The Test

Let me start by saying that if I have any complications after writing this blog, I'm giving up seriousness forever. The only times I've had emergencies were after a serious blog...

I'm almost 37 and pregnant. Pregnancy after 35 comes with increased risks of miscarriage and birth defects. Apparently, with each year comes higher risks. This means that the doctor has to talk to you about The Test.

The Test now comes in three options: amniocentesis, a probability blood test, and a new chromosome blood test. Each of these tests for birth defects. The amnio has some risk because they stick a huge arse needle in your "belly" and take out some of the baby's fluid. It can cause miscarriage (or poke the baby in the eye?). The probability test is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I taught 5th grade math, so I understand probability. I also suffer from severe anxiety disorder, so I understand "worst case scenario" creating crazy in my brain. Basically, it tests your blood and tells you the probability that your child will have various birth defects. Now, there's a test that looks at the chromosomal make-up of your baby by drawing blood. It's supposedly 99% accurate and bout a year old. This, friends, is my only viable option.

Or is it? Friday we had our most recent ultrasound. We saw the amazing changes in our baby, heard its heartbeat. We could see facial features- like a nose. We saw an arm and a leg. It was amazing.

The Test looks for 4 major chromosomal abnormalities: trisomy 13, 18 and 21 (down's syndrome) and one I can't remember. Trisomy 13 and 18 are severe defects. Many children suffering die in the womb, others die within days or weeks of birth- and have a horrible condition of living. There are very few positive stories for these families.

Growing up, my aunt was a counselor for girls considering abortion. For most of my life, I've known how abortion happens and how horrible it is. I'm the worst Democrat ever- when it comes to this issue. In college, a friend of mine had an abortion- and I couldn't speak to her for years. As many know, Jake had a girlfriend who aborted his child in high school. I am completely opposed to abortion. Interestingly enough- I'm not opposed to euthanasia in severe situations (think: Terri Schiavo). So this puts in me an interesting place.

The doctor is talking to us about The Test and suggests, IF we are to do it, we do it at the next visit. I'll be 16 weeks pregnant. I ask him if one of the 2 major defects show up, what do people do? He says (after a lengthy explanation of the conditions) that some choose to terminate their pregnancy. I immediately start crying. I am ingrained of the horrors of abortion.

The Rainman has a different perspective-for obvious reasons. I live, breathe, eat and sleep each day with one purpose in my life: to care for my baby. He has two people to care for: the baby and me. He's trying to process this with factoring in the risks of losing me. That's an added factor in deciding to test or not to test.

I am wiling to take the risk. If I died in birthing my child- I died doing what God put me on this Earth for: being a parent. Rainman is also more willing to look at a quality of life: would this child be suffering if he or she had Trisomy 13 or 18? If so, is it fair for us to be selfish and allow the suffering?

Two years ago this month, my cat, Terrell, died. Terrell was the best cat- in the world. I knew he was sick, but his condition deteriorated so quickly in 24 hours that I had no idea he was going to die. That last hour, 6 am on a Saturday morning- no vet around open- I held him and tried to make his last moments peaceful. We raced to the vet to be there at 7 when they opened, and he took his last breaths in the parking lot. It was horrible- he suffered and I held him as he struggled to get a breath. About two years prior, his brother-Marshall- got very ill and I was able to get him to the vet. I knew nothing could be done, so they gave him a shot so he would fall asleep and die peacefully.

I know it infuriates people that I'd compare cats to babies. I realize it isn't the same thing- but the moral is. If I could've gotten Terrell to the vet- I would've given him the shot.

If I got The Test- could I make the same decision? Honestly- the answer is no. I believe, in my heart, that a baby suffers during an abortion. I believe I would want- if only for a few moments, weeks or days- to experience parenthood and that my child would be perfect to me.

Fortunately, Rainman can see the pros and cons more clearly than I can. I guess it is a gift that I've chosen a man who believes in women's rights more than I do- because he is allowing me to make this decision. Before writing this blog, I'd say there was a 25% chance I would've had the test....I think putting it into words has helped me decide.

I know my brain- and I know this will remain on a brain burner for a few weeks. I'm thankful I took the time to process it and appreciate that anyone read this whole thing :)