby in the eye?). The probability test is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I taught 5th grade math, so I understand probability. I also suffer from severe anxiety disorder, so I understand "worst case scenario" creating crazy in my brain. Basically, it tests your blood and tells you the probability that your child will have various birth defects. Now, there's a test that looks at the chromosomal make-up of your baby by drawing blood. It's supposedly 99% accurate and bout a year old. This, friends, is my only viable option.

Or is it? Friday we had our most recent ultrasound. We saw the amazing changes in our baby, heard its heartbeat. We could see facial features- like a nose. We saw an arm and a leg. It was amazing.

The Test looks for 4 major chromosomal abnormalities: trisomy 13, 18 and 21 (down's syndrome) and one I can't remember. Trisomy 13 and 18 are severe defects. Many children suffering die in the womb, others die within days or weeks of birth- and have a horrible condition of living. There are very few positive stories for these families.

Growing up, my aunt was a counselor for girls considering abortion. For most of my life, I've known how abortion happens and how horrible it is. I'm the worst Democrat ever- when it comes to this issue. In college, a friend of mine had an abortion- and I couldn't speak to her for years. As many know, Jake had a girlfriend who aborted his child in high school. I am completely opposed to abortion. Interestingly enough- I'm not opposed to euthanasia in severe situations (think: Terri Schiavo). So this puts in me an interesting place.

The doctor is talking to us about The Test and suggests, IF we are to do it, we do it at the next visit. I'll be 16 weeks pregnant. I ask him if one of the 2 major defects show up, what do people do? He says (after a lengthy explanation of the conditions) that some choose to terminate their pregnancy. I immediately start crying. I am ingrained of the horrors of abortion.

The Rainman has a different perspective-for obvious reasons. I live, breathe, eat and sleep each day with one purpose in my life: to care for my baby. He has two people to care for: the baby and me. He's trying to process this with factoring in the risks of losing me. That's an added factor in deciding to test or not to test.

I am wiling to take the risk. If I died in birthing my child- I died doing what God put me on this Earth for: being a parent. Rainman is also more willing to look at a quality of life: would this child be suffering if he or she had Trisomy 13 or 18? If so, is it fair for us to be selfish and allow the suffering?

Two years ago this month, my cat, Terrell, died. Terrell was the best cat- in the world. I knew he was sick, but his condition deteriorated so quickly in 24 hours that I had no idea he was going to die. That last hour, 6 am on a Saturday morning- no vet around open- I held him and tried to make his last moments peaceful. We raced to the vet to be there at 7 when they opened, and he took his last breaths in the parking lot. It was horrible- he suffered and I held him as he struggled to get a breath. About two years prior, his brother-Marshall- got very ill and I was able to get him to the vet. I knew nothing could be done, so they gave him a shot so he would fall asleep and die peacefully.

I know it infuriates people that I'd compare cats to babies. I realize it isn't the same thing- but the moral is. If I could've gotten Terrell to the vet- I would've given him the shot.

If I got The Test- could I make the same decision? Honestly- the answer is no. I believe, in my heart, that a baby suffers during an abortion. I believe I would want- if only for a few moments, weeks or days- to experience parenthood and that my child would be perfect to me.

Fortunately, Rainman can see the pros and cons more clearly than I can. I guess it is a gift that I've chosen a man who believes in women's rights more than I do- because he is allowing me to make this decision. Before writing this blog, I'd say there was a 25% chance I would've had the test....I think putting it into words has helped me decide.

I know my brain- and I know this will remain on a brain burner for a few weeks. I'm thankful I took the time to process it and appreciate that anyone read this whole thing :)

Random Pregnancy Stuff

This pregnancy thing is not all its cracked up to be. Seriously. I know I've promised to be thankful and appreciative for each day of this process. Folks, I've broken my promise. There are days when I still thank God for being pregnant, but I also want it to go faster. I feel guilty about that, but the truth is, I just want to hold my baby in my arms. I'm so eager to see 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes and a perfect nose (which is a long shot for MY kid). Having better doctor news and seeing a positive ultrasound this week will really ease my worry.

