It's the end of the year as we know it...and I feel fine.

I was driving last night and felt so blessed. I mean, 2012 might have been one of my best years yet. I was able to share with God all of the things that I'm thankful for...and that's a great feeling!

2012 started with so many challenges. I was obese (technically still am), unhappy, my "friendships" had a rough 2011, I wasn't sure where my relationship with my brother was going or if it was able to be fixed, Rainman and I were "okay"...frankly we were coasting. The year didn't bring much positive prospect.

In March, my new baby niece was born. Memphis (seester, MG) really brought dramatic change to my life. She helped further repair the relationship between my brother and I. She has brought my heart so much joy because she loves (loves, loves, loves) her Aunt Jocie. Of course, she also brought me to Indiana and to my weight crossroads.

I still remember the look in my dad's eyes when I said what I weighed. 263.5. I knew at that moment that something had to change. I bet him that I could lose 50 pounds by December. Here's the thing about me- I don't like to be wrong, so I was ready. I'm sure it is like they say about smoking...you have to be ready to quit.

I started using Advocare by doing the 24 Day Challenge. I learned that there were some healthy foods I enjoyed, and that I am so addicted to sugar. My best friend, Misty, also made one move that was the second dramatic change to my life. She took me to boot camp at the GCC.

I remember that first day so well. I was scared, felt out of place, tired (it was 5 am), and was certain I would die. I remember Tracy trying to inspire me and sHELLey scaring the bajeezus out of me. Although Misty and I have found different paths for our exercise and weight loss journeys, I'm so glad she introduced me to the GCC. More importantly, I'm so thankful that we've both found success, and that she's my best friend.

As y'all know, this blog comes from those first experiences in boot camp. So much has come from it- I enjoy working out! I've lost 45 pounds (probably 60 if you include the times I gained and then lost it again). I can do push-ups, have some muscle tone (if you look closely), and my body has changed so much. I have two pics that I don't show many people (seriously, I'm in a bra and panties), but my legs aren't rubbing together, my stomach has changed, and my poor amazing boobs have shrunk.

I love being healthier- I'm not going to claim to be even close to healthy- but the GCC helped me find someone really important. Myself. I now know who I am and am closer to figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. I can be me at the GCC. I've developed friendships that I cannot describe. My crew. My people. The funniest collection of people you will ever meet. There is no question that I have a core group of 5 am girls that would have never been friends if we met at work, in church or at a bar. However, we are now sisters. We are executives and republicans, tattoo lovers and democrats, moms of twins, moms of teens, and not moms. We are married or not, we are in love. We don't care about the differences in all of us. We even accept Bob for who he is ;)

Finding myself has helped me get over the heartache of friendships that are no more, it's helped me be a better friend (I hope) to those who want to be in my life.

I think it has also helped my relationship with the Rainman. We,too, had some bumps in 2012. Although I never want them again, I'm thankful that we were able to redirect our relationship. Refocus our attention. We got off of cruise control and started controlling our own future. I now know what the future brings...maybe not when, but what.

So 2012, I'm sad to see you go. I know, however, that 2013 promises to bring what you gave and o much more. So, here are a few plans for the next year...maybe you'll help me pray that God continues to bless my life:

1. Continue to be healthier: exercise, eat better, cut stress
2. Be a good friend: I'm blessed with the best and I want to be the best
3. Grow family relationships and maintain current ones
4. 2013: the year of the baby. I really want to get pregnant this year
5. If he likes it then he better put a ring on it ;) (yep- out of order, but if my 80 yr old church deacon grandfather is ok with the wrong order...)


Blessings of 2012 (a snapshot in no particular order):
1. Health (and healthy family)
2. Cancer free- even if Nic had to lose a kidney ;)
3. Better relationship with Brandon and Tami
4. Rainman
5. The blog
6. Best friend
7. The Crew
8. Getting healthy
9. Finding me

I could go on and on. The country song says it best, "Be a best friend, tell the truth, overuse I love you, go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your praying knees get lazy, and love like crazy."

Bring it 2013.

Two Fat Girls Walk into a Yoga Bar

Holy smokes! I haven't blogged in nearly two months! Writer's block? Maybe.

So I tried this class called BodyFlow. My rendition was more like BodyJerk. Let me be honest, I so did not try this class on purpose. It was launch week (yea, yea, in OCTOBER) and I was at Boot Camp. We did our usually 15 minute run. Clearly I should've noticed Shelley's flip-flops...or the matching Flow instructors coming in a 5 am. Seriously though, y'all. It was 5 in the morning. I'm lucky to notice if I'm dressed. We walk into the group exercise (READ: Zen) room. The lights were off, it was calm, mats were on the floor. I was stoked. Nap time? Heck yea!!! Ummmm no. Three lovely instructors trying to keep a straight face as they taught us the pretzel, inside out dog, the headstand and rubbing your belly while patting your head.

Frankly, I thought I was going to be a cakewalk. I did some yoga in my skinnier days. I mean, I tried it. Wrong! I was pouring sweat 5 minutes in. I was using muscles I've never used in the gym (ok, not those muscles). It hurt! It was hard. Plus, it was all "Ohm" and I wanted to shout or curse or at least crack a self- depreciating joke. Shelley was basically doing the splits on her head, and I was proud to get a 10 degree angle out of my legs. Plus there was "the moment". If you know me, you know that I have the gutterish mind of a 15 year old boy. I actively make "that's what she said" jokes- and laugh at them. So, we get I this position that opens every single possible inappropriate joke door (I mean even the little door a mouse would go through), and I had to refrain. Ugh! Ohm...remember? At least everyone was impressed with my newly developed self-control.

The moral of the story is: good thing I go to 5 am boot camp. Otherwise I would've had to try spin...and use THOSE muscles. Shelley decided to push everyone out of their comfort zone by having us experience classes we normally avoid. It worked. I actually want to try "flow" again. Maybe I'll be less likely to Ebb.

J

This Wasn't on the Brochure

So, today was the Warrior Dash. Let me be clear- no blog, no pictures, no stories or bruises can do it justice. This is one bad mamba jamba.

I'm going to try to tell y'all all about it, but I might get tired and have to do stages or something. Ugh.

A. Doing the Warrior Dash was so not my idea. Although we can't find the original source of peer pressurers, we're pretty sure their names are Catol and Rachel.

B. we had great plans of training for this event. We were going to the rock climbing place, lose weight, run... Ha! However, we learned that sHELLey is the best training.

Once upon a time there were four girls and one husband who decided to do a really insane 5K. They met a handsome prince (ok, he drove us there) who happened upon the opportunity for some "fun" at the last minute. The fire shot, they jumped around and then they heard "Go!" They started jogging through a real pasture with animal patties and holes.

The first came across a barrier that they had to crawl under and climb over. They crawled under barbed wire and smashed their thighs on the wood walls...

Much like Hansel and Gretel, they ventured into a scary forest. The handsome prince (trust me, he deserves much better for all he did) led the crew down a steep path in the forest. It was slippery and someone (me) wiped out immediately. Fortunately, there were no broken bones and they were able to continue to the rope climb. Each member had to tug a rope as they climbed to the top of the steep valley.

After a few more paces, they came to this crossing that required them to crawl up some wood and cross (up and down) the land.

Then they saw the fun! It was an "easy" obstacle. All they had to do was walk into some mud, climb a wee hill and slide back down. This girl was excited! Oops! Mud is slippery and it was hard to climb. To the tip top I got, woosh! Back to the bottom, I fell. Not once, not twice, but three times! Sadly, the third time included knocking down a person behind me. The prince could be heard shouting and giggling, "This is fun!"

They traipsed through the forest, down the valley and back up. Tears came with the rain. This girl was ready to quit. The crew stepped in, holding my hand, talking me out of hyperventilation and down the next valley. Some slid down on their butts, others went through the brush- getting caught by thorny bushes. Through a trap of lines, a mud tunnel on our hands and knees, more mud, another wipeout, and a tight rope bridge.

Am I forgetting stuff? Probably. The crew stayed together- faced the mud, the falls and the challenges. Soon, a deep pond could be seen. I could hear the Turtleman's cry-"Live Action" as I splashed into the murky water, feeling the tangle of pond plants. We had to team up- the Prince pulling our arms and strangers pushing our feet as we climbed on the barrier in the middle. On the other side, we had to plunge back into the freezing water, swallowing and choking on pond muck, swimming to the other side.

What is that? Music? The end is in sound. They crawled under the military barbed wire, raced-ish (as much as possible while covered in mud, soaking wet, physically spent) to the cargo nets. Oh my GAH! They loomed about 20+ feet up in the air- would this be our demise? My crew cheered me on, reassured me as I crossed the top and started back down. Whew!

The crowd was going wild! We were at the end. Our friends could see us and cheer us on, two obstacles to go, we can do it!
They ran- leaping over two walls of fire! One more...hands and knees, another mud crawl to the end. Right, left, right, left. My sidekick, my partner, BRENNA (making sure she sees her name) met me and we grabbed hands and crossed the finish.

That's where this story of the adventure ends. The handsome prince drove the warriors to their cars (in his undies) and everyone returned to their abodes.

So...you know when you shower after being at the beach and sand just falls out of your suit? Imagine that with mud, the longest shower can't help you feel clean and 9 hours later, you still itch.
You now worry about the feverish feeling- did I get a flesh eating bacteria? Is a cut infected? There is the sore butt, wrist and bruised knees and shins to keep as memories.

More than that- the fact that a 21 year old kid helped a group of middle-aged women through, the strangers who cheered, gave words of encouragement or a hand. The friends who made memories that won't ever go away. The knowledge that without our boot camp and sHELLey, sHELLey's BELLes wouldn't have made it. The idea that we did it, we didn't fail, we didn't skip a single obstacle. That's what today was about. Of course, as we slipped and slided down the forest slopes, one woman shouted, "This is not on the brochure." Thank you, strange lady. You titled my blog.

My Last will and Testament

Well, tomorrow is the Warrior Dash. If you don't know what it is, you can google it OR just assume it's a stupid run that includes a few rounds of Russian Roulette. Lets be honest, I trip over carpet in my bare feet. I run into doors and mirrors (at least then I'm polite enough to apologize). Yesterday I smashed my knuckle in a door. So, a 5K (difficult in itself) with obstacles that include fire, barbed wire, cargo nets, mud, and possibly contaminated water is like wrestling a tiger for raw steaks.

Therefore, I find it best to publish my last will and testament. Basically, I know my mother won't listen to my wishes.

