Well piss!

First off, I can't believe I'm telling this story. Frankly, it's too good to keep a secret. I better start with some background information. You see, I hate the word poop. It disgusts me. I once dated a guy with a toothless stepdad. Have you ever seen a toothless person say that word? I mean, just go stand in front of a mirror and say it. Your mouth, especially the toothless, looks like a butthole when you say it. We will not use that word with the baby and I sure don't use it now. I'd rather you use crap, shit, caca Sri Lanka, deuce, dump, or go Auburn. My siblings (especially Brandon) love to say it long and slow. EW! The only thing worse is someone else's crap. My poor niece used to hate for me to wipe her butt because I'd gag. She'd actually praise me when I didn't. 

So, having said that, remember I'm pregnant and have a much stronger gag reflex. Today we go to the Annual Michael Chicken Stew (that's Heaven in a bowl, by the way). After we leave we have a couple of errands to run- so I decide to potty before we leave. As I hit the bathroom door, I knew I'd be holding my breath during this pee break. Clearly someone had just (as my brother says) dropped the kids off in the pool. Oh but it's so much worse! They. Didn't. Flush. I'm trying to flush the toilet and with every gag, I pee myself just a little. The gagging got worse and so did the pee. Now I'm just trying to avoid pissing all over their floor. Well...after quickly peeing, I try to flush again. People- this was the cockroach of the crap world. That dang stuff is still floating and I'm still gagging. The bottom line: I both peed myself and puked over this load, but I flushed that biznitch! 

Frankly, it's the best pee story I have. It ranks above peeing myself while being spanked by my uncle, rolling in snow while walking home from school to hide my peed pants, or peeing on my cousin's porch because they didn't answer the door quick enough. 

Ill be in Depends before 40... And in the meantime, I'll carry some extra panties with me. 

Pregnancy Trickery (LIES!!)

I'm so thankful to be pregnant, I cannot thank God enough times in a day. Having said that- people are keeping secrets from the non-pregnant. I'm going to reveal a few of this lies- expose them for what they really are. I mean, seriously, it is not puppy dogs and butterflies!!

Lie 1: Your hair and nails grow and are beautiful. 

This is one of the biggest lies EVER. My hair may be growing- but only my nose hairs. Seriously, I'm starting to look like a 90 year old grandpa. I'm terrified to expose my ears for fear that, they too, have developed a toupee of hair. 

My regular hair is hideous. Imagine a Brillo pad. Yep- it is a bit like straw, coarse, sticking out in ways that a curling iron or flat iron could never fix. It hasn't grown into beautiful locks like Rapunzel. It's more of the Scarecrow. This, my friends, is why pregnant women always chop off their hair. 

Did I mention my scalp? If not, it's because I am mortified at the ummmm...well, lets just say the snow showers falling from my head. My scalp is do DRY. Yes, I've tried different shampoos. It's disgusting! 

So, you'd think if my scalp was dry- my face would be too. Right? WRONG! My face looks like I've dipped it in a vat of grease. It is covered in zits, constantly oily and blotchy. 

Lie 2: You get a burst of energy in your second trimester.

Nope. Still exhausted. I get tired walking from my car to my apartment. I basically refuse to grocery shop for more than one bag of stuff at a time. There's no way I'm making more than one trip. 

Lie 3: The baby moves off of your bladder. 

Ha! I'm excited when I sleep for 5 hours without a pee break. My baby either stayed on my bladder, or packed my bladder up and took it on the trip. 

Lie 4: You can eat what you want

This is a lie because IF anything sounded good, maybe you could eat what you want. Too bad nothing sounds good. I mean, I'm content with breakfast food, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and icees. I can never decide what sounds good, but I can tell you what sounds horrible! 

Best example: I turned down a piece of Zoe's chocolate cake because it sounded "too rich".

Lies by omission:

There are some things no one is kind enough to ever mention...

I've gained like 3 pounds and am HUGE. It's no secret I'm having a baby. It looks like I'm having a football team. I though you had to gain weight to be extra fat?