After my last ER trip, my doctor put me on progesterone. Ummm...more hormones? I hope to some day be able to articulate the range of emotions. I think I finally have a legitimate glimpse of BiPolar disorder. It's a teeny glimpse, but emotions are like a roller coaster. I am so quick to lose my temper- but also laugh harder than I ever have. The Rainman ranks my temper like a tornado. Unfortunately- he gets the bulk of it...

In other news- I've eaten a cheeseburger. Three actually. Get this- I even ate a Big Mac. As most people know, I very rarely will eat a burger, but it was a craving. Now- I don't want ANY meat (except bacon...I'm pregnant, not stupid). I got chicken fingers today and threw them away. I'd gladly live off of cereal and grilled cheese. I start each day with either a Whataburger egg sandwich or a Jack's biscuit. Ooh- and I get my one coke of the day each morning. I used to be a huge chocolate person- and I still like it, but I'd take fruity candy first.

Pregnancy also shows who your friends are- where you stand with folks. I've had friends who have checked on me regularly and others who actually interact with me less or not at all. That's ok- but it hasn't been easy. The goal is less stress, and I'm having to accept that I change, they change, life changes. One relationship has really changed- and that's my relationship with God. In church we sing Hillsong's "Cornerstone". One line says, "weak made strong in Savior's love...", that really resonates with me. I cannot sing it in church without crying. It's like God is telling me that it's going to be okay.

My body is really changing- I haven't gained more than a few pounds, but I'm out of my pants. Thank goodness it is finally warmer! I'm now wearing dresses, skirts and even a few maternity pieces.

I appreciate everyone who has lifted us in your prayers. We need them. I also appreciate my friends (DT!!!) for taking out my trash so I don't have to lift it, checking on me, asking me to hang out or offering to bring me dinner. Sometimes just knowing you're on someone's mind fixes it all. I'm also terribly thankful for my colleagues who have really worked to keep a very stressful job- not as stressful.

We will get there... And I promise to continue to be thankful for this process- even on the hardest of days :)

What have I done to deserve this?

This is a question I've asked many times over the past thirty-six years. When I was 9 (just three days before my birthday), my parents divorce was final. I was crushed and asked myself, "What have I done to deserve this?"

My mom and I did not get along when I was a girl. We fought constantly and my nickname was Jocelyn G. Osborne. The G was for grounded, because I always was. I'm not sure who asked the question more-my mom or me. We were asking, "What have I done to deserve this?"

My friends, Amanda and Angie, were always so much more beautiful than me. They had great hair, beautiful (still are), and great houses. Amanda had the most beautiful voice and could play the piano. Angie had a two-story house and the entire Nancy Drew series... In hardback. I was awkward, couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, and my skills included being the manager of the team. What have I done to deserve this?

My dad was never around, there were days when he never showed. One day he told me (December 22, 1985 in my grandma's kitchen) that I would always be the most important thing in his life. Ten months later, he had another daughter. My "grandfather" was arrested for child molestation charges. My mom remarried when I was 13-I'm pretty sure dealing with my mouth had Paps asking, "What have I done to deserve this?"

My high school sweetheart broke my heart less than a week after taking my virginity. He would constantly reel me back in- and release me. Eventually he crushed me when he impregnated the girl who had the abortion. What have I done to deserve this?

I had to have a job when I was 16. I didn't get a car. I was making tacos at the Taco Bell when I wasn't on the bench managing the volleyball team. My friends were still prettier. I was still awkward in my braces and my fashion sense included boxers and tshirts. What have I done to deserve this?

Our apartment was broken into and we were assaulted. My security was changed for the rest of my life. The house I lived In caught fire and my kitten died. My dad was arrested and was facing 99 years in prison. My brother was revived after dying and had half his lung removed. What in the world have I done to deserve this?