I, Jocelyn Anne Osborne Schilling, of questionable mind (like, seriously- how sound can it be?) and amazing character attest to the following:

If I die as a result of the Warrior Dash please do the following:

1) cremate me and spread my ashes over the Jefferson Memorial pond in DC.
2) give me the best surprise funeral ever (since no one ever bothered to give me a surprise bday party).
3) please close the bottom half of my casket so my cankles do not show. sHELLey hasn't bothered to teach me ankle exercises for weight loss yet.
4) I want to be wearing something comfy- so don't dress me in something tight or fancy. Skip the make-up too, we all know I do daily!
5) for my sister, Savannah Z Osborne, I leave the following: the extra 55 pounds I want to lose, and my ass. It's the only chance she has to get one.
6) for Michael D Logan (AKA Rainman), I leave the Hoho and Tank. Don't bother giving him the cat- he'll get his purr removed.
7) for my workout BFF, Brenna Powell, I leave my exercise shorts. They might be too big for her, but she might wear them in memory of me.
8) for BOB, I leave my real sense of humor, Penn isn't successful without Teller. Oh- please cut off my ear and give it to him too- it'll save y'all from having to listen to him.
9) for Annette, I leave my famous trophy. She was my fellow 5K virgin and deserves the recognition.
10) for Stacy, I leave being Shelley's favorite- and a reminder to always park your car somewhere else if you want to surprise Shelley.
11) for KMo, I leave my underwear. She knows why.
12) for Allison, I leave my stomach. Please fill it regularly with homemade treats.
13) For Melanie, I leave Bob. As his neighbor, you have to keep him in line. :)
14) for Shelley, I leave my blog. Someone has to make sure we get on TLC. Please keep my picture in the gym at all times.
15) for Tracy, I leave all my Lucky Charms. No one loves them like we do. Also, I leave her in charge of keeping my memory alive. She was my first GCC inspiration.
16) the rest can go to my mom- use the money to put my kids through college, throw away my hoarding evidence, and please make my tshirts into a quilt!
17) for Misty D Michael, my BFF, I leave my cat. She will hate this, but it will make her remember me and she can throw it at Dra when he acts a fool (or think about it). Also- you can find a replacement for me for our Christmas Village date if I don't survive.
18) for my GCC Crew- I leave the appreciation of knowing its your fault I died. Why'd y'all let me do something so stupid?!?

Lastly- please make sure I have a black choir at my funeral. I need some of my soul to be represented. Serve cupcakes (no carrots) and mandarin orange Spark.

J

Surviving a 5K

I learned a totally valuable lesson about running. Honestly, I learned a few. Sadly, I learned most of them the hard way. You see, I asked how to prepare for a run and all of my friends gave me their best advice on what to wear, to eat or not eat, pacing and chafing.

Apparently I asked the wrong questions. What I really needed to know was...how to live and survive after the run. Seriously? None of you thought to mention that?!?

So, here are a few tips for those who have never participated in a 5K (or love someone who hasn't and care enough to give the very best).

1. Do NOT make plans for the next 24-48 hours. For example, don't plan to watch football with your boyfriend and his mom later in the day. She might come to watch the game and you are PASSED OUT asleep in the middle of the day.

2. Get plenty of nutrition-and fast! This includes tip 1, don't make plans for dinner, have dreams of eating dinner or celebrating with friends. You might be PASSED OUT and miss a meal or five.

3. Don't plan to move. I'm not talking packing and getting a new house, I'm talking from point A to point B. Seriously. Squatting to sit on the toilet hurts, walking hurts, your back, arms, legs, abs and face hurt. I don't know why your face hurts, but it might be from grimacing as a result of the other pain.

4. Don't return to the gym. No pain, no gain? BS. I didn't have any gain and I had a boatload of pain!! Plus, I went to boot camp where did the Native American run (you might call it an Indian run, but I don't like Columbus, so I'll be PC). This is where people run in a line, and the last person tries to run to the front. I think. This really was the girl in front of me is shorter and her cute little arms only go to the top of her head...as she tried to pass a medicine ball to me. So, I'm trying not to run on her heels and get the ball. This created much laughter and additional pain. Frankly, our team left us. Oh- and the dumpsters had just been emptied which allowed me to perform my famous retching noise as I gagged.

5. Ibuprofen IV. My darling friend, Tracy, advised me to get plenty of fluids and ibuprofen (after the race ). Of course, if you'll remember tips 1 and 2 you know you're PASSED OUT and cant take it regularly. So just get an IV.

6. Don't do a 5K during college football season. Seriously, who wants to miss a whole day's worth of football? (besides an Auburn fan this year) tehe!

7. Finally, don't do a 5K without your friends. It's the only way to survive. They understand, make it more fun, and (if you're like me) wait for you at the finish line.

8. Make sure you ask your boyfriend for 5K flowers. Maybe he will be as awesome as mine and get you something even better... I got a trophy.

J

The 5K

As most of you know, today was my first 5K. What you may not know is why I'm so passionate about childhood cancer- and that's an important part of this story. I promise to talk about the run, but the important stuff comes first.

When I started teaching at Chalkville, I met the most amazing person. Ginger Dyer is kind, beautiful (inside and out) and God-loving. She and her husband had multiple miscarriages, but finally were blessed with a baby girl in November of 2006. Meredith Grace. The following summer, Mere was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma. I remember the binder of information the Dyers received from the doctor and the pain on their faces. They struggled so much with hospitalization, doctor visits and the unknown.

Childhood cancer is evil. It is Hilter and Osama bin Ladin making a baby and sending it in a category 1,000,000,000 hurricane. Each day 46 children are diagnosed and 7 more die.

Meredith had a (comparatively) short battle. God blessed them with a quicker healing. The fight, however, is never over. They have the ongoing fear of reoccurrence, tests, and they watch the battles continue for those they came to love and know.

I was so touched by this. I began following other children on caringbridge.com, I got a childhood cancer ribbon tattooed on my wrist. I tried to find small ways to make a difference. I've met kids and families that have changed me forever. I met Tucker Beam. Tuck was the cutest little boy- he loved sports (especially Alabama football!). I remember the day he died and I remember the line at his visitation- covering an entire High school gym, out the door, through the school...I remember Tuck every single day. I met Taylor Hendrix. She's a bad mamba jamba- high school senior, six reoccurrences, and just had her lung removed. Yet every Christmas she does stockings for the kids at Children's so they will have something at the hospital while fighting cancer. Then there is Kristen. Kristen Dreyer is my sister's best friend from college. Her battle is almost a decade old. She has been to every major hospital in the US (almost) and sought treatment in Europe. She has had organs removed, been away from family for months. He's constantly sick and tired- literally. Kristen is always positive and keeps the dark spots of her battle to private moments. She's such a champ.

Truth is- if my full-time job could be to fight childhood cancer- i'd do it in a heartbeat. It's my dream. Funding for childhood cancer is pennies compared to other cancers- and where does it all start?!

So I get the chance to run today. We all know I can't run three miles. But it's an hour of my day. Will it hurt? Yes. Be tiring? Yes. Scary? Yes. For an hour. Not for a year- like Mere. Eternity like Tuck's family. Six years like Taylor or a decade like Kristen. One freaking hour.

So the fun part :) We get there and have to walk two blocks. Really? Shuttle bus? I tell everyone that if I go missing- I'll be at Dreamcakes! I prep by eating a granola bar and drinking some Spark. We take pictures. My sweet sister comes with a sign to cheer me on.

On your mark, get set, go! Well, it didn't really happen like that- but I ran. Then I walked. Then I ran. I made deals with myself- you will run to ------- and then you can walk. I ran every downhill. I looked at every picture along the way of the kids I was supporting. I thought about "my" cancer kids. People sat on porches and cheered us on. I ran. I walked. I felt horrible for throwing my water cups down. Of course, my gum FLIES out of my mouth at about a quarter of a mile in. Ugh. My fingers swelled. I saw Dreamcakes, they were closed ;)

Finally, I'm falling up this hill. It felt like Mt. Rushmore. I see a sign telling me that...well, I saw the sign. Time to get my eyes checked because I couldn't read the distance. Finally, I got close enough and It said 2.5 miles. I had less than one mile to go!! I knew I could do it.

Then- my IPod changed songs. Jeremy Camp's "I Still Believe" started playing. Tears welled in my eyes and goosebumps covered my arms. That song was written about his sweet wife, Melissa. She, too, lost her battle with cancer. I was like, "Okay, God. I gotcha." I started running. Then I walked for a bit and saw the end. It was crowded and had a red light with times. I took off running. I saw my sister, and Annette and Brenna.

I did it. I finished a 5K. My chipped time says 48:50. I didn't finish last. I was best by some walkers, a guy with one leg, and probably a nursing home...but I wasn't last.

I crossed the finish line and saw Meredith and Ginger. Then I cried.

I'll be sore tomorrow, but I'm proud of myself. Today I showed an ounce of the strength that my friends with cancer show every minute. I set a goal and met it.

Today was for you, Mere. It was for Tuck- but he got to root me on the whole time from his seat above. It was for my hero, Taylor. It was for the sunshine of Kristen. It was for every child diagnosed with cancer. It was for every adult fighting cancer. It was for hope.

Johnny Got His Gun

Let me be clear...this is my mind thinking aloud. It is not in an effort for all of you (Mom and Shelley) to reassure me or anything. I'm "venting".

I'm still really struggling with body image. Yes, I've lost 45 pounds, but I don't see the changes in my body. In fact, I now have one of those gross juicy veins popping out on my leg. I see that change :) Sure my clothes fit differently- in fact, my most favorite shoes (sparkly Tom wedges) are too big now. Some pictures show me a different me, the scale shows a different me and my time at the gym shows a different me. The mirror doesn't.

That is probably the most frustrating part of all of this. I know I'm thinner. I know I feel better working out. I just want to see what others see. I've had numerous people compliment me lately about how I look. That feels great. I'm LESS self-conscious in shorts at the gym. It helps. Someday I will look in the mirror and see in a new me...

In the meantime, I've made some accomplishments and set some goals. I'm thinking putting them in writing will help.

Goals:
- Weight loss (original 50 lbs by Dec, now 100 total)
- Become a runner
- Run a 5K, build to a half marathon
- Fit into Nike workout shorts
- Be able to shop in the regular sizes
- Wear shorts by summer of 2013 for everyday life
- Learn to not "punch like a girl" in combat

Accomplishments:
- Can touch my elbow to knee during crunches
- Run a mile without walking or stopping
- cut 3.5 minutes off my mile time in 5 months
- Can jump rope a little
- Have lost 45 pounds in 5 months
- Went from a size 22-24W to 18W
- Bought a pair of shorts in the normal people section
- Can do almost 50 push-ups
- Exercise = toning to avoid extra jiggle


I need to keep these in mind. It will help me stay focused and motivated. Well, honestly- 5 am is now more about my social life. We have so much fun together!!! Everyone is "the crew" is welcoming to each other and so supportive.