Oh my gosh. No one tells you that you'll hate smokers. I mean- want to punch them in the face with your car kind of hate. It takes every ounce of control to not cuss out people who smoke in my walking space. Kill your own lungs, a-holes. Don't blow your carcinogens into MY baby's lungs.  

No one really tells you about the mood swings. It's like you're looking from the outside and you just wait for your head to spin and green pea soup to fly out of your mouth. Anger comes so quick at times. Ooh- and you cry about everything. It isn't just the Sarah Maclachlan animal shelter commercials anymore. I cry about EVERYTHING. 

Of course, no one tells you about the worries. You know what to worry about in the first trimester, but the rest? Learn it on your own. Facebook and the Internet don't help. Facebook has every kid with any ailment and you want to pray for that family- and at the same time you want to be selfish and just hope it isn't your child. 

What? You got a paper cut? If you google it, you'll see the effects of your cut on your pregnancy and every horror story about pregnant women, paper cuts and the fact they had to have the cut body part amputated. 

Yep. That's just some of the truth about pregnancy. I kept it clean. Maybe someday Ill write my promised book and tell about the stuff NO ONE mentions. 

PS. Kelly...this blog is for you :)

PPS. I found yet another zit while taking a pee break from blog writing. 

Just give me a reason...

Wow, how a year changes everything. One year ago, I had no earthly clue which direction my life was heading. 35 (on the eve of 36), unmarried, no children, and just beginning to start whipping my body into shape. My family was really hitting the skids. Rainman and I were trying to figure out if "we" were right. I wasn't happy with life. 

Now, I'm not talking miserable unhappy or suicide unhappy- just blah. I started to realize that a career isn't your life. That was an interesting pill to swallow. It was just me and Tank- and growing old was scary. I wasn't putting any effort into my relationship and the Rainman wasn't either. 

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough

Just a second we're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again...

Man! I love Pink! This song hits me EVERY single time I hear it. This song was me. It was us. We had to get over a hurdle of laziness and apathy to make our relationship work. 

It's in the stars

It's been written in the scars on our hearts

I wish I could describe the change for us. We reconnected- focused on talking TO each other, spending time together (and not just in the same room). We changed our talk from mine and his to "ours". 

There's more than empty sheets between our love

Our love, our love

We decided in October that 2013 would be our year for a baby. Obviously, we thought it would take a while. WE started talking marriage and engagement. It wasn't just me talking anymore. We knew we'd be engaged by June of 2013. 

In February of 2013, two amazing things happened. First, we found a church that we both love. Then, we found out a baby was coming!!! 

Let me be clear- we were SHOCKED. Without being graphic, we'd only been trying for less than a month and we only see each other on the weekends. It was the best surprise. Ever. 

I never dreamed that I'd be a mom. Well, I dreamed it- but it's the same kind of dream as winning the lottery or marrying Adam Levine. I just didn't think it would ever happen. 

Tonight- as I sit on the eve of birthday #37, I'm so blessed. More than words, picture, song or dance. My life is so near perfection. Im engaged, WE are getting married on July 6 and Baby Logan will arrive in just 5 months!! 

I now have an inkling of what's to come- feelings I never imagined are filling my heart and mind. Rainman and I are enjoying this journey together- with the support of our families. My life has done a complete 180. 

I have so many wishes for this next year- a healthy baby, a happy marriage- the continued peace in my family and well-being of loved ones. 

Somewhere is the saying about waking up and only having what you thanked God for the night before. I try to remember that when my head hits the pillow each night. I know it won't be easy...I've never been a mom before, both Rainman and I are used to living alone and being independent. We've never shared such a responsibility and we'll be doing it in our first year of marriage. 

I know we can do it. I know it. I have faith that THIS is the blessing I've waited 37 years for. We have the most amazing prayer warriors on our side, and we have God on our side.

I can't wait to reflect one year from tonight. Will my heart manage to be any fuller? Will my joy and thankfulness make me explode? I'm eager to see. 

The best birthday gift ANYONE can give me- is the gift of prayer. Prayer for a healthy baby, prayer blessings over my marriage and my family. 

I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them...