My Jakers killed himself. Sure, our marriage was miserable, but we were best friends. I remember walking to my door late Tuesday night. I'd watched The Guardian with Christy and went home to find the homicide detective's card on my door. Jake was dead. What have I done to deserve this?

For 36 years, I've compared myself to others. She's luckier than I am. Why did she find the man of her dreams? She doesn't come from a broken home? Why did she get a better job? Constantly I've asked about my life, "What have I done to deserve this?"

Now, I have been blessed with a precious baby inside of me. My little baby has ears, new organs, a brain. She or he is moving arms and legs and growing by leaps and bounds. Lord, what have I done to deserve this?

I'm surrounded by beautiful people who pray each day to be blessed with a little one. I have friends who have had multiple miscarriages or can't get pregnant. What have I done to deserve this?

I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I know that my life experiences have taught me to always find a positive learning example in them. I know that the pressure my parents put on me to work gave me an incredible work ethic- and made me the person I am today. I know that maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of answering my lifelong question.

I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I can promise that I am so conscientious of this gift. I try to be thankful in every moment and try to be a better person. I want to be kind and mindful of others. I want to show appreciation for this blessing- and all of the others hidden along the way.

I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'm sure glad I did it.

What to Expect When Expecting...

Would you believe the book has nearly three pages on mood swings in month 2? If not, you haven't been around me this week. Holy cow!!

If my head starts spinning and I puke green pea soup- I would not be surprised. I am almost embarrassed at how horrible I am. Why? I am so thankful, and it is horrible to behave this way. I've pent the last two evenings hiding at home with the animals and my DVR. Stupid things make me SO angry- I mean, really pissed off. Thankfully I was given teeth to bite my tongue with. My eyes do this blur thing and I feel like I'm turning into the Hulk. Lets just say its a good thing the legislature has been quiet this week :)

The flip side of this is when I'm good- I'm good. I'm smiling and laughing more, things are way funnier. Also things that should upset me or make me cry- aren't. I've been incredibly calm about some major stressors. I've gained a new appreciation for someone with BiPolar .

Of course, the food aversions continue to be humorous. For example- my two favorite sandwiches are Zoe's chicken salad and Newk's pimento cheese. Well, they were my two favorite sandwiches. The thought of them make ill. I tried the pimento cheese the other day and scraped all if the cheese off. I craved spaghetti (remember?), can't finish a plate of it now.

My daily Coke is like manna from Heaven. It soothes my stomach and tastes so very good. I only drink one, so I try to savor it. Jellybeans and Mike and Ike's Cherry/Bub are really helpful right now too.

I used to LOVE warm softbatch cookies with milk, now I prefer a Chips Ahoy. What?! Ive also been craving cantalope, but I'm way too lazy to buy one and cut it. guess I'll stick with breakfast foods and nachos for now.

Tomorrow is the 8 week mark. Ill celebrate it by seeing my parents and nieces and nephew!!! Hopefully they'll keep me in a great mood :)

Too blessed to be stressed...

Wow. Those words sound so good, and honestly, I wish they were true. Don't get me wrong, I'm so amazingly blessed- I can't think it enough day- let alone say it. It's that dang stress.

In 2000, I married my high school sweetheart. We dated off and on for nearly ten years before we tied the knot. I've never felt love like that puppy love that starts at 14. It's ridiculous and has no boundaries or sense. Jake was an amazing guy- everyone loved him. He was charismatic, funny, gorgeous, and could be the biggest ass in the world. Often, his crooked smile got him out of trouble. Jake was BiPolar, and it was an incredibly difficult illness to face. I have so many stories of the negatives of our marriage, but I also have so many fond memories. We found a renewal of faith together- thanks to a police detective that helped us after a break-in. We started leading the high school class at church, I was baptized, and we were ultimately married in that church. Sadly, our faith ended up as weak as our marriage. I lost Jake forever on May 5, 2002. He took his own life- the battle of our marriage, the independence he never found, the highs and the lows of his illness. Jake lost a child in high school- a girl he dated got pregnant, and eventually had an abortion without telling him. I think about that child all the time. I say child, but we'd have a teenager today if she hadn't made that choice. I think about the years of our marriage that we could've easily gotten pregnant, and yet we didn't. Are you there God? It's me, Jocelyn. I've received that message.

