What have I done to deserve this?

This is a question I've asked many times over the past thirty-six years. When I was 9 (just three days before my birthday), my parents divorce was final. I was crushed and asked myself, "What have I done to deserve this?"

My mom and I did not get along when I was a girl. We fought constantly and my nickname was Jocelyn G. Osborne. The G was for grounded, because I always was. I'm not sure who asked the question more-my mom or me. We were asking, "What have I done to deserve this?"

My friends, Amanda and Angie, were always so much more beautiful than me. They had great hair, beautiful (still are), and great houses. Amanda had the most beautiful voice and could play the piano. Angie had a two-story house and the entire Nancy Drew series... In hardback. I was awkward, couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, and my skills included being the manager of the team. What have I done to deserve this?

My dad was never around, there were days when he never showed. One day he told me (December 22, 1985 in my grandma's kitchen) that I would always be the most important thing in his life. Ten months later, he had another daughter. My "grandfather" was arrested for child molestation charges. My mom remarried when I was 13-I'm pretty sure dealing with my mouth had Paps asking, "What have I done to deserve this?"

My high school sweetheart broke my heart less than a week after taking my virginity. He would constantly reel me back in- and release me. Eventually he crushed me when he impregnated the girl who had the abortion. What have I done to deserve this?

I had to have a job when I was 16. I didn't get a car. I was making tacos at the Taco Bell when I wasn't on the bench managing the volleyball team. My friends were still prettier. I was still awkward in my braces and my fashion sense included boxers and tshirts. What have I done to deserve this?

Our apartment was broken into and we were assaulted. My security was changed for the rest of my life. The house I lived In caught fire and my kitten died. My dad was arrested and was facing 99 years in prison. My brother was revived after dying and had half his lung removed. What in the world have I done to deserve this?

My Jakers killed himself. Sure, our marriage was miserable, but we were best friends. I remember walking to my door late Tuesday night. I'd watched The Guardian with Christy and went home to find the homicide detective's card on my door. Jake was dead. What have I done to deserve this?

For 36 years, I've compared myself to others. She's luckier than I am. Why did she find the man of her dreams? She doesn't come from a broken home? Why did she get a better job? Constantly I've asked about my life, "What have I done to deserve this?"

Now, I have been blessed with a precious baby inside of me. My little baby has ears, new organs, a brain. She or he is moving arms and legs and growing by leaps and bounds. Lord, what have I done to deserve this?

I'm surrounded by beautiful people who pray each day to be blessed with a little one. I have friends who have had multiple miscarriages or can't get pregnant. What have I done to deserve this?

I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I know that my life experiences have taught me to always find a positive learning example in them. I know that the pressure my parents put on me to work gave me an incredible work ethic- and made me the person I am today. I know that maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of answering my lifelong question.

I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I can promise that I am so conscientious of this gift. I try to be thankful in every moment and try to be a better person. I want to be kind and mindful of others. I want to show appreciation for this blessing- and all of the others hidden along the way.

I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'm sure glad I did it.

What to Expect When Expecting...

Would you believe the book has nearly three pages on mood swings in month 2? If not, you haven't been around me this week. Holy cow!!

If my head starts spinning and I puke green pea soup- I would not be surprised. I am almost embarrassed at how horrible I am. Why? I am so thankful, and it is horrible to behave this way. I've pent the last two evenings hiding at home with the animals and my DVR. Stupid things make me SO angry- I mean, really pissed off. Thankfully I was given teeth to bite my tongue with. My eyes do this blur thing and I feel like I'm turning into the Hulk. Lets just say its a good thing the legislature has been quiet this week :)

The flip side of this is when I'm good- I'm good. I'm smiling and laughing more, things are way funnier. Also things that should upset me or make me cry- aren't. I've been incredibly calm about some major stressors. I've gained a new appreciation for someone with BiPolar .

Of course, the food aversions continue to be humorous. For example- my two favorite sandwiches are Zoe's chicken salad and Newk's pimento cheese. Well, they were my two favorite sandwiches. The thought of them make ill. I tried the pimento cheese the other day and scraped all if the cheese off. I craved spaghetti (remember?), can't finish a plate of it now.

My daily Coke is like manna from Heaven. It soothes my stomach and tastes so very good. I only drink one, so I try to savor it. Jellybeans and Mike and Ike's Cherry/Bub are really helpful right now too.

I used to LOVE warm softbatch cookies with milk, now I prefer a Chips Ahoy. What?! Ive also been craving cantalope, but I'm way too lazy to buy one and cut it. guess I'll stick with breakfast foods and nachos for now.

Tomorrow is the 8 week mark. Ill celebrate it by seeing my parents and nieces and nephew!!! Hopefully they'll keep me in a great mood :)

Too blessed to be stressed...