Okay, so this title is dedicated to Mrs. Glenda Cornstuble. She was the best English teacher EVER and expanded my love of reading. This book was my favorite book from American Experience and was written in stream of consciousness...kind of how I feel the blog was written today.

The Final Challenge

This morning was the final challenge of this month's boot camp...so I've completed my 5th cycle.

Anyway, Shelley drags us outside and announces that you must partner up with someone of the opposite fitness level of you. Woohoo! These are the days that make-up for every fat kid picked last for dodgeball. Speaking of, I wonder if she'll let us play one day?! Anyway, fat and slow people are hard to find in boot camp and this one was snatched up first! By. Freedom.

Let me paint this scene for you- you know the movie Twins with Schwartzenagger and DeVito? Beauty and the Beast? Pinky and the Brain? Michael Jackson and Brooke Shields? Yep. Freedom- athletic, cheerleading coach, fast runner, hot husband. Jocelyn- slightly obese, fast food dining coach, fast reader, no husband.

So- we have to do an exercise 10 times and then run a lap. Here's the catch- if one of us (let's just say, Freedom) happens to finish first, she has to start the next exercise and keep going until I finish. Then we do 20 of a different exercise (or until the slower person, hypothetically, me) does 20, and run. Then 30, 40, 50. You get it? If you get to 100, you work your way back.

I'm exhausted from returning to workouts, I've got this hip thing going on, and I am DYING! My amazing partner, however, puts her cheerleading skills to work and encourages me nearly every step of the way. She could've lapped me a bagillion times (like everyone else), but she didn't.

We made it to 80 basketball jumps and it was almost time to go. I was certain we weren't going to have to run the last lap. Ha! I was wrong. Annette helped me while Shelley tried to encourage longer steps.

I lived AND I got Freedom to do the chapstick and the pony and the cheer. So it was worth it. Of course, watching BOB get his butt chewed and not know it (thanks to earphones) was great too. But the best part might have been discovering that Shelley is simply a human water fountain.

This boot camp was fun because it brought new friends, a new haircut, time to see my pal Kristen, and the crew was in the house. It also brought an after picture that makes me look skinny!

Our next boot camp starts on Tuesday. I hope it brings lots of fun, Red Rover and dodgeball.

The End.

She's Baaaaa-aaaaack

So all of my fans have been begging for a new blog. First Shelley and then my mom. I don't want to disappoint the two of them ;)

I took a little hiatus from working out and blogging. I wasn't feeling well and could've slept for days. Basically, I just wanted sleep and carbs. It was odd. I finally went to the doctor, had lots of blood drawn and found out something important- I was tired. My doc told me sometimes my body is smarter than me (and him) and knows when I need lots of rest.

Anyway- I'm baaaaaa-aaaack! I returned to boot camp yesterday and it felt so great to be surrounded by my people. We were outside (thanks to election day) and did a team "relay". For once Shelley let me and my crew be on the same team. Then she decided to participate, and I figured out why she didn't break up the crew. She wanted to join it!

Truth is, it was all fun and games until Freedom (who by design took the role of the other team's captain) started developing cheers for her team. Then it became hilarious. I also had to have a talk with BOB. He's a fairly funny guy, and I'm not certain the 5 am comedy stage is big enough for both of our acts. We discussed a way to make it work.

Okay, so...first I decided to do a 5K in October. I signed up in like April for it and HAD plenty of time to train. Remember- I'm still at a 13 minute mile. Then I was peer pressured into signing up for the Warrior Dash a week before the 5K. Still, I HAD plenty of time to train. Note to self: START TRAINING. Now, my genius self is going to run the Monkey C 5K. It is NEXT weekend. Ummmm...might need to run a little?

I decide to be a cool kid and join the Wednesday morning runners (I'm not sure that's their actual name, the real one may be way cooler). Here are some things I thought about as I once again reached for destination among the cool running kids:
1) Where do you put your keys when you run?
2) Water?
3) Should I wear pants or find somewhere to store my phone? Clearly wearing shorts is a fire hazard and I may need to call 911.
4) How in the H.E.Double hockey sticks will I ever keep up?

I slowly figured out the answers...buy a car with a keypad (or run with a friend that has one), chew gum, pants, keep dreaming.

I'm running with the following: a marathon person, a half-marathon/mom of 100 kids/fitness teacher/beauty queen, a girl who owns a jogging skirt (and I was worried about the shorts fire hazard!), a chic who is running almost a 5K a week, and a great friend.

I was going to get behind. I knew it. However, I again fell to peer pressure and joined the group out on the open roads. Thank goodness for my friend. Do I think she could've kept up with them? Yes. Did she? No. She ran with me, walked with me, and pushed me to run a little more. We were far behind about a half-mile in. Let me be clear- I didn't want to slow the pack. I was worried I would, so I am thankful that I didn't. Of course, it was nice to chat and catch up a little too...when I could breathe.

I did almost 2.5 miles. That's not bad. I walked more than I ran, but that's ok too. The rest of the day provided me with aching muscles.

I don't know if I'll ever meet the goal, but I want to do a half someday. I guess I'll start with a 5K next week. In the meantime I will practice. I probably should blog more too...

What you get is not what you see...

I mean, I know that isn't how the saying goes, but it is my reality now. I've passed the 40 pound threshold. I started my journey on March 13, and 5 months later I've lost 40 pounds. My closet is getting emptier by the weekend...but the eBay profits are hitting the cruise account :)

Here's the problem- I don't look any different. When I look in the mirror, I see 263.5 pound Jocelyn. When I am in a picture, it's 263.5 pound Jocelyn. It's so darn frustrating. That is coupled with the fact that people don't notice. I mean, it's back to school time. Im seeing faces I haven't seen in a while. If they aren't reading this or seeing the news on Facebook, they don't know that I'm losing weight. Y'all notice and tell me how proud you are, and I do appreciate it. I guess it's a little of that whole "your mom has to say you're pretty because she's your mom" thing. So I wonder if people can really tell or if they just are being sweet. Make sense?

I'm a huge Advocare fan. I feel like it was what really kicked off my success. I use the 24 day meal plan to guide my daily life and live for a Spark in the morning. I say all of this because a number of my gym folks have done the Arbonne 30 Days to fit diet- and have had great success. I promised to do it with them this month. This month?! The month that is my craziest of all 12 at work, where my partner at work is on medical leave, the month when a family member (8 hours away) is diagnosed with kidney cancer and has to have a kidney removed? Good thinking.

There are so many people who have great success on this diet. Heck, I lost almost 8 pounds last week. Am I eating enough? No. Am I completely miserable? Yes. Did I fall off the wagon today and get completely run over by it? Heck to the yes. However, I refrained from a ham sandwich because as I told my mom, "You know I would've put mayonnaise on that b$tch."

So I am struggling. I'm a people pleaser- never want to disappoint. I've got a bet riding on the success of these 30 days. I also had a Superintendent look at me today and ask what was wrong and I slept a chunk of the weekend away. I also don't do well with falling off the wagon. I'm an all or nothing person, and half-donkey success feels like failure to me.

Anyway. I'll figure it out. I want to do what is best. This is what I know. This diet totally works for some people (just like Weight Watchers for others). I'm down 40 pounds in five months. I have a great support system (check that: the greatest). This is the most Debbie Downer blog I've ever written. Tomorrow is a new day :) The end.

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Sadly, the title of this blog has been censored by the FCC.

I went on vacation. I went away for one whole week of rest, relaxation, white sandy beaches and crashing waves. Okay, so really I traveled with the Rainman and 17 (yes, 17) family members. I'd love to tell you all about it, but it will have to wait. You see, I returned to the gym this morning.

Let's be clear. I missed ONE day of pre-vacation pump due to a bladder infection from the land down under (and I don't mean Australia). I missed ONE day of post-vacation Pump because I took Benadryl at 12:30 AM to prevent death by choking on my swollen tongue. The way my darling sHELLey acted, I'd been laying (lying?) in bed for weeks, snoozing the alarm and saying, "to hell with working out."

Truth is, I think she was trying to make me mad- and it was working. Between the snide texts I received and her pre-boot camp comments, I was in full pissed off mode before we even started. She was earning every curse word I'd ever said.

So- what's my lovely welcome back greeting? A darn (see? I'm trying to clean it up) timed mile. First, I wore my pretty shoes- so I wasn't getting them dirty on the red clay outside. An inside mile is NINE laps. Ugh.

Brenna (who used to be my friend) was given the task of running with me and pushing me- and timing me. My flipping inhaler didn't work and I was mad. Let's just say that Brenna (who really is still my friend) shouldn't repeat ANYTHING I said in front of her kids.

We ran three laps before I had to walk a bit. Stacy joined us at the start of lap 6, and by that time, I didn't have enough air to get a curse word out. I walked a little more. By lap 8 I was certain I would die. My lungs were ready to explode. I knew. I was almost done. My time to beat was 13:52.

Apparently I turned into Rocky at the beginning of lap 9. I took out my earbuds, threw my iPod to the ground and RAN. The other two knew the time, and I heard Brenna tell Stacy, "Don't say it out loud." Honestly? I thought I was going to be slower, hearing that pushed me more. I had 2 corners to go.

When I finished, I stumbled. My legs were jello. I could not breathe. I was so glad to be done (and shut her the sHELLey up), that I felt tears rolling down my face. I might've sobbed, but I didn't have enough breath.

My time? 12:55. I beat last month by almost a minute. To me, the most important detail is that my original time just a few months ago was 16:16. My goal for August is 12:16. It will be my 4 month boot camp anniversary, and cutting 4 minutes off my time is how I'd like to celebrate.

We all need different methods of motivation, and I need Shelley. I need her to push and challenge me. Sometimes I need her to mother me, be my friend, and other times I need her to piss me off. That's what is so great about her. She, like any amazing teacher, understands the needs of her students. Each student has a different "learning style" and she works them accordingly.

I also need my crew. I needed Brenna and Stacy to push me- without making me cuss them. I needed Melanie to help me breathe when I thought I would die. I needed Tracy to check on me, and I needed sHELLey to prove wrong. :)

I Like How It Feels...

So I haven't blogged yet this month, but I did get to spend some extra time with my Granma, so I know I'm forgiven :).

The theme of July is today's title, simply because Les Mills is trying to kill us all- but wants us to enjoy the death. Last weekend was the GCC's launch. I got to take my mom and her friends to check out how I exercise. Celeste did Body Pump with me, and Mom and Sue did Body Attack. I did them back-to-back. I swear there are a bagillion push-ups in every class now. Plus enough squats and lunges to make your legs want to fall off.

The Launch was my first time "pumping" with Shelley, and that was fun. There was also a new to me instructor. I don't actually know her name, but after 5 seconds of teaching, I looked at my friends and said, "Strawberry Shortcake". She's cute as a button, red hair, and NICE!?!?