After losing Jake, I moved on. I dated a fellow for about 7 years, and gave up my dream to become a parent- to give birth. It was my own choice, but I did it to keep things happy. We almost fostered, but weren't allowed to because we were unwed. I decided I'd focus on my career and be an aunt.

I can't believe I've been given this chance. I'm going to be a mom, I'm pregnant. I'm so blessed. I feel with every fiber in my being that this baby, Williebird or The General, have God's hands wrapped around, protecting, blessing, loving. I've never felt closer to God as I do at this very moment. I talk to him as I shower, drive, at random moments, and as my last thought of the day.

I suffer from severe anxiety disorder- and I'm without medication. Sure- that means I may worry more than the average person, but I feel blessed.

Last night, I was walking with Tank outside, considering my next blog, thinking about sharing how blessed I am. I came inside and went to the restroom...and noticed I was spotting. I'm not going to lie- I was CRAZY. We called the doctor, googled every symptom I had- and then we did something we've never done before. We prayed together. I sobbed out our prayer as Michael and I held hands. I sobbed as I read the scripture that I claim as mine. Phil 4:6 says "Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything-by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I thought about our church sermon yesterday of feeling at the cross. There was NOTHING I could do. Nothing. I could pray and trust and turn it over to God.

Friends, I'm the biggest control freak you've ever met. I had 10 hours before the doctor's office would open. Somehow, I calmed down. I even slept. Sure, I made 1,000,000,000,000 trips to the bathroom. I slept.

My doctors office had me come in. We did an ultrasound again. I heard the heartbeat- again. I saw my baby's heart, I saw a picture of my healthy little peanut. My doctor did an exam. I'm fine, no bleeding, nothing to worry about. My peanut, our Peanut, is just perfect. We're growing 1mm a day, developing facial features, fingers and toes, perfect.

I'm so blessed. I'm also crazy- and sometimes that wins, but I'm so blessed. Ill never be able, in a trillion years, to thank God enough for this opportunity. The opportunity that I once blew- the one I thought I'd never have. I promise Him that I'll be the best mom ever, and love my baby with all I've got.

I've had no morning sickness and haven't had regular spotting- this was isolated. I think so much about my friends who live with this worry each day, or who haven't had the chance to worry about puking or spotting. It makes me even more thankful.

I know I've, we've, got a long road ahead of us. I don't want to rush this along- but I'll be thankful when my peanut is here to hold. After that I will worry about falls, bumps, bruises, bullies and even driving, one day. I don't want to miss this- any of this.

I am so blessed. I really am. I have family and friends praying for us. We have the support of loved ones literally from coast-to-coast. Every day won't be easy, and I may have some low days- but I'm blessed.

I hope you'll continue to pray for us. This journey is so scary- I won't lie. However- I've got a friend upstairs who is cuddling, protecting and blessing my little peanut. This is HIS child, creation. I'm so blessed. Maybe, just maybe- I'm too blessed to be stressed.

Cupcakes to pancakes

Wow! What an exciting week :) Honestly, life has been such a whirlwind since I found out I was pregant. BUT- seeing the first ultrasound, hearing the baby's heartbeat and the amazing feedback we've received tells me- I'm having the best week ever!

I really want to try to blog more so that I can remember this being pregnant thing and see how things change :)

So, I hear all about this morning sickness thing- yep, only hear about it. Leave it to the fat chick to have ZERO morning sickness. Sure, some mornings I'm a little queasy. I've yet to throw up though (or shrew up as our Mexican tour guide said- that costs $20).

