So, today was the Warrior Dash. Let me be clear- no blog, no pictures, no stories or bruises can do it justice. This is one bad mamba jamba.
I'm going to try to tell y'all all about it, but I might get tired and have to do stages or something. Ugh.
A. Doing the Warrior Dash was so not my idea. Although we can't find the original source of peer pressurers, we're pretty sure their names are Catol and Rachel.
B. we had great plans of training for this event. We were going to the rock climbing place, lose weight, run... Ha! However, we learned that sHELLey is the best training.
Once upon a time there were four girls and one husband who decided to do a really insane 5K. They met a handsome prince (ok, he drove us there) who happened upon the opportunity for some "fun" at the last minute. The fire shot, they jumped around and then they heard "Go!" They started jogging through a real pasture with animal patties and holes.
The first came across a barrier that they had to crawl under and climb over. They crawled under barbed wire and smashed their thighs on the wood walls...
Much like Hansel and Gretel, they ventured into a scary forest. The handsome prince (trust me, he deserves much better for all he did) led the crew down a steep path in the forest. It was slippery and someone (me) wiped out immediately. Fortunately, there were no broken bones and they were able to continue to the rope climb. Each member had to tug a rope as they climbed to the top of the steep valley.
After a few more paces, they came to this crossing that required them to crawl up some wood and cross (up and down) the land.
Then they saw the fun! It was an "easy" obstacle. All they had to do was walk into some mud, climb a wee hill and slide back down. This girl was excited! Oops! Mud is slippery and it was hard to climb. To the tip top I got, woosh! Back to the bottom, I fell. Not once, not twice, but three times! Sadly, the third time included knocking down a person behind me. The prince could be heard shouting and giggling, "This is fun!"
They traipsed through the forest, down the valley and back up. Tears came with the rain. This girl was ready to quit. The crew stepped in, holding my hand, talking me out of hyperventilation and down the next valley. Some slid down on their butts, others went through the brush- getting caught by thorny bushes. Through a trap of lines, a mud tunnel on our hands and knees, more mud, another wipeout, and a tight rope bridge.
Am I forgetting stuff? Probably. The crew stayed together- faced the mud, the falls and the challenges. Soon, a deep pond could be seen. I could hear the Turtleman's cry-"Live Action" as I splashed into the murky water, feeling the tangle of pond plants. We had to team up- the Prince pulling our arms and strangers pushing our feet as we climbed on the barrier in the middle. On the other side, we had to plunge back into the freezing water, swallowing and choking on pond muck, swimming to the other side.
What is that? Music? The end is in sound. They crawled under the military barbed wire, raced-ish (as much as possible while covered in mud, soaking wet, physically spent) to the cargo nets. Oh my GAH! They loomed about 20+ feet up in the air- would this be our demise? My crew cheered me on, reassured me as I crossed the top and started back down. Whew!
The crowd was going wild! We were at the end. Our friends could see us and cheer us on, two obstacles to go, we can do it!
They ran- leaping over two walls of fire! One more...hands and knees, another mud crawl to the end. Right, left, right, left. My sidekick, my partner, BRENNA (making sure she sees her name) met me and we grabbed hands and crossed the finish.
That's where this story of the adventure ends. The handsome prince drove the warriors to their cars (in his undies) and everyone returned to their abodes.
So...you know when you shower after being at the beach and sand just falls out of your suit? Imagine that with mud, the longest shower can't help you feel clean and 9 hours later, you still itch.
You now worry about the feverish feeling- did I get a flesh eating bacteria? Is a cut infected? There is the sore butt, wrist and bruised knees and shins to keep as memories.
More than that- the fact that a 21 year old kid helped a group of middle-aged women through, the strangers who cheered, gave words of encouragement or a hand. The friends who made memories that won't ever go away. The knowledge that without our boot camp and sHELLey, sHELLey's BELLes wouldn't have made it. The idea that we did it, we didn't fail, we didn't skip a single obstacle. That's what today was about. Of course, as we slipped and slided down the forest slopes, one woman shouted, "This is not on the brochure." Thank you, strange lady. You titled my blog.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
My Last will and Testament
Well, tomorrow is the Warrior Dash. If you don't know what it is, you can google it OR just assume it's a stupid run that includes a few rounds of Russian Roulette. Lets be honest, I trip over carpet in my bare feet. I run into doors and mirrors (at least then I'm polite enough to apologize). Yesterday I smashed my knuckle in a door. So, a 5K (difficult in itself) with obstacles that include fire, barbed wire, cargo nets, mud, and possibly contaminated water is like wrestling a tiger for raw steaks.
Therefore, I find it best to publish my last will and testament. Basically, I know my mother won't listen to my wishes.
I, Jocelyn Anne Osborne Schilling, of questionable mind (like, seriously- how sound can it be?) and amazing character attest to the following:
If I die as a result of the Warrior Dash please do the following:
1) cremate me and spread my ashes over the Jefferson Memorial pond in DC.
