So I'm 6.5 months pregnant (or 24 weeks and 6 days, if you want to know the truth)

There are still nights when I am in bed and I cry. I am so excited about this baby growing inside if me. I have moments when I imagine holding her in my arms and it is beyond words. 

When one if my "kids", Jordan Lykes, found out I was pregnant, she was excited because she knew how bad I wanted this. I don't think many people realized just how important this was. I hid it. People would constantly ask about having kids, tell me how wonderful if a parent I would be, say they've always pictured me as a mom. I just didn't think it would happen. 

I am so blessed. I know it and I bet I thank God at least 25 times a day. However, pregnancy is NOT fun. Here's why:

1) I've only gained 12 pounds. My waist is still smaller than when I weighed 263.5. I feel like I've gained 100...and not in an "I'm so fat" sort of way. Nope. This is in an "I can't breathe" sort if way. 

2) I still check for blood after every restroom trip. Lets say I potty a minimum of 12 times a day. Think about that. Of course- this reminds me to Thank God! 

3) Speaking of restroom trips- they never cease. You go almost hourly while asleep. Interesting fact: the fluid from your extremities comes home at night- entering your bloodstream and making you pee. 

4) speaking of restroom trips: there is a reason new moms don't gag at their baby's crap. The reason is- they've been gagging at their own for 9 months. It's horrible. One day is likes delivering an elephant our if your ass and the next is diarrhea (cha cha cha). Ugh!

5) Google. Yep. I have no idea how pregnant women survived pre-Internet. I bet they didn't develop every possible issue though. I bet I google every feeling or pain I have. The good news is: so does everyone else. You never feel alone is your left leg numbness caused by heartburn with carpal tunnel at 24 w is the baby kicking. 

6) baby movement. EVERYONE asks, "Have you felt the baby move yet?" This question leads to more google searches. Fortunately, I now know I have an anterior placenta and my baby movement is different from others. 

7) You feel old. The amount of aches and pains I experience is apparently the same as my 80 year old Granma. Worse? I talk about it nearly as much as she does. 

8) This second trimester burst of energy promise is a LIE. Thanks, Pinnochio. I've got about 2 weeks left until the 3rd trimester and I've yet to find it. 

9) the moodiness is still here. If you don't believe me, ask my mom or my husband. I'm emotional, cranky and constantly worrisome. 

10) It's impossible to be comfortable. Remember #7? Yep- well this aches and pains that are from your shoulders down to your toes make everything uncomfortable: sleeping, sitting, standing, breathing, eating...

11) Guilt. I wonder if everything I do will hurt Harper Grace. I rarely will take ONE Tylenol. I won't eat lunch meat. I drink one and only one caffeinated drink a day. I don't read my scary mysteries or the good sex scene novels. I'm trying to quit cussing. 

12) Pee! This is no joke. You pee yourself regularly. No..you don't soak your drawers, but like teaching a kindergartener to glue "a little dab'll do"

13) Boob obsession. This is Michael's favorite part (yea right). I ask him weekly if my boobs are any bigger? What about my nipples? Have they changed colors? Is my linea nigre showing? Lately I've started an informal measurement of belly button depth.

Being pregnant is awesome. I love the idea of it. I'm blessed to have my baby girl. It just isn't fun. It's kind of like the Warrior Dash. I'm so proud to do it, but there are some bumps, bruises, hills and tears along the way. 

That's my update. I'm now going to bed so my retained fluid can return to its assigned location. 

Wedding Jitters

Let me be clear, I don't have a doubt in my mind about the man that will become my husband tomorrow. He's perfect. We laugh, poke fun, love, console and are best friends to each other. We've been through a tornado that could've taken his life, a blizzard that lasted about a week, death and turmoil. I know he's "the one" and he will be an amazing daddy to my little girl. 

It's not him that makes me nervous. It's marriage. The institution. The lifelong commitment. It's the 50% success rate. I don't know many people who are successful at marriage. It's not like becoming an engineer or a chemist. They don't have classes or textbooks or continuing education. 

My parents are divorced. Their parents are divorced. I have a handful of aunts and uncles who haven't been divorced. Friends divorce- it's so easy. I've been married once before and I was HORRIBLE at it.  

How do you guarantee success? How do we stay secure in our relationship so that we don't fail? How do we stay IN love and not just love each other? How do we handle being two (incredibly) independent people merging into one household. 

You see, that blizzard is the longest we've ever "lived" together. Yep- we've taken vacations, but never alone for that long. We stay together on the weekends, but we maintain two households. How do we handle finances without allowing them to come between us? How do we raise our daughter to be an amazing, loving little girl without screwing up? How do we avoid being "those parents" at a restaurant. You know, the ones that sit in silence with each other and only talk to their kid? How do we make important decisions about where to live, what to do for holidays or whether to allow our daughter to date? 

I honestly don't know. I wish I did. Truth is, I'm a horrible student- so even if they had the textbook and the class- it wouldn't help me. I sure hope that my own mistakes will teach me a lesson or two. I cross my fingers that we'll remember never to go to bed angry and talk stuff out. I pray that we provide an example for Harper Grace and show her what a loving relationship looks like. Heck, maybe we can show ourselves. 

Thanks everyone for the prayers and the well wishes- I hope they don't end tomorrow. Yep- that may be the easiest day of our journey together.