I have, however, had some interesting food aversions. Well, let me back-up. The first thing I looked at when I found out I was pregnant was what foods to avoid. What was the first thing? QUESO. That's like telling a bird to avoid birdseed or a shark to become a vegetarian. No QUESO?!? Apparently, it's a soft cheese- unpasteurized- listeria? So I gave it up. I also gave up lunch meat, Crystal light, sweet tea and diet sodas. (Yea-that wasn't much of a sacrifice).

My gym BFF, Brenna, kept telling me she ate it with her twins and they are ok, but being nervous Nellie. I avoided it. Then I saw the doctor. I brought out my list of questions:
-what kind of prenatal vitamins should I take?
-when am I due?
-how often will I see him?
-can I have QUESO?

Apparently, US QUESO is safe. It's the QUESO in Mexico I should avoid (duh!). I also heard him say avoid Whole Foods... Or maybe just their fresh cheeses. WHEW!!!!!!

Anyway, aversions. At first, I didn't want any sweets. I was skipping the most important part of a meal- dessert. That was sort of hard to hide when I went to Pink with my gym gals. We celebrated my birthday at the restaurant with a brownie that's probably to die for, but I only took a couple of bites. I didn't even go out and buy every new bag of jelly beans available. Last year, I think we bought 10-15 bags of different jelly beans. Heck- I haven't even had a Cadbury Creme Egg.

Fortunately, that phase passed. Now I'm in the breakfast food phase. I start my morning with a Whataburger egg sandwich and my lone source of caffeine for the day- one small real coke. I could probably eat pancakes for every meal...or Waffle House. Of course I am settling for cereal and Toaster Strudels :)

The idea of anything fast food beyond egg, cheese and some bread sounds disgusting. Okay- except Taco Bell. Donuts and bacon sound amazing. Then there are the things that just hit me wrong. Example- Full Moon chicken tenders and Full Moon ranch. They just gross me out right now.

I've been craving spaghetti, poached eggs, peanut butter and jelly and my moms chicken casserole... Not together, of course. I've also found that those little Reese Easter eggs (not the big ones, the 2 bite ones) calm an upset stomach. So does yogurt- but Reese eggs are more fun ;)

Cupcakes to pickles and ice cream?

So just a couple of weeks ago, my life changed forever. I had a sneaking suspicion, but I honestly thought I was on a wing and a prayer. My period never came. Every time I went to the bathroom, I checked and rechecked. I googled the symptoms. I prayed. Then I told Michael, "I'm 99% positive I'm NOT pregnant." Ha! We will see if he ever trusts me again.

Luckily, I had a doctor appointment scheduled. So we did a pregnancy test. She sends me back out to the waiting room for a while, and calls me back. She hands me a pregnancy test with NO expression on her face. I don't know what it says!! So I ask. I'm pregnant.

Many of you know that I was married to my high school sweetheart, and we never got pregnant. Michael and I (while living in two different cities, 45 minutes apart, seeing each other only on weekends) have been trying since January. Thank you, God. Initially we decide not to tell a soul- except for my work partner. She's a "blue" if you've ever done the colors inventory and would notice me changing.

I ask the doctor about exercise and he tells me...low impact, no running, no exerting yourself until you're out of breath. Ummmm, hey doc. You ever met boot camp?!

The next morning, my closest guy friend calls and says out of nowhere, "if you were 4 weeks pregnant, would you tell me?" I am FREAKING out. A few days later, Annette says something about a surprise shower. I go to bunco and it's all talk of babies and daycare. The next night my friend, Lili, facebooks me to ask if I'm still trying to get pregnant. WOW.

So we plan the release. Michael schedules dinner with his family. I tell my family I found a cool game on Pinterest that they will love. I put it together and mail them to my dad and stepmom, my mom and Paps, aunt, and 2 sets of grandparents. In order to play the game, they must have required players present. So my aunt had to play with my third set of grandparents.

