In 2000, I married my high school sweetheart. We dated off and on for nearly ten years before we tied the knot. I've never felt love like that puppy love that starts at 14. It's ridiculous and has no boundaries or sense. Jake was an amazing guy- everyone loved him. He was charismatic, funny, gorgeous, and could be the biggest ass in the world. Often, his crooked smile got him out of trouble. Jake was BiPolar, and it was an incredibly difficult illness to face. I have so many stories of the negatives of our marriage, but I also have so many fond memories. We found a renewal of faith together- thanks to a police detective that helped us after a break-in. We started leading the high school class at church, I was baptized, and we were ultimately married in that church. Sadly, our faith ended up as weak as our marriage. I lost Jake forever on May 5, 2002. He took his own life- the battle of our marriage, the independence he never found, the highs and the lows of his illness. Jake lost a child in high school- a girl he dated got pregnant, and eventually had an abortion without telling him. I think about that child all the time. I say child, but we'd have a teenager today if she hadn't made that choice. I think about the years of our marriage that we could've easily gotten pregnant, and yet we didn't. Are you there God? It's me, Jocelyn. I've received that message.
After losing Jake, I moved on. I dated a fellow for about 7 years, and gave up my dream to become a parent- to give birth. It was my own choice, but I did it to keep things happy. We almost fostered, but weren't allowed to because we were unwed. I decided I'd focus on my career and be an aunt.
I can't believe I've been given this chance. I'm going to be a mom, I'm pregnant. I'm so blessed. I feel with every fiber in my being that this baby, Williebird or The General, have God's hands wrapped around, protecting, blessing, loving. I've never felt closer to God as I do at this very moment. I talk to him as I shower, drive, at random moments, and as my last thought of the day.
I suffer from severe anxiety disorder- and I'm without medication. Sure- that means I may worry more than the average person, but I feel blessed.
Last night, I was walking with Tank outside, considering my next blog, thinking about sharing how blessed I am. I came inside and went to the restroom...and noticed I was spotting. I'm not going to lie- I was CRAZY. We called the doctor, googled every symptom I had- and then we did something we've never done before. We prayed together. I sobbed out our prayer as Michael and I held hands. I sobbed as I read the scripture that I claim as mine. Phil 4:6 says "Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything-by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I thought about our church sermon yesterday of feeling at the cross. There was NOTHING I could do. Nothing. I could pray and trust and turn it over to God.
Friends, I'm the biggest control freak you've ever met. I had 10 hours before the doctor's office would open. Somehow, I calmed down. I even slept. Sure, I made 1,000,000,000,000 trips to the bathroom. I slept.
My doctors office had me come in. We did an ultrasound again. I heard the heartbeat- again. I saw my baby's heart, I saw a picture of my healthy little peanut. My doctor did an exam. I'm fine, no bleeding, nothing to worry about. My peanut, our Peanut, is just perfect. We're growing 1mm a day, developing facial features, fingers and toes, perfect.
I'm so blessed. I'm also crazy- and sometimes that wins, but I'm so blessed. Ill never be able, in a trillion years, to thank God enough for this opportunity. The opportunity that I once blew- the one I thought I'd never have. I promise Him that I'll be the best mom ever, and love my baby with all I've got.
I've had no morning sickness and haven't had regular spotting- this was isolated. I think so much about my friends who live with this worry each day, or who haven't had the chance to worry about puking or spotting. It makes me even more thankful.
I know I've, we've, got a long road ahead of us. I don't want to rush this along- but I'll be thankful when my peanut is here to hold. After that I will worry about falls, bumps, bruises, bullies and even driving, one day. I don't want to miss this- any of this.
I am so blessed. I really am. I have family and friends praying for us. We have the support of loved ones literally from coast-to-coast. Every day won't be easy, and I may have some low days- but I'm blessed.
I hope you'll continue to pray for us. This journey is so scary- I won't lie. However- I've got a friend upstairs who is cuddling, protecting and blessing my little peanut. This is HIS child, creation. I'm so blessed. Maybe, just maybe- I'm too blessed to be stressed.
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