2) give me the best surprise funeral ever (since no one ever bothered to give me a surprise bday party).
3) please close the bottom half of my casket so my cankles do not show. sHELLey hasn't bothered to teach me ankle exercises for weight loss yet.
4) I want to be wearing something comfy- so don't dress me in something tight or fancy. Skip the make-up too, we all know I do daily!
5) for my sister, Savannah Z Osborne, I leave the following: the extra 55 pounds I want to lose, and my ass. It's the only chance she has to get one.
6) for Michael D Logan (AKA Rainman), I leave the Hoho and Tank. Don't bother giving him the cat- he'll get his purr removed.
7) for my workout BFF, Brenna Powell, I leave my exercise shorts. They might be too big for her, but she might wear them in memory of me.
8) for BOB, I leave my real sense of humor, Penn isn't successful without Teller. Oh- please cut off my ear and give it to him too- it'll save y'all from having to listen to him.
9) for Annette, I leave my famous trophy. She was my fellow 5K virgin and deserves the recognition.
10) for Stacy, I leave being Shelley's favorite- and a reminder to always park your car somewhere else if you want to surprise Shelley.
11) for KMo, I leave my underwear. She knows why.
12) for Allison, I leave my stomach. Please fill it regularly with homemade treats.
13) For Melanie, I leave Bob. As his neighbor, you have to keep him in line. :)
14) for Shelley, I leave my blog. Someone has to make sure we get on TLC. Please keep my picture in the gym at all times.
15) for Tracy, I leave all my Lucky Charms. No one loves them like we do. Also, I leave her in charge of keeping my memory alive. She was my first GCC inspiration.
16) the rest can go to my mom- use the money to put my kids through college, throw away my hoarding evidence, and please make my tshirts into a quilt!
17) for Misty D Michael, my BFF, I leave my cat. She will hate this, but it will make her remember me and she can throw it at Dra when he acts a fool (or think about it). Also- you can find a replacement for me for our Christmas Village date if I don't survive.
18) for my GCC Crew- I leave the appreciation of knowing its your fault I died. Why'd y'all let me do something so stupid?!?
Lastly- please make sure I have a black choir at my funeral. I need some of my soul to be represented. Serve cupcakes (no carrots) and mandarin orange Spark.
J
Therefore, I find it best to publish my last will and testament. Basically, I know my mother won't listen to my wishes.
I, Jocelyn Anne Osborne Schilling, of questionable mind (like, seriously- how sound can it be?) and amazing character attest to the following:
If I die as a result of the Warrior Dash please do the following:
1) cremate me and spread my ashes over the Jefferson Memorial pond in DC.
2) give me the best surprise funeral ever (since no one ever bothered to give me a surprise bday party).
3) please close the bottom half of my casket so my cankles do not show. sHELLey hasn't bothered to teach me ankle exercises for weight loss yet.
4) I want to be wearing something comfy- so don't dress me in something tight or fancy. Skip the make-up too, we all know I do daily!
5) for my sister, Savannah Z Osborne, I leave the following: the extra 55 pounds I want to lose, and my ass. It's the only chance she has to get one.
6) for Michael D Logan (AKA Rainman), I leave the Hoho and Tank. Don't bother giving him the cat- he'll get his purr removed.
7) for my workout BFF, Brenna Powell, I leave my exercise shorts. They might be too big for her, but she might wear them in memory of me.
8) for BOB, I leave my real sense of humor, Penn isn't successful without Teller. Oh- please cut off my ear and give it to him too- it'll save y'all from having to listen to him.
9) for Annette, I leave my famous trophy. She was my fellow 5K virgin and deserves the recognition.
10) for Stacy, I leave being Shelley's favorite- and a reminder to always park your car somewhere else if you want to surprise Shelley.
11) for KMo, I leave my underwear. She knows why.
12) for Allison, I leave my stomach. Please fill it regularly with homemade treats.
13) For Melanie, I leave Bob. As his neighbor, you have to keep him in line. :)
14) for Shelley, I leave my blog. Someone has to make sure we get on TLC. Please keep my picture in the gym at all times.
15) for Tracy, I leave all my Lucky Charms. No one loves them like we do. Also, I leave her in charge of keeping my memory alive. She was my first GCC inspiration.
16) the rest can go to my mom- use the money to put my kids through college, throw away my hoarding evidence, and please make my tshirts into a quilt!
17) for Misty D Michael, my BFF, I leave my cat. She will hate this, but it will make her remember me and she can throw it at Dra when he acts a fool (or think about it). Also- you can find a replacement for me for our Christmas Village date if I don't survive.
18) for my GCC Crew- I leave the appreciation of knowing its your fault I died. Why'd y'all let me do something so stupid?!?
Lastly- please make sure I have a black choir at my funeral. I need some of my soul to be represented. Serve cupcakes (no carrots) and mandarin orange Spark.
J
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