Okay, so my dad (after forcing him to check his mail) calls me back.
Him: Hellooo?
Me: Hi! Did you get mail?
Him: I got this green paper that says you're pregnant.
Me: Yep.
Him: Are you lying? Are you having a baby? Are you pregant? Really? (He turns to my stepmom) It isn't a joke. She's pregnant, she's having a baby.

I make mom and Paps go straight to her house after work. They don't get the envelope?! Haha, Postal Service. The envelopes made it to Lafayette 2/3, one made it to Monon and you mess my moms up?!? Ugh. So I tell her to put me on speakerphone and announce the news. Apparently I'm a real jokester because she didn't believe me either. Paps made this sound that I knew he believed.

My colleagues and I were having a blast. Our trip from Montgomery felt like it took 5 minutes instead of an hour and a half. We called my siblings and others. I started sending some friends and family text messages of a bun in the oven. I did, however, try to be sure everyone got to tell at least one other person. My mom got her siblings, Dad got El, Paps got siblings, etc.

Then came family dinner with Michael's family. We walk in and I ask them to play a game. Michaels mom reads the poem and gets halfway through when his aunt yells,"Y'all are getting married in October." His mom says, "No Judy- they're having a BABY!" So fun.

I'm still telling people individually. My awesome cousin has prepared my Facebook cover photo announcement.

So my blog will change directions for the next seven months. Surely other pregnant people have some stuff they wonder and/or y'all can give me advice. Don't worry, Craig, I'm still going to get you in a blog :)

I want to continue to exercise- it's important for my health, but also my spirit of being with my family. Right now I've been walking, but hopefully 5 am crew will claim me still.

Of course, I still check for my period every time I go potty. Then I thank The Lord for blessing me. I hope you will keep us in prayer. I'm so excited and need every prayer we can get.

Did I Shave my Legs for This?

I really want to be a runner. In my mind, I have visions of long runs being relaxing- like a gazelle. In actuality, I'm like an elephant trying to do ballet. It is miserable and I hate running. I don't know what to do- I buy amazing shoes, run with friends, I've tried music, couch to 5K...hate it. I hear running is like tequila...but it makes the pounds fall off. eh. i tried thinking of inspiring people while running- you know- this person (fill in whomever) would be lucky to get to run, or I'm running this for _______. Nope. Set goals you say? Yep. I'm going to run to that spot. Hate it and still want to die. I run at Boot Camp because I don't want sHELLey to kill me, but I hate running as much as I hate burpees. I. Hate. Running. Perhaps my only hope is to get a scary monster to chase me.

So, of course my loathing of running made last week's boot camp even more torturous. Why? Well, we ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. Sure, we had moments of downtime to do burpees or push-ups. We did mountain climbers, squats and jumping jacks. There were high knee runs and basketball hops, but mostly there was running. We had to have a partner and meet them in the middle (Middle? Not so much for my trusty partner, Bob) I think I ran maybe 3 miles and he ran about 5. This also sucked because although we had partners, we were going alone...no one to talk to or joke with. Basically, this is like taking the phone booth away from Clark Kent. My superpower of humor was missing. Ugh. The good news was that this challenge was the FINAL challenge, right? WRONG.

Leave it to Shelley to find additional ways to torture us. Why not throw in some running? I thought my group should be called the chubby checkers (apparently I was the only one who thought that was funny). We had to do a buttload of burpees and crunches- then run a lap. Wait- we also had to walk up the stairs to run the lap and down when we finished. Sometimes we forget how difficult those stairs can be. Of course, when we returned, we did more burpees and crunches. This went on for an hour. Miserable. The trick was, when the skinny fit people finished, they had to come help a less fit person finish. So, at the end of class there were basically two groups. That part was cool because we all went downstairs as a group. You know, like the Combat song says, "We can do it together."

I learned the meaning of the word "shin splints" and I still hate to run. Ugh.