I also did Body Combat again- holy smokes- it works your shoulders!! Melissa was so fun to watch teach it, because like Shelley, it is clearly her favorite class to teach. She lights up the whole room. For some bizarre reason, she told me I fight like a girl. Ummm...duh! I am a girl. I was just proud that I've learned to punch without tucking my thumbs!! I also realized that, like at a dolphin show, you should be warned if you're in the splash (READ: sweat) zone in that room. Ick!!

July brings a new boot camp that starts Tuesday. I'm praying I can get a faster mile! It also brings a week without Shelley to push me- apparently she gets to vacation like the rest of us. Plus, I'll be away at the beach for a week. Temptation much??

We shall see how I do! I'm working on. A nickname for Freedom- she taught Attack alone yesterday and has earned those stripes :)

Vacation...Or is it?

So, I was planning my trip to Lafayette. I planned my night out with friends, a party with family, some "dates", and my special eating places. I also planned on a few days of not working out. Well, you can't spell sHELLey without "hell".

The day before I'm to leave, I get a text from HER. It has the Newtone Fitness Center group fitness schedule and two words, "no excuses". Holy flipping cow. We all know I follow what my leader says, so I get right on it. I have two friends that workout at Newtone and were willing to help a sista out.

In 4th grade I had a friend named Bob. He's still my friend and his name is still Bob. Anyway, he was so cool AND he's a black belt in karate. So, he was showing off his mad skills one day at recess and I got to hold his hat. It was the coolest day ever. I tell this story to say that Bob's beautiful girlfriend, Bri, is one of new my L-town workout buddies.

My other workout buddy, Dawn, is actually an instructor at Newtone. We became friends through mutual friends and she is amazing. She's also workout hot. In case you don't know what that is, workout hot is when you admire someone's looks at the gym in a non-sexual way.

Anyway- Dawn and I went to do Step. There was this bandana mafia there- about 5 women, ages 60+, in their bandana headbands and they were kicking tail. There was also an old Chinese woman, who weighed maybe 80 pounds, and she did every high option at full intensity. I was just trying not to fall off my step or trip over it.

We stayed for Pump. Dawn was practicing teaching the first half (she did great) and Bri came to workout with me. They have metal plates, and it would drive me CRAZY to hear that clanging all the time. It was fun to do a workout I am comfortable with. Of course, that enabled me to watch Molly Meth Head. This chick was in regular clothes and tennis shoes, clearly a regular bra (without any support), more tattoos than my family has, and she was just there to socialize with her friend...or maybe score some drugs. I don't know. I know she did every exercise wrong- and didn't try, and talked the entire time. Ugh!!! Plus, she cleaned up her weights during stretch time- and we all know how I feel about that ;)

It was so fun to workout with Bri and Dawn. I was proud to watch my friend work towards her certification, and see how others teach. Of course, the best part was bragging rights of "working out for 2 hours".

The Big Reveal...

So, last weekend was my first time seeing the bulk of my family since the weight loss journey began. Of course, many of my friends and family know that I am trying to lose weight because I annoy everyone with my constant updates :)

I was quite nervous about my trip. Would people feel obligated to say something, even if they didn't notice? Would anyone really see a change? Would people be disappointed in the lack of change? You can tell my mind was racing!

Of course, I was also facing MAJOR temptation. One of my favorite things about going home is the food. I have to have Pizza King, a Boilermaker and onion rings from Dog N Suds, a drink or 12 from the Custard, Don Pablo's. I also try to get my donuts, Arni's, cookies from O'Rears, and anything else I can fit in my belly. So, I packed a small cooler with granola bars and Spark. That helped with the temptation of the candy aisle at gas stations- especially Pilots and Flying Js with great selections and crushed ice!

My mom "noticed" my weight loss, but she's my mom. You know, the one who tells you you're beautiful even when you're a fat tubolard. My cousin, Arielle, commented on it. I don't know if she's following my journey or not, so that felt good.

Friday night I went out with a bunch of high school friends, and they all noticed. Of course, they're all reading this too, so they know about the journey. My friend, Bill, has lost 50+ pounds and we started the Advocare journey together. His wife lost 20, and is skinny!! So it was a big reveal for all of us. I am so proud of them!!

Even when having a family gathering on Saturday, the only people who mentioned the weight loss were the ones who knew about it. I'm not going to lie- that stung a bit. I was really hoping people would just notice. Honestly? I shed a few tears over that this weekend, because it was so flipping discouraging. My next goal is to make those people notice! So there.

I also really did well finding a balance between satisfying my cravings and not falling off the wagon. Yes, I had Dog N Suds and Pizza King (and paid for it), but I cut back on my portions. I skipped the donuts and O'Rears. I had a granola bar instead of a cinnamon roll, and drank water or Coke Zero. I allowed myself 2 flavored cokes from the Custard.

Of course, my cousins, Rainman, and I had the Igloo 32. It is 32 scoops of ice cream, loads of banana and toppings. We didn't even finish 8, but we had fun trying it ;)

I also worked out while I was home, but that is my next blog....or your bedtime story if you're Herbie or Dove!

Beautiful Monster

I may or may not be a few blogs behind, but I am sure going to catch up :)

Last week I had a very special visitor in Alabama. My 13 year old niece, Lauren, took her first airplane ride alone to fly to Birmingham. I told her to be sure to bring her workout clothes. If I only knew what I was creating...

Tuesday we went to boot camp and she was a superstar. She kept pace with the fastest person in class, Boy Kelly. She was apparently on his heels. I didn't observe because I was upstairs running fat people laps. Then, in an attempt to show my niece how uncoordinated I am, sHELLey breaks out the jump ropes. We do some ridiculous jump rope exercise/ relay race. It was a contest- to see who could jump the most in a minute. Lauren got 100. Aunt Jocelyn got....5.

So far so humiliating. We went on to be divided into teams (by ability) and had to run our tails off. So glad I could use all of my skills in one day. Melissa was on my team, along with my sweet sidekick, Brandy. Melissa spent her entire time hollering at Brandy and I to run, jump, go. Holy cow. I hope she got paid for that work.

Lauren LOVED it. She thought boot camp was amazing, and she started to change just a tiny bit.

That evening we went to Body Combat. It was my first time, and I was mortified. I felt like a giraffe in a straight-jacket wearing high heels. I don't know how to punch, kick or anything else. Thank goodness Kasie was there to help me out. She had to keep telling me to fix my feet and which arm to use. Lauren? She got it down. In fact, she was in love with it. She's already figured out where to buy gloves "just like Shelley's".

We also did Pump and Attack, and she enjoyed them both. She talked her mom into adding her to the gym membership so she could hit the Les Mills classes. She has started a new quote, "Portion Control". She says it about EVERYTHING.

Let's just say we've created a monster- Little Shelley, if you will. When I said she was a nazi the other day, she said, "No, I'm not. I'm a little Shelley."

Oooooh boy. The cool thing about being an aunt is that you can create a monster...and take them back to mom :)

7 days with no sHELLey makes one weak...

I sucked at working out this week. I missed Tuesday and Wednesday because I didn't feel well, and I was out of town for work on Thursday. Wow! However, the workouts I got in we're great!

Yesterday's boot camp was led by Melissa. Poor girl- she still doesn't know what to do with me. I mean, one of the exercises was called "prisoner squats". WHAT?! I asked around to see if Vaseline was required. I was hoping the next station didn't have "drop the soap".

I did have a couple of celebrations in class though. First, I ran one whole lap without stopping. 9 laps is a mile, but it still felt good to finally accomplish that! I also was able to keep up with my team (for the most part) on the exercises. Usually I'm way behind. Of course the "burpees" were the worst.

Today I tested out a new Body Attack instructor. Tiffany taught with Leslie, and I've only watched her teach. They were a hysterical duo. The truth is, I went in with a bad attitude and was NOT excited about being there. We did a new mix- and boy that didn't help. Of course, the ladies were SO energetic and cheerful, that they forced me into a better mood. I sure as heck got a work out.

Somehow I managed to miss my fearless leader ALL WEEK!!! If you know me, you know that I don't do change well. At all. I am sadly looking forward to Tuesday's boot camp so she can be my background voice. I did my part to replicate her yesterday when my teammates were doing crunches with their heels on the ground.

My niece, Lauren, is flying in on Monday. She's 13, so she is going to get some workouts in while she is here!! I'm so excited to have her visit, and then we head to corn country for the weekend!! It will be challenging to be home and be good. I will splurge, but not go crazy. I usually eat an entire pizza (large) by myself from Pizza King or Arni's. I'll have to get a Boilermaker from Dog N Suds, the Custard...yep- this is a true test ;)

Uh-oh! Someone Forgot Their Saddle...

Wow! What a week. It is honestly a miracle I can type. The truth is- if we had real finger muscles that could be isolated, those would hurt too. I have completed 2 Body Pumps, 1 Body Attack (my final one for the week is tomorrow), 2 Boot Camps, and a Step class this week. I've managed to discover new butt muscles, bruise my shins, smash my knee on a plate, turn my legs into mush, and probably lose another bra size!

I've had a blast!!!! That's the truth. I've whined, complained, and wanted to cry. Although I am sore, I feel great! I've lost almost 3 pounds this week and made some new friends ;)

Yesterday I did a double workout. At Attack in the morning, my usual space was kind of crowded. I didn't mind at all. My fearless leader, however, did. So she told me to move to the wide open space. Front. And. Center. I resisted, so she said the magic words, "I challenge you..." We all know I listened.

In the afternoon, I came back for Step. It has been a number of years since I stepped...like 8, maybe? I caught back on fairly quickly, but my legs just wouldn't cooperate. Finally I moved off of my step to the floor. I have a hard time moving on a flat surface, so my chance of a broken bone were increased on the step!


I even had to strip off my t- shirt. It was soaking wet with sweat, so I went down to my tank top. The SECOND class was over, I covered right back up. I was exhausted, and even fell asleep super early (I'm sorry, Celtics).

This morning's Boot Camp was all about making a good blog. First it was the bleeping-beep test. I tried to go Joel Osteen on it and claimed that I was going to do 40 beeps (last month I did 13). My legs hurt sooo bad, and I was really hoping to just meet my last month's score. So, I made 1,2,3,4,5,6 and decided I was almost halfway there. I talked my legs all the way to 18 beeps!!! I was so proud. I figured we were done running for the day. WRONG. We then went outside- in June- in Alabama. We got in teams of three and had to divide up 100 exercises (100 push-ups, 100 squats, 100 mountain climbers, 100 pukies...I mean, burpees). After we did 100, we ran half a mile. So I did manage to run a mile today. Wow! I'm so exhausted. I think I'll spend some quality time with Advil tonight and start shoe shopping this weekend.

