What have I done to deserve this?

This is a question I've asked many times over the past thirty-six years. When I was 9 (just three days before my birthday), my parents divorce was final. I was crushed and asked myself, "What have I done to deserve this?"

My mom and I did not get along when I was a girl. We fought constantly and my nickname was Jocelyn G. Osborne. The G was for grounded, because I always was. I'm not sure who asked the question more-my mom or me. We were asking, "What have I done to deserve this?"

My friends, Amanda and Angie, were always so much more beautiful than me. They had great hair, beautiful (still are), and great houses. Amanda had the most beautiful voice and could play the piano. Angie had a two-story house and the entire Nancy Drew series... In hardback. I was awkward, couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, and my skills included being the manager of the team. What have I done to deserve this?

My dad was never around, there were days when he never showed. One day he told me (December 22, 1985 in my grandma's kitchen) that I would always be the most important thing in his life. Ten months later, he had another daughter. My "grandfather" was arrested for child molestation charges. My mom remarried when I was 13-I'm pretty sure dealing with my mouth had Paps asking, "What have I done to deserve this?"

My high school sweetheart broke my heart less than a week after taking my virginity. He would constantly reel me back in- and release me. Eventually he crushed me when he impregnated the girl who had the abortion. What have I done to deserve this?

I had to have a job when I was 16. I didn't get a car. I was making tacos at the Taco Bell when I wasn't on the bench managing the volleyball team. My friends were still prettier. I was still awkward in my braces and my fashion sense included boxers and tshirts. What have I done to deserve this?

Our apartment was broken into and we were assaulted. My security was changed for the rest of my life. The house I lived In caught fire and my kitten died. My dad was arrested and was facing 99 years in prison. My brother was revived after dying and had half his lung removed. What in the world have I done to deserve this?

My Jakers killed himself. Sure, our marriage was miserable, but we were best friends. I remember walking to my door late Tuesday night. I'd watched The Guardian with Christy and went home to find the homicide detective's card on my door. Jake was dead. What have I done to deserve this?

For 36 years, I've compared myself to others. She's luckier than I am. Why did she find the man of her dreams? She doesn't come from a broken home? Why did she get a better job? Constantly I've asked about my life, "What have I done to deserve this?"

Now, I have been blessed with a precious baby inside of me. My little baby has ears, new organs, a brain. She or he is moving arms and legs and growing by leaps and bounds. Lord, what have I done to deserve this?

I'm surrounded by beautiful people who pray each day to be blessed with a little one. I have friends who have had multiple miscarriages or can't get pregnant. What have I done to deserve this?

I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I know that my life experiences have taught me to always find a positive learning example in them. I know that the pressure my parents put on me to work gave me an incredible work ethic- and made me the person I am today. I know that maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of answering my lifelong question.

I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I can promise that I am so conscientious of this gift. I try to be thankful in every moment and try to be a better person. I want to be kind and mindful of others. I want to show appreciation for this blessing- and all of the others hidden along the way.

I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'm sure glad I did it.