The Ranch called...they want Jillian back

New year, new you...right? I'm pretty sure that's the secret motto of sHELLey. At least that's how it felt with the return of Bodyshock Boot Camp last week.

We started out last Tuesday with the beep test, or the bleep test as we call it here. You know, race the beeps to get to the next line. My goal was to break 20, but I didn't get there. I could offer excuses about being sick in December and not running for a month and a half, but we all know what excuses are like. The champion of the day was Jeff (AKA Bob)- he set his goal of 100 beeps and did it!!! That's a whole lot of running. I'm pretty proud of him, but DO NOT tell him. Poor guy won't make it through the gym doors if he hears.

So then we get divided into groups of 3, which was perfect since my gym BFF was out of town. Of course, sHELLey always messes with a perfect plan. She started rearranging groups and put me with two new girls. Y'all know I want to welcome everyone, but this made me feel weird. I can do it from a distance. What?! Yep. Then she wanted us to introduce ourselves, our goals, why we were there. Ugh. Even more intimacy with strangers. Fortunately, I got placed with Amy and Krystal. They both have lost a good bit of weight and have some to go. Yea! Other people like me. (PS. Amy was really nice even though I called her LeAnne for an hour)

I wish I could remember what all we did, but I only remember the dreaded crab walk and suicides. Now, if you haven't crab walked in a few years, please try. It's hard. It's even harder if you have fat arms that don't want to stretch that way, and fat rolls that dont go smoothly behind your back. My triceps were screaming and I was pretty close to death. Ooh we got a break...to run our @sses off. Suicides, maybe some relays, I just remember wanting to be DONE! I also remember an intimate bread crawling moment, but that isn't for blog info. :)

Of course, Friday wasn't much better. We did more fitness tests and lots of exercises. LOTS. However, Friday was really special. We had a packed house and it was like a puzzle...everything just fit so perfectly. The highlight of the day was when "Autumn" (that's not her real name, she's not in the witness protection program, she's Vietnamese and that's her American name) yelled "I can't!" It caused the silence heard round the world. If you know sHELLey you know that "I can't" is not allowed.

The other amazing part came at the end...we were doing the Keith Lankford "invisible chair" (wall squats) and basically, we had to be a team. If ANYONE broke, time was added. It was so amazing to see all of these different adults- fat, thin, tall, short, male, female, young and old support and cheer each other on. We did it!!

Then, because sHELLey thinks she's Jillian and we're at the Biggest Loser ranch, someone got voted off the island. Maybe not that part, but I guess we will see tomorrow morning :) Stay tuned.

Go With the Flow

So, I've decided to add Body Flow (kind of like yoga or something) to my routine. Sure- it doesn't burn a bajillion calories, but it would be nice to be able to bend, touch my arms behind my back, and well... I do want to make a baby this year. Ha!

As you might remember, I've tried it once. It was a safe environment, a room full of friends, 5 am so every was half asleep and most of us were virgins. It was okay to mess up, giggle or be silly.

Not tonight my friends, not tonight. I walk in the room with only 2 accomplices. Everyone else had their mats all perfectly displayed. They were sitting in a trance Native American style and were quiet. Ummmm BORING? I went ahead and apologized to the stranger behind me for what was going to be a show that only Chris Farley could top. She lied and said she was bad at it too.

Here's the thing that I realized is a major issue in flow: you need to know your left from your right. It's a little awkward to have to make an L with your hand to see which leg to put behind your head. Here's issue number two: Flow is basically a trip to the gynecologist. Seriously. The only difference is the gynecologist lets you keep your socks on (okay and has stirrups to keep your legs up). I wish I could tell you the technical terms of these exercises, but we'll just call them "Go 'Head and Spread 'Em". My legs were spread in 60 minutes than mayonnaise on sandwiches at a family picnic.

I'm going to confess to have more issues. I mean, my bare feet were on the for. Sometimes there is hair on the floor. I worried about that. I worried that everyone was watching me try to get my balance for the 99th time. I worried that I would fall flat on my face and break my huge nose (worried/hoped, same thing).