Seriously. The working out is enjoyable, the weight loss is nice, but the people are AMAZING. In my job, I rarely see my colleagues to bond, I don't have a lot of close friends (the job helps with that too), my family lives almost 600 miles away, and the Rainman and I live 45 minutes apart. I've found a place where I feel accepted, and the best part is that I'm accepted for who I am. We are all different: short, tall, skinny, fat (well, we know who that is), white, black, beautiful, ugly, moms, grandmas, at risk of being the crazy cat lady, married, divorced...at 5:00 am, none of it matters. I adore this group of women (and boy Kelly). I can't imagine going back to a place without them. The support is unreal. We laugh, pick at each other, and talk about life. At the risk of sounding as mushy as my legs feel, I've finally found my CHEERS. Maybe I'm wrong, but I sure as heck hope not. GCC and my workout people rock- and I adore them- even when they push me, tell me to quit whining :), and ditch me all together on a Tuesday. I just want y'all to know how much I appreciate you!! <3

PS. Someone left their saddle on the stage outside.

I have a New Goal....

But if I tell it in the first sentence, who will keep reading?

My poor body is struggling to adjust to the 4:30 alarm clock. By last Friday afternoon, I had horrible black bags under my eyes. I often (okay, daily) come home and go back to sleep for a bit. I mean, it is 6:00 am. What else do you do? Then I'm exhausted. However, I know it takes more than a few days to develop a habit... So I'll totally figure it out ( and accept suggestions).

Great story... You know how I made fun of a million Body Pump people last week? So Friday I walk in and Freedom and Melanie are all matching in their black and grey outfits. I, of course, made fun of them UNTIL Freedom points out that I matched too! Oh no!!! I'm becoming one of "them" ;) Then she proceeds to put her weight-lifting gloves on, drink coffee... She was killing me!!! On purpose!! It was a hoot.

Look, if you're a weightlifting person or you do Body Pump, I think there should be a rule. If you're lifting as much or less than me, you CANNOT drop your bar. Honestly, even if you're lifting more than me- unless you are lifting a real amount of weight- set (sit?) your bar down. If y'all read about someone going postal in an Alabama gym...it will be me over the slamming of weights. It infuriates me!

Okay, so today was the first day of Boot Camp! We all know what this means- the mile run. This is my third round.
April time- 16:16
May time: 14:52
TODAY: 13:52 (yeah!)

I had so much support. Melissa, my Body Pump instructor, ran the second half of the mile with me. She pushed me to keep going while sHELLey screamed/cheered me on from across the parking lot. My camp mates met me towards the end to root me on. Folks, these people are my true jock straps. You can't get better support anywhere else.

I'm also proud to say I did 37 push-ups!!!

So, my original bet with my Dad was to lose 50 pounds by December. I then decided I wanted to reach 200, then 175. I figure why not go for 163 and lose 100 pounds?!?!? Of course, I am not trying to do this by December, but it is a goal. The Rainman and I will then both be in shape so we can go to Six Flags (without me puking on someone)!

I've also decided to have a boob-a-thon! Please prepare to pledge how much money you'd like to donate per pound I lose. All proceeds will go to my replacement chest parts ;) Not really on the boob-a-thon, but my best friend looked at me this weekend and said, "I hate to say it, but your boobs are shrinking." No kidding! Are you there, God? It's Me, Margaret!

J

Pump it Up!

I feel like I'm on day 1,000 of a 5 day workout. Sadly, I'm only on day 2. How pathetic is that?! So, no boot camp this week. Yesterday we got a special edition Body Attack (thank you, Tracy). I wore shorts. I don't ever wear shorts. Like- I don't even wear them to bed. One time a couple years back I did, and Rainman got really sick late at night. I rushed to his house in my pajamas, and he was shocked that I had shorts on. Anyway, attack is hot- so I thought I'd try shorts. Nope. First, the room had mirrors (torture for the fat girl). Then there was the problem of sweating and trying to do a push-up...I didn't know my knees sweat, but they sure do. Although the shorts were "Chafe proof", my legs aren't. We still have a risk of them rubbing together, combusting and burning the place down. Back to pants we go.

Today I started Body Pump.

Warning: if you aren't a boot camper, but you were in pump today...I might make fun of you in the next two paragraphs.

Body Pump is a weight lifting component. I'm glad to be adding it because I'd like to tone as I lose weight. It sort of felt like the body- building part of a beauty pageant. But before I make fun of people, let me tell you that Melanie is my new hero. She set my stuff up for me, coached me and helped throughout the class. I'm forever indebted to her.

So, some of these folks were serious with their fingerless gloves on, special bar cushions and what-not. Others were drinking COFFEE before class. What?! Who drinks coffee in a workout room? People who didn't sweat or muss their hair even a bit. Then we had the outfits. Oh yes- the matchie-matchy was in full swing this morning. I mean, I'd like for my stuff not to clash, and I lay it out the night before to allow 5 extra minutes of sleep...but when your sports bra matches your headband matches your shoes?! Odd.

I am so sore. My arms hurt and I spent the day like a velociraptor. It felt so much better to keep my arms huddled close to the body. My legs hurt, my back hurts, and my knees hurt. I might have done a bagillion squats. I can hardly sit and stand without looking like I'm nineteen months pregnant with quintuplets.

It's small steps. Literally. I was hoping to get down the stairs, then to reach for the steering wheel. 14 hours later, I'm hoping I can crawl into bed.

Tomorrow is another dose of Attack, followed by the final weigh-in and measurements. I'm so ready to get it over with. I had a salad for lunch, eggs with whole wheat toast for dinner. I ate watermelon because it is supposed to help with water weight. The only thing that I can do now is catch food poisoning. The tapeworm I bought is on back order.

I can't decide how to celebrate, but I'm thinking I might treat myself a little :) if anyone sees me passed out on Hwy 31 tomorrow, I've ransacked Fultondale Bakery.

Oh- and my blog wouldn't be mine if we didn't talk boobs. So- a word to you exercise folks out there. Please dress them appropriately. Don't underdress them so you get a black eye during high knees. Don't wear your favorite Victoria's Secret bra because it perks them up. We're working out. A sports bra is the way to go. Sure, I might overdo it with a sports bra and a tank with a built in bra, but I don't want to look like you people.

Finally, a blog secret for my readers. Don't tell anyone else this.... Ive missed sHELLey. I haven't had her fuss at me in over a week, and I'm sort of lost. In fact, if I gain weight tomorrow- we will all blame her ;) It will be nice to have her teaching me. I don't do change well, and I've tried 3 different teaches in a week!! I learn something different from all of them, but you also respond differently to them. Sssssshhhhh!

And yet Another Challenge...

Happy Memorial Day weekend! This week I wrapped up my second month of Boot Camp. I am feeling so accomplished to know that NOW I've done 8 weeks of this challenging workout. I'm working out at least 3 times a week (well, I was...more on that story in a minute).

Freedom was teaching her video Body Attack this week, and I was able to go since I was off of work. I brought a friend with me. Plus, two fit young guys (kids) came and did it with us. All three were exhausted and commented how difficult it was!! These are folks who are in shape and workout. That was so cool for me, because I can hang!!!

So...we don't have boot camp this week and I asked Shelley what I should do instead. This is where her next challenge comes in. Instead of my 3 workouts per week- I will now be doing SIX! That's double!! This week I will do Body Attack on Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday, Body Pump on Wednesday and Friday, and next week I add a Monday workout back in. Can you believe I will be getting up at 5 am on 5 days a week? Me neither. This is the girl who would do just about anything for an extra minute of sleep (no make-up, wet hair, skip breakfast, iron the night before). What have I gotten myself into?

I'm (fortunately) back to losing weight, and am quickly approaching the 30 pound mark. Now if someone would notice!!! I guess it is because I started so heavy, but you really can't tell that I'm losing.

Mentally I've changed the most. Last night we went to Legends in Florence to eat. I used to drink 3-4 glasses of their fruit tea and buy a gallon to go. However, I drank one glass and switched to water. We went to a chicken stew yesterday with lots of yummy desserts- and I maintained control and didn't stick my face in the graduation cake :) I still crave desserts, but not the 3299 calorie apple dumpling at Cracker Barrel. I mostly want food- cereal, chicken tenders, pancakes, Mac and cheese, casseroles, cheeseburgers. I could care less about candy and chocolate, but wouldn't mind a fountain Pepsi or sweet tea.

Then there is the boob problem. I'm obsessed with them. Why? Sadly, mine have been put on the endangered species list. They are going, going...I buy dresses now that are HUGE in the top and fit perfect from the waist down. It is almost comical. I bet I think about boobs more than a fifteen year old boy. Im rather heartbroken over all of it. I wish my thighs or my gut would disappear this quickly.

As you can see, my mind has been in a million directions this week. Maybe I'll survive my million workout march to tell you about it...

WAIT! I have to tell you about my friend, Sara. I've known her for probably 20 years. She's gorgeous, successful, happily married, beautiful kids... Amazing. Anyway, she has always been fit and stays in shape. Today she really did something awesome. Her husband (who was my boyfriend in 4th grade and looks eerily like Carson Daily) runs marathons. He's done Chicago, New York, he DOES marathons. So today, SARA ran the Ottawa Marathon. She kicked its butt!! She ran it in just over 4 hours. I'm so in awe of her- she's a mom, juggles a job, 3 kids, their sports, a busy husband. She found time- MADE time- to train to run 26.2 miles. It amazes me and makes me so proud. Damon did the marathon in like 3.5 hours-ish. They're so cool. Inspiring. Amazing. If a mom that works full-time, has 3 kids and a Damon can train for a marathon, then I can surely train to be a better runner. She ran for over 4 hours!!!! Plus, she probably has great boobs ;) Wow. Thanks, Cahills, for really inspiring me.

Your next challenge is...

Those were the words coming out of Shelley's mouth just over a week ago. We had finished Body Attack (I lived) and were all chatting after class. I don't know if people realize just how terrifying these words can be! Thus far I've accepted every challenge but one, and that's because I'm still hoping to have a kid someday ;)

Body Attack provides three different option levels to workout. I, as if it isn't obvious, use the low impact options. Well, I USED them. That was her challenge. She wanted me to try the other options at least once each. Apparently she forgot that when creating Friday's Boot Camp. After about 3 minutes of Attack, my legs felt like they were going to fall off.

I would be the perfect cult member. In fact, my mom has a cousin in prison for being a Manson follower. Should I admit that? Oh well, we follow directions in this family :) At any rate, I didn't want to disappoint her. I tried every single option. I supermanned, shuffled, mamboed, flicked, super jacked, jump squatted... You name it.

