This pregnancy thing is not all its cracked up to be. Seriously. I know I've promised to be thankful and appreciative for each day of this process. Folks, I've broken my promise. There are days when I still thank God for being pregnant, but I also want it to go faster. I feel guilty about that, but the truth is, I just want to hold my baby in my arms. I'm so eager to see 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes and a perfect nose (which is a long shot for MY kid). Having better doctor news and seeing a positive ultrasound this week will really ease my worry.
After my last ER trip, my doctor put me on progesterone. Ummm...more hormones? I hope to some day be able to articulate the range of emotions. I think I finally have a legitimate glimpse of BiPolar disorder. It's a teeny glimpse, but emotions are like a roller coaster. I am so quick to lose my temper- but also laugh harder than I ever have. The Rainman ranks my temper like a tornado. Unfortunately- he gets the bulk of it...
In other news- I've eaten a cheeseburger. Three actually. Get this- I even ate a Big Mac. As most people know, I very rarely will eat a burger, but it was a craving. Now- I don't want ANY meat (except bacon...I'm pregnant, not stupid). I got chicken fingers today and threw them away. I'd gladly live off of cereal and grilled cheese. I start each day with either a Whataburger egg sandwich or a Jack's biscuit. Ooh- and I get my one coke of the day each morning. I used to be a huge chocolate person- and I still like it, but I'd take fruity candy first.
Pregnancy also shows who your friends are- where you stand with folks. I've had friends who have checked on me regularly and others who actually interact with me less or not at all. That's ok- but it hasn't been easy. The goal is less stress, and I'm having to accept that I change, they change, life changes. One relationship has really changed- and that's my relationship with God. In church we sing Hillsong's "Cornerstone". One line says, "weak made strong in Savior's love...", that really resonates with me. I cannot sing it in church without crying. It's like God is telling me that it's going to be okay.
My body is really changing- I haven't gained more than a few pounds, but I'm out of my pants. Thank goodness it is finally warmer! I'm now wearing dresses, skirts and even a few maternity pieces.
I appreciate everyone who has lifted us in your prayers. We need them. I also appreciate my friends (DT!!!) for taking out my trash so I don't have to lift it, checking on me, asking me to hang out or offering to bring me dinner. Sometimes just knowing you're on someone's mind fixes it all. I'm also terribly thankful for my colleagues who have really worked to keep a very stressful job- not as stressful.
We will get there... And I promise to continue to be thankful for this process- even on the hardest of days :)
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