I was sweating like something horrible. These flow folks do not turn the fans on. My shoulders ached and I considered having them removed (but then I'd be eating fries with my feet...). Finally came the "meditation". In the tanning bed we would call it a nap. I enjoyed it for 60 seconds. Then I decided I better buy my own mat. Would I look funny carrying in Clorox wipes to clean the mat each class? Wait?! Is there a hair touching me? I got a little grossed out and my crazy mind began to wander.

Then it was over. Truthfully, I would never be a good instructor at this. It's so quiet and serious and let me say that Kelsey rocked it. She was super instructional and was giving options a lot (thank goodness). I think it's a challenge. Ive got to conquer this. I must be able to put one leg through without looking like a toddler trying to stand for the first time. I want to BE a cobra.

Oh...and I wouldn't mind being a little more flexible.

There's no A in "team"

Soooo... 2013 is here. You might remember I have some goals: get engaged, knocked up, lose some weight (I get that there's an oxymoron there, but I have Shelley-so it's possible). After having the flu in December, it was time to get back to the gym.

One time I was at Johnny Rockets, and the lady at the booth behind us was eating her French fries with her toes. I don't remember exactly why, but I'm guessing she didn't have hands or something. Here's the thing, if I was that lady- I'd lose a ton of weight this week. I couldn't use my legs to eat because they're killing me! Fine, we all know my fat rolls would block my legs from reaching my mouth...just, don't ruin my story.

I attended the GCC's first class of 2013-Body Pump at 5 am on Wednesday. I honestly considered camping out the night before just to be sure I got a spot. Apparently a bunch of people start working out in January for their resolutions. Heck- how would I know? I've been in the fitness protection program for years!! Oh my gah! I wish I could tell you which part of my body hurt the worst,but it was everything! My legs, knees, chest, shoulders. If I could fit on a stretcher, I might have called for an ambulance. At one point, I thought my left calf muscle was going to rip off my leg. We also weighed in after class and I weighed 222.6 (accountability).

As everyone knows, the best way to work off exercise pain is to exercise. Really?! That sounds like a beer commercial suggesting more alcohol helps a hangover. So, I went back to the gym at 5 am on Thursday for Body Attack. Ha! If no one would've noticed, I considered going out and sitting on the bench. I was so tired!!! Plus, now that people actually read this blog, I can't make fun of things that happen. Okay, I will anyway. There was this fit girl who kept like racing me during the running track. I mean, seriously. Racing me? I was beat in my first 5k by a dude with one leg. I'm slow. Oh yea- and my body still hurt: knees, hip, shoulders, chest, head, shoulders, knees and toes. Anyway, I just let her win. Trying to be the bigger person and all.

Third time is a charm... so I went back again today. My first boot camp in over a month. I asked Shelley if it was going to be hard and she said, "If I made you go up the stairs 3 times, you'd think it was hard." (Uh duh!). Well, it was hard. I had to go up the stairs FIVE times. I taught fifth grade math and can confirm that's more than three! First, we had to go run a mile. Truthfully, they ran a mile. I walked. Then I got brave and decided to try and run. A certain butthead came up behind me and hollered, nearly risking the ambulance need again. Ugh.

Of course, what's a good boot camp without a basket of tennis balls? Divide into teams (assigned because the teacher knows the talkers...), do exercises for four minutes, back up the stairs for a lap, more exercises until everyone is back from their lap, draw more balls, repeat.

Here's the thing- our last exercises were tricep dips and the crab walk. I. Cannot. Crab walk. The back of my arms have this fat that blocks smooth movement and I was dying. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I hadn't been to BC in a month. So, the 4 minutes ends and it's time to run. Shelley tells me that I better hurry or the others will have to work harder while waiting in me.

I told her, "I don't care. There's no A in team." Ummm...

Well, I survived. I'm hoping next week is better for my body.