I'll admit that I found a secret inspiration on Saturday, but confessing it will send me to hell. Let's just say that I pushed myself a wee bit harder.

I was dripping with sweat! My 75 tops were wet, my headband (picture skinny and worn as a headband) was soaked. I really decided I might have to start wearing a tank top. I mean, I wear a tank top, and a sports bra, and a t-shirt- but perhaps I'll trade the shirt in for another tank?!

I also almost talked myself into shorts. ALMOST. I looked at shorts and even bought a few pair of XXL. Puh-lease. Exercise clothes have a different size chart.
XS= size 1-2
S= size 3-4
M= size 5-6
L= 7-8
XL= 9-10
XXL= 10 1/2

Trust me. No shorts for the girl shrinking out of a 20. So I've given up on shorts. My only option is to buy dude shorts, and then I would look like a dude. Seriously.

I guess I'll stick to fat people workout clothes. However, if anyone is looking to start a product line, I suggest fat people exercise clothes.

Tomorrow at Boot Camp is a weigh day. I'm hoping to have lost a couple. I know where it is missing from. The poor girls are shrinking by the day. I'm less worried about tube socks with marbles and more worried about anklets with a seed. The Rainman says I'll be glad in 10 years when I don't have to get a reduction.

Oh- and my food cravings are changing, but we can talk about that later. Some of us have Boot Camp in 7.5 hours.

J

Caution: Relays Ahead

Let me tell you, this has been the hardest week of working out and dieting since I started in March. It might be the lack of weight loss, or it might be that I'm just feeling tired and lazy. I don't know, but it has sucked!

I honestly didn't want to go to boot camp on Tuesday. I sure didn't want to weigh, my stomach hurt, but I knew I had to go. This is what sucks about being the oldest child-- always a sense of responsibility! So, it is time to weigh, and would you believe that Shelley came with me?! She never does. However it really paid off. Of course I had gained half a pound, but I did get some time to talk to her about my frustrations and get some new ideas from her. I even got a little pep talk ;)

I might as well confess that my diet was horrible this week. I ate a few French fries, had a cupcake (only 202 calories), macaroni and cheese, pasta and breadsticks at Olive Garden and nachos... but enough about lunch. ;) Okay so those really were spread over a few days, but I indulged more than I should. I felt horrible after my indulgences- even the cupcake made me feel so bad, but I think my body needed a little bit of it. I have been true to my promise of NO SODA! I've only had water and Spark all week :)

So, I wanted to skip boot camp on Tuesday, missed Attack yesterday (I was out of town for work), and nearly talked myself out of boot camp this morning. I mean, everyone misses a day, right? I was snotty, nauseous, and worked 19 hours Wednesday and 12 yesterday. Tired was an understatement. I, purely out of wanting to not disappoint my cult leader, somehow made it to the gym....only to see clear signs of relays ahead. What else would 1,000,000 orange cones mean?!

Sherlock got this one right. We took about 10 hours dividing into teams the way she told us...4 teams of 5 (that's rocket science at 5:15 in the morning), and of course we had to start by hopping on one foot. 240 pounds barely moves on 2 feet, let alone by hopping on one. Oh- and we had to jump over a cone. My team was last because... well, I'm not Peter Cottontail. Then we had to do exercises in between the relays, go run two laps (fat girls run one), and start on the second round. Did I mention that burpees and star jumps were included in the price of the relays? My face was the color of blood, my stomach hurt worse, and I was so mad that I already used "Clean-up on Aisle 6" as a blog title. I mean, if I puke- what will I call that blog?

Finally, we combined into two team and had to zig-zag around the cones running down and back. My team lost again, I was the proverbial fat kid that everyone watched finish, but I finished. We did a few more exercises and were done.

No matter how much I don't want to go exercise, I'm always glad I do. It makes me feel better about myself, the people
are so supportive, and I love it when Freedom does the special cheer.

Here's the best part about working out...I don't snore anymore. I've snored for so long and so loud. I snored when I weighed less than 200 pounds- working out is the key. That is totally worth it!!

Land softly...

Yes, I know I haven't blogged in nearly a week. Would you believe I heard about that from two people? My mom and Shelley. Hysterical duo, if you ask me.

I've worked the past two weeks in Montgomery. Well, most of the time. It has taken me off my game quite a bit. Apparently my blogs have suffered as badly as my apartment, my dog, and the boy (who has had to care for my dog).

I was so excited for last Friday's boot camp. I bought a new T-shirt to wear- it was my response to all of Shelley's shirts. It says, "I will be alive after this for this shit is making me stronger, so bring it." I saw it on Pinterest and had to have it. Soooo, I walk in. And guess who isn't there? Ugh. I wore my new shirt for this?!?

However, Melissa was, and she was ready to bring it. We had to do sets of 3 exercises (10 of each to start), go upstairs, run a lap, come down, do the next set of 3 exercises, run upstairs...do you get the drift?!

The poor girl just doesn't know how to deal with me. At one point I was stressing about all the "jumpy" exercises and she told me to land softly. I had to explain to her that 240 doesn't exactly land softly. It's like asking a rhino to land softly or a bull to be a ballerina in a china shop. Not happening.

I guess most of it is mental. I mean, my knees hurt a lot after working out, and I need to learn to be more graceful. It's going to take a long time for that to happen. I almost wish we had a video camera to show you how funny i look doing some of these exercises...

Can we talk for a minute about how sucky the body changes are with this weight loss and exercise? First, my girls are reverting. It is so sad. I lie down and so do they. I look towards my stomach, and my boobs have disappeared. I'm not sure if they are seeking warmth under my armpits or if they are just tired, but I am so sad to watch them leave. One day I will wake up and find all that remains are tube socks with marbles in the bottom of them.

You know what is worse? Ok, maybe nothing, but a close second is the fact that my stomach isn't going away. My legs are changing a little, but you'd think that after 23 pounds, at least one of them would be from my gut- NOPE! Some women are pear shaped, some are lean and tall like a banana, I'm turning into an orange with legs. Ugh.

This is the stuff that's discouraging. Combine it with 2 months of eating less than 1280 calories a day- and I'm frustrated. I've plateaued some and haven't lost a pound in over a week. I monitor my calories closely, barely eat any cheat food (read: no birthday cake), haven't had a sweet tea or real soda in months, and exercise at least 3 times a week. I know this happens to everyone, but tomorrow is scale day at the gym. I think they would frown on me showing up nekkid to weigh...that, my friends, would not be good for business.

I guess I'll keep trucking and not get discouraged- though I really want to make rice krispy treats with Lucky Charms...I'll practice landing softly and when I become graceful, y'all better watch out. Grab a warm coat because hell will freeze over.

PS. If you know any good boob exercises, let me know ;)

J

Clean up on Aisle 6

When I was in the seventh grade, my math teacher came into my 7th period class to announce he had created a homework assignment. I was so mad, and I organized my classmates to have a sit-in outside of his classroom. We all sat in front of his door (blocking his class from coming out), and refused to leave until he cancelled the homework. That, my friends, was my first experience organizing people around an issue.

20 some years later, I organize folks around issues for a living (or try). I sure was waiting for my chance to issue organize this morning during boot camp.

We did the usual running time, and today Shelley informed me that she would come chase me if I didn't run. I told her that was dumb because she would pass me pretty quick :) However, I did alternate running a lap and walking a lap during this time.

Our theme for today was "relays". Relays. Really?!?! Surely she didn't think we'd run relays for the rest of class, did she?

We first had to run to the other end and do 10 push-ups, run back and do 10 more...then run down and do 9 push-ups. Do you see the pattern? All the way to one on each end. I was dying after one round, and I started to look around. Who else was ready to revolt? Ok, clearly it wasn't Freedom, because she was my personal cheerleader.

My face was so red, my eyes were full of tears, I was nauseous, mad, sore and out of breath. I looked around again. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Would you believe these people were laughing and having fun? They were smiling. I couldn't look anyone in the eye because the floodgates would open. I couldn't find my bottle of water. Would someone just put me out of my misery?

We moved on to sidesteps or something and squats. We did basketball jumps. We ran backwards, high knee marches. I'm still looking for someone else who looks half as miserable as me. Do I need water? YES! Can I have it? NO. Why? We would need a clean-up on Aisle 6. I would've barfed right then and there. So I just thought about how pained my legs would be later, and listened to Freedom's faith in me. Thank goodness she had it, because I would've quit in a heartbeat.

Rumor has it that today's boot camp is not even close to the toughest. I can't imagine a greater challenge. I just hope I can walk tomorrow.

Any worse and I will puke. Clean up?!

Well, Clearly Jack-lyn Isn't the Teacher's Pet

I know, I know...I've been without a blog in nearly a week. I actually wrote one last weekend, and it has disappeared off the face of the earth (or blogspot, which is nearly as annoying). So, I tried to post it while in Montgomery from my phone and it just showed the title. That was all that remained. UGH!

I also received a brief "talking to" from a colleague who told me my blog is full of a grammatical errors. So, let this be the warning that if you are here to look for perfection in ANY way- size, shape, or commas- good luck. It won't be found. That did, however, make me incredibly self-conscious about over comma-ing and under quoting. As Lady Chablis would say, "Two Tears in a Bucket..." (If you know who Lady Chablis is, you know the rest of this quote. If you don't- how dare you not know the story of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil).

I've finished day 2 of my second round of boot camp, and apparently I lied in my last published blog. I actually only went 8 TIMES, not 8 weeks. It felt like 8 weeks, but well...it hasn't been. Oops. I am proud to announce that on our original timed mile in April, I did it in 16:16. This month I came in at 14:52. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I am not even close to where I want to be with running, hell jogging, but I am doing a little bit better. My push-ups increased to 20, which means my upper body is getting stronger.

It feels so good to be in my second round of boot camp. I see areas where I am improving and the areas where I need to continue to work, and maybe even focus. One area that I love (odd, I know) is the hover test. Last month I lasted 45 seconds, and today I did 1:57. My beep test isn't much better, I did 13 beeps instead of 12. So, that tells me that I MUST focus on running. Shelley has given me some pointers, and as you know, she continues to push me to run (NOT WALK). I think my brain is used too much while at boot camp and I wish I could stop that. I need to push myself to run more and walk less. I'm scared to. I worry that I'll hurt myself or my kneecap will fall off or something.

This morning, sHELLey, was in rare form. I won't say if that is a good thing or a bad thing :) At any rate, we were in stations focusing on different parts of the body and my group started at Core. We were doing bicycles, scissors, and walking plank. We kept getting confused, and poor Jennifer (my friend who has started boot camp with us- YEAH!) was getting so confused. Anyway, we got in trouble a million times for not following directions (oops), and at one point, SHE came over and was yelling, "Butt down, Jacklyn!" over and over. Clearly I wasn't listening because my name is JOCELYN. She finally realized what happened and we all got a good laugh out of it, and then the joke became that I clearly am not the teacher's pet.

So anyway, our group is doing a 30 day Arbonne challenge. I'm signed up for it, but I suck already. We got our weight, body fat and measurements done on Tuesday. It comes along with a pretty strict diet and a great workout routine. Although I am a HUGE supporter of Advocare, and now a distributor, I thought I would check out a couple of the products to see if they make a difference. I decided not to sign up for the whole she-bang for a few reasons. At any rate, my fellow dieters are really working hard. I, however, have been out of town. You can't exactly get free range chicken at the average restaurant on a very short lunch break. I've been sticking to the diet I followed for my Advocare 24 day challenge to get me through. I'm hoping that when I get through this out of town part of work, I can really try this challenge and see how I do. It is so funny to watch everyone- they're all dying for Almond Butter. If you're looking for a side gig- go stock up on Almond Butter, stand outside of the GCC and sell it. Seriously. You'll be RICH!

The COOLEST thing happened to me last Saturday at the Body Attack class. This lady named Carol, 62 years old and in shape, comes up and hugs me. She tells me that she loves the blog and that I inspire HER. REALLY?! She's 62 and doing Body Attack. She's amazing. It made me feel so incredible to have that talk with her. I still marvel at how I can inspire anyone, but it meant so much. I watched her throughout class and thought about how impressed I was with her get up and go...but I inspire her. Awesome.

Body Attack last weekend was way cool. It was my first time with Tiffany as a teacher, and if you've never had her- check her out! She is like Tigger- so full of energy and just ready to go. I think her nickname will be SNICKERS because after one little tidbit- you've got the energy you need.

Anyway...tonight is date night and I've got to get ready...
j

Welcome to the Jungle, Baby....You're Going to DIE!

First, let me say thank you to all of the amazing kind words that I have received in the past two days. Seriously- I will never be able to put into words what the messages, texts, and facebook posts meant to me but I am smiling today! It is almost like I could feel all of those words, prayers, and long distance hugs surrounding me and lifting me out of my sadness. I surely hope you will keep them coming, because like everything, there is an ebb and flow, and I don't want to go back under.

My Uncle Fred commented on facebook that Shelley must be my guardian angel. I'm not exactly sure about that. She keeps trying to kill me. I think I must've been a cat in my previous life and got ripped off the extra eight lives or something. This morning is further proof of her desire to end my life in a slow and painful manner.

But before I tell you all about it, let me celebrate that today ended my FIRST ROUND OF BOOT CAMP! I totally survived. I may have some bumps and bruises, but I. DID. IT. It is such an amazing feeling to know that for eight weeks I set my alarm for 4:30, got out of the bed, and worked out. I cannot believe it. I may not ever believe it. In fact, when my friend and I decide who will drive, I always say, "See you at 5:45!" She has to correct me, I think my mind refuses to acknowledge how early it truly is.

Sooooo...remember those kind words I said about Shelley in my last blog? Well, shortly after it posted, she texted me. It was a promise to "show me her kind of bear hug" and to be ready for "all things animal". I still couldn't imagine her actually hugging me, so I knew I was totally screwed. She started our morning (post mile walk/run) with a song about Noah and his animals. It was accompanied by a maniacal laugh that was kind of scary.

We were divided into teams of three and assigned to stations where we would show our love to the animals. Maybe we had to do the confused bear crawl, duck walk, or the camel walk. Oh- there was a mule kick, donkey kick, kangaroo hop, downward dog, sea turtle swim, dolphin something and the butterfly crunch. None of these should ever be done without the presence of an expert. They also shouldn't be done in public, on hallucinogenic drugs, alcohol or ever again. Sadly, I've left the worst of the station exercises for absolute last....this was the snake something. It involved putting your lower arms on a towel and scoot your fat@ss (in my case) across the gym floor with your feet...basically a barrel race with yourself. It was so painful. They all were, but this snake thing was miserable. Oh- and the alligator push-up was almost as bad. Essentially you walk down the gym in a push-up position moving right arm/left leg and then alternating. My brain had a worse time than my body. Please just get on the floor and try this. Just once. At least there wasn't a jump rope in the room.

Here are some of sHELLey's comments from today:
-This will definately make for your best blog yet (followed by crazy laugh)
- I said I wanted you to be a sea turtle, not a beached sea turtle (I told her I was going for a beached whale)
- So, what DID you eat at The Varsity yesterday?


I've told you all of this and I want those of you who REALLY know me to think about how much my hands and face had to be close to the floor and (worse) in direct contact with the floor. Do you know there is people hair on the floor? So, in addition to trying to figure out the moves and not dying, I had to try not to get some strange person's hair on me. I would have puked. For those of you who don't really know me, I have a HUGE fear of people hair. My sister has really long hair and it is beautiful to everyone...but it creeps me out. My Christina used to have long hair and I'd make her pull it back to come in my kitchen. I had a house with a jetted tub and someone told me hair could come out the jets- so I wouldn't use it. I really hate hair. I tried to explain to sHELLey that there was hair on the floor and she told me there would also be my sweat and tears on the floor. Apparently she had no sympathy.

So finally she announced the magic word, "STOP!" I thought it was that time. We were done, the end had arrived. I waited for everyone to high-five, celebrate, roll out the cake, we were finished....or not. We had to do a caterpillar race. Do you know this? Basically, you sit on the floor one behind the other. The first person runs down the gym, comes back, puts his/her hand between his/her legs, holds hands with the next person and they run down together. This continues until the whole group is one big long line, connected by sweaty hands in sweaty crotches. If your chain breaks- you do ten push-ups. We had an odd number of people and someone was kind enough to volunteer to sit out...but she wasn't having that. My team, even having to do ten push-ups narrowly got second place. We were nearly the champs!!

We were officially finished. No cakes, no high-fives. I guess that's because we will all be back next Tuesday for more. Round two starts May 1. If you're in the area, you should totally join us. I mean, if I can get up at 4:30- why can't you?

When the walls come crumbling down....

I'm not exactly sure that this will be my "usual" blog. However, it is what's on my heart- so this is what you get :) I suffer from severe anxiety disorder. Usually, I am able to control it with small techniques and daily medication. However, there are certain triggers and moments in life that really take charge of me and this has been one of those weeks.

I am a widow. Ten years ago on Cinco de Mayo, my high school sweetheart and husband, took a gun and used it to take his own life. He suffered from Bi-Polar disorder. We dated off and on for 10 years before ending up together and marrying. I thought that we could conquer this illness and the challenges that it brought us. Sadly, we couldn't. We were best friends, but the disorder was so much more powerful than either of us and we were drowning, our marriage was horrible. I certainly didn't love Jake any less, but I didn't know how we would make it another day. He didn't either. We separated and he moved into a hotel, which is where he died. I've never dealt with anything so painful in my whole life. My first tattoo came the year after his death and my first real weight loss victory. This story is so much longer- and I am thankful that I was able to overcome it.

This weekend I experienced a personal battle that somehow managed to combine with my loss of Jake, I'm not really sure how, and it crippled me. I returned from a trip with friends to Atlanta and literally wanted my dog, my bed and a stack of books. I turned down my personal cell phone and tried to disappear. I, for a very bizarre reason, made Shelley and Tracy an initial contact when I got upset this weekend and asked them not to let me fall back into my old habits- depressed eating and not exercising. Monday morning, I couldn't get out of the bed. As disgusting as it is, I didn't shower from Saturday until late Monday afternoon. (I did, however, brush my teeth!!!!). I left my work cell phone on and Tracy texted me to check on me.

I managed to get out of bed on Tuesday morning for Boot Camp...I had this horrible fear that sHELLey would find me and drag me out of my bed by my feet. I'd had one meal since Saturday night (and it made me nauseous), so I was NOT looking forward to expelling the energy I didn't have.

I was so thankful to see ZERO jump ropes in the gym. I did buy one, and I did practice on Friday night...and I still suck! We had mats, pancake weights (no syrup), and those exercise band thingies. I will be honest, I was not given 100% for the first part. Heck, I didn't give 100% for at all. We had to do our 15 minute walk/run and I was determined not to run. Honestly. I thought about going to sit in the car. I did not want to run. I didn't want to walk, but I just wanted to play bloody knuckles with the brick wall, walk, and pout. Ha!! If you know HER, you know that didn't happen. She let me walk a few times, but then she said, "Hey! I want to see you running." UGH. She walked over to where I was and I told her I didn't have the energy, that I couldn't do it. She essentially told me I could lay in it and wallow or suck it up and move. (I'm sure she sounded nicer than that). So, I cried. I cried that I didn't want to run, but I ran. I ran half a lap and walked half a lap. I am so glad that I did. I am so thankful that Shelley pushed me when I needed it.

Shelley pushed us all for the rest of class. We did biceps, triceps, abs and legs. Haha- we did this lovely tricep dips on the benches. It freaked me out completely. I was scared to death that the pancake weight was going to fall off of my lap and onto my feet. I have NO clue how much it weighed because it was 5kg and I don't speak kilograms...I speak pounds. So, that cut into my dipping ability.

Shelley was so supportive in her own way. I totally don't see her being the "here's a bear hug" kind of gal- she shows she cares by pushing you and checking on you in her own way. She did text me to tell me that she was proud of me for coming to boot camp- which meant the world to me.

The other funny thing is that so many strangers spoke to me at Boot Camp on Tuesday- it was like they were all planted to do it, but I know they weren't. It was cool. I also thank Carol for her story. She knows what it is :)

The truth is that I went home and went back to bed. I was so nauseous and my head was killing me, but I made it to work for half a day. Today I made it a whole day. I've never been crippled with my anxiety like this, and I know I can get through it. I do want to ask that you all continue to pray for me as I get stronger and face these personal challenges. I am thankful for all of you at the GCC- especially Shelley and Tracy!

I certainly hope that Friday's Boot Camp blog will be full of puppies, kittens, sunshine and rainbows. I'm visiting Body Attack on Saturday since I have to miss tomorrow for a field trip with third graders to Atlanta (see...I told you I needed prayers) ;)

Thanks....
j

If you don't faint, puke or die....keep walking.

Are you there God? It's me Jocelyn,

The title was written on sHELLey's shirt this morning. I'm pretty sure that is a sign as clear as death metal. Perhaps I should've turned around to leave....maybe that's why I woke up sick to my stomach. I don't know, God, is this why some people come to boot camp late or even decide to skip?

I tried to walk really really fast during that "15" minute walk thing, but she could see me and told me to run one lap, walk a lap or run 1/2, walk 1/2. So, I did. I mean, you know I'm a rule follower. It hurt so bad. Maybe I asked her if she'd pick my knees up off the floor, but I wasn't really being a smart-aleck...okay, perhaps just a little.

She also told us that 21 was a lucky number. I'm pretty sure that lying breaks a commandment. I can't tell you which one, but it is numbered somewhere between 1 and 10. She was lying- for real. We had to do 21 push-ups and then 21 sit-ups...then 20 of each, then 19, 18, 17, do you feel me? I made it to 15 of each before half the class was done and we could quit. (Shout-out to those people who were so fast- I love you like a fat kid loves cake.)

I thought we were done with 21, and honestly, I was ready to do a 21 gun salute....well, shots- into my mouth and I don't drink. We so weren't. We had to divide into teams and do a list of torturous exercises. I did get to sing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes", but it didn't sound good because I was moaning from the jumping jacks, jumping squats, rumpshakers (they're really called bootstrappers, but whatever), and I can't even tell you what else. Oh wait. Yes I can. We had to do this horrible thing where we started in a hover and then get up to a plank...while keeping our core in line. I kind of did it, but not so well.

From here it only got worse. I know you are asking how that is possible, but perhaps you've never seen a fat girl and a jump rope? We had to jump rope 21 times and "run" to the other end, then jump rope again 21 more times. I promise there were more exercises after that, but I don't know what they were. I am scarred from jump rope attempts. My psychiatrist says I might have PTSD. I tried to jump rope with one foot at a time, and my foot kept getting stuck in my pants. I tried to jump rope with two feet at a time, and my shoe kept getting stuck on the rope. I'm sorry because I broke a commandment too, Lord. I lied. I didn't come close to 21 jump ropes on either end, but I was so mortified and worried that I would fall on my face and break my nose that I quit too soon. To make up for it, I bought a jump rope tonight and I promise to practice. Maybe if sHELLey would add Chinese Jump roping into class, I could school everyone. I know how to do it- even froggy style...in, out, side by side, on, in, out. I can do clappies, snappies, this could be my event!! Fortunately, this ended my misery for the day.

Of course, the most valuable lesson (besides don't try to jump rope) is to not wear high heels after boot camp. My legs hurt so bad. I might cut one off with a butter knife.

I sure hope you'll forgive my breaking of the commandment, and that you've heard my prayer.

Jocelyn

So...What Time is Adult Swim?

Oh boy, am I glad today is over! Let me just say that today- separate from Body Attack- was a day that only can be summed up by Bill Murray in Groundhog's Day. INSANITY.

I had one of my worst night's of sleep since I started working out (perhaps it was because I had spaghetti last night...for the first time in like 2 months?) and tossed and turned and looked at the clock. I'd like to say it was eagerness for class, but it was more of a desire to sleep. The alarm went off...Tank (the amazing dog) rolled back over to sleep and I started the routine: get dressed, wash face, brush teeth, force Tank awake, drag her outside. I grabbed my keys and my phone and headed out the door. In. Flip. Flops. Shiitake Mushrooms- these shoes won't work. I put on my socks and shoes and head back out...start to pull out of my parking space and something feels off. I forgot my water. Rush back to the apartment. It's UNLOCKED. What the crap?! I mean, the odds of someone breaking in my apartment at five in the morning are slim to none. The only people awake are people exercising and the biscuit makers.

Apparently, I missed the memo that today's session included a pre-prom workout. Seriously. We had 49 people in class and the average age of the worker outers was like 15. I was not the oldest person in the room, and I sure as SHELL wasn't the youngest. I kept wondering what time adult swim started. I was getting run over by Skipper and all of her friends that fit in the Barbie car...or maybe on the Barbie moped. We did the fun little run in a circle thing and the teeny bobbers kept running into me. It might've been my Justin Bieber t-shirt, but I'm not sure.

We had a different instructor today. Body Attack has three teachers, and this time, Tracy took the place of Freedom. Now, remember that Tracy was my model last week and hence earned the title of as loved as Zoe's Chocolate Chip Cookie. This week she was a big cheese and teaching from the front. This was great news for her- she did great. I did HORRIBLE. I kept mixing up my feet, forgetting the steps, basically I looked like an octopus with her tentacles all tied in knots. I'm very sorry for anyone who was behind me and tried to watch me. Actually. I lied. Im not- at least you got some humor out of it all. OH- and there was a video camera in front of me. It wasn't like it was pointed in my direction, but it was still too close. I was worried I would run into it or trip on it somehow. (Yes- if you know me, I trip on flat surfaces).

Of course, my reliable Shelley was also teaching. She is as loved as Zoe's Chocolate Cake for taking the time and effort to work with me (and not giving up or getting visibly frustrated). I mean, yes, I realize this is what she gets paid to do, but I think she goes above and beyond.

Speaking of...can we talk about something a little awkward? Well, can I? I often worry that if I work out toooooooo much, I might lose my boobs. I mean, I know that sounds stupid. If it does, you didn't deal with Jamie Smyth and gang calling you "sunken treasure chest" in middle school. So getting fat and getting boobs was pretty bonus. I mean, I wouldn't mind a nice reduction without surgery, but traditionally fit women are also flat chested. I am thankful that my instructors chose to wear tank tops today that showed that fit people can have boobs too. The ladies at the office and I have been discussing this for about a week, so they were glad that I received reassurance this morning. Random, I know. If they show up tomorrow in bulky sweatshirts, I've clearly made them uncomfortable. SORRY.

The third instructor is this adorable gal named Krystal. She's such a cutie! She is major high energy and makes you want to jump as high as you can even though that is only a 1/100000000 of an inch off the floor. She is also a doll for being welcoming to me and making me feel like part of the GCC family. Tonight she gets a name from me because I now adore her as much as....well, something that I really like and something that is super sweet. Krystal is a cake donut....not just any cake donut- she's from Fultondale Bakery. Holla!!!

At any rate, I survived Body Attack. I am thankful for my friend, Kristen, for getting me there and keeping me there. She constantly encourages me during class, which is awesome. Also- this lady (whom I don't know) came up to pat me on the back after class and tell me I did a good job. I want to think she was being sweet...maybe she reads the blog. However, there is this tiny part of me that is like, "Did she think the fat girl was going to die during class?" I never know how to respond. Fortunately I am lacking wit at 6 am, so I don't end up being a smartarse.

So anyway....I know this has been so random and off the wall and hardly about Body Attack but it is almost too much fun to poke fun at. I end up- because today is apparently my Groundhog's Day- trying to get down 280 (which should've taken 15 minutes) to meet a member. It takes me an hour. Seriously. So, I'm 40 minutes late for my appointment and she has her 2 year old with her. Oops. He would've been great had he not had to sit in a booth at the DQ for 2 hours :( Her phone died so I lend him mine- he didn't want MY angry birds, but he did watch tractor videos and spit on the phone. He also played with my car keys. I get ready leave and can't drive off because my trunk is open- with my laptop in it. Yep- the kid popped my trunk. Holy smokes.

Oh well. I survived the day, but I still don't know when Adult Swim starts. And I wasn't wearing a Justin Beiber t-shirt.

The Day from Shell....

I'm just guessing here, but when you walk into boot camp and hear death metal- it isn't going to be a fun day. Well, that is what happened on Tuesday- or what we will call "the day from sHELL".

My body is having a hard time adjusting to working out 2-3 times a week and then going 3 days without a workout. So, Tuesday felt "off" to start. I was so tired, I was achy, and I didn't have a pep in my step (haha- as if I ever do at fo-fo-fi in the morning). At any rate, we arrived at boot camp to hear Five Finger Death Punch or something playing songs about pain, death, and probably mass murders. I'd tell you for sure, but I couldn't understand a single word of the screaming music.

We started with ten minutes of running. I walked. I still can't quite get to a running point yet. Honestly- I tried to jog and felt like I was going to explode. My legs hurt SO bad. It's like 250 pounds were crashing down on my knees or something. Hmmm. So, I walked really fast. My goal was to stay at least 1/2 a lap ahead of the geriatrics who were walking, and I did it! Yeah me!! Of course, I was lapped by my classmates (who aren't geriatric), but the nursing home group stayed at least 1/2 a lap behind me. I'm counting that as success. Also, it looks like my mile is going to beat my previous time of 16 minutes. Holla!

After our 10 minutes, sHELLey announced that she hadn't had a great past few days. Duh. I mean, really? Death metal is never a sign of joy and happiness. So- we were glad to work it out for her. We spread into our little squares and she divided up the terrific trio (these are 3 friends who are all soooo fit and she always separates them. I don't know why, but I do know one of them is Freedom...). We didn't some seriously torturous exercises back to back for 30 seconds each: mountain climbers, push-ups, jumping jacks, jumping squats, lunges, planks, hovers, and the soulja boy because we did superman that h, and who knows what else. Supposedly we then went to 25 seconds on each exercise, but I know she was lying. I am going to have to get an exercise watch. I think we went to 55 seconds each. I was sweating so bad and well, Chinese Water Torture has nothing on these exercises. If this was an infomercial, I would tell you- BUT WAIT- THAT's NOT ALL!

Then we were lined up and did exercises and had to exercise, then jog, then exercise, and on and on. I remember that one exercise is the "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" one only because I sang the song while people did it. I jogged in place while others jogged around the room and smiled and laughed. I was crying on the inside. BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!!!

Then we did the DKL. This is what my favoritest principal in the world, Keith, did with students when they misbehaved. The invisible chair. Yes indeed. We all lined up and sat against the wall in the invisible chair while one person did crunches, then they had to run to the other wall, then the next person did crunches (hello domino?). Before your crunches and after, you were in the invisible chair. If you've never done this, get off your butt now. Go to the wall, and slide down until it is like you're in a chair- without one. Sit there for about 4 minutes and then tell me how you feel. IT SUCKS. It's sHELLacious.

My legs still hurt today, I was visiting a school and for real prayed that they had close parking so I didn't have to walk up a hill. I took my dog for a walk tonight and thought my legs might fall off. If I have one leg at Attack tomorrow, it isn't my fault.

Holy crap. I almost forgot to tell you about the end of class. That would have been a travesty. So...then we do isometrics? Anyway, we had to try to do a plank and lift a leg and an arm and holy moly. I looked like a grasshopper when you rip its legs off. It was so funny...maybe even funnier than the praise Jesus exercise we do. If I were the teacher, I'd totally plant a hidden camera in their and sell that stuff to a tv network.

So- that was our day from sHELL. I think we are like 1/2 done. AND...I finished my 24 day cleanse today. HOLLA! I thought I had more time, but I am so not complaining. Tomorrow is my Reese Cup day. I'm stoked. I can now eat everything (in moderation) and watch my calories.

Tomorrow morning is Body Attack and my apartment hopes it provides me as much energy as last week so I will clean again :) I hope so too- I like a clean apartment ;)