Wow. Those words sound so good, and honestly, I wish they were true. Don't get me wrong, I'm so amazingly blessed- I can't think it enough day- let alone say it. It's that dang stress.

In 2000, I married my high school sweetheart. We dated off and on for nearly ten years before we tied the knot. I've never felt love like that puppy love that starts at 14. It's ridiculous and has no boundaries or sense. Jake was an amazing guy- everyone loved him. He was charismatic, funny, gorgeous, and could be the biggest ass in the world. Often, his crooked smile got him out of trouble. Jake was BiPolar, and it was an incredibly difficult illness to face. I have so many stories of the negatives of our marriage, but I also have so many fond memories. We found a renewal of faith together- thanks to a police detective that helped us after a break-in. We started leading the high school class at church, I was baptized, and we were ultimately married in that church. Sadly, our faith ended up as weak as our marriage. I lost Jake forever on May 5, 2002. He took his own life- the battle of our marriage, the independence he never found, the highs and the lows of his illness. Jake lost a child in high school- a girl he dated got pregnant, and eventually had an abortion without telling him. I think about that child all the time. I say child, but we'd have a teenager today if she hadn't made that choice. I think about the years of our marriage that we could've easily gotten pregnant, and yet we didn't. Are you there God? It's me, Jocelyn. I've received that message.

After losing Jake, I moved on. I dated a fellow for about 7 years, and gave up my dream to become a parent- to give birth. It was my own choice, but I did it to keep things happy. We almost fostered, but weren't allowed to because we were unwed. I decided I'd focus on my career and be an aunt.

I can't believe I've been given this chance. I'm going to be a mom, I'm pregnant. I'm so blessed. I feel with every fiber in my being that this baby, Williebird or The General, have God's hands wrapped around, protecting, blessing, loving. I've never felt closer to God as I do at this very moment. I talk to him as I shower, drive, at random moments, and as my last thought of the day.

I suffer from severe anxiety disorder- and I'm without medication. Sure- that means I may worry more than the average person, but I feel blessed.

Last night, I was walking with Tank outside, considering my next blog, thinking about sharing how blessed I am. I came inside and went to the restroom...and noticed I was spotting. I'm not going to lie- I was CRAZY. We called the doctor, googled every symptom I had- and then we did something we've never done before. We prayed together. I sobbed out our prayer as Michael and I held hands. I sobbed as I read the scripture that I claim as mine. Phil 4:6 says "Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything-by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I thought about our church sermon yesterday of feeling at the cross. There was NOTHING I could do. Nothing. I could pray and trust and turn it over to God.

Friends, I'm the biggest control freak you've ever met. I had 10 hours before the doctor's office would open. Somehow, I calmed down. I even slept. Sure, I made 1,000,000,000,000 trips to the bathroom. I slept.

My doctors office had me come in. We did an ultrasound again. I heard the heartbeat- again. I saw my baby's heart, I saw a picture of my healthy little peanut. My doctor did an exam. I'm fine, no bleeding, nothing to worry about. My peanut, our Peanut, is just perfect. We're growing 1mm a day, developing facial features, fingers and toes, perfect.

I'm so blessed. I'm also crazy- and sometimes that wins, but I'm so blessed. Ill never be able, in a trillion years, to thank God enough for this opportunity. The opportunity that I once blew- the one I thought I'd never have. I promise Him that I'll be the best mom ever, and love my baby with all I've got.

I've had no morning sickness and haven't had regular spotting- this was isolated. I think so much about my friends who live with this worry each day, or who haven't had the chance to worry about puking or spotting. It makes me even more thankful.

I know I've, we've, got a long road ahead of us. I don't want to rush this along- but I'll be thankful when my peanut is here to hold. After that I will worry about falls, bumps, bruises, bullies and even driving, one day. I don't want to miss this- any of this.

I am so blessed. I really am. I have family and friends praying for us. We have the support of loved ones literally from coast-to-coast. Every day won't be easy, and I may have some low days- but I'm blessed.

I hope you'll continue to pray for us. This journey is so scary- I won't lie. However- I've got a friend upstairs who is cuddling, protecting and blessing my little peanut. This is HIS child, creation. I'm so blessed. Maybe, just maybe- I'm too blessed to be stressed.

Cupcakes to pancakes

Wow! What an exciting week :) Honestly, life has been such a whirlwind since I found out I was pregant. BUT- seeing the first ultrasound, hearing the baby's heartbeat and the amazing feedback we've received tells me- I'm having the best week ever!

I really want to try to blog more so that I can remember this being pregnant thing and see how things change :)

So, I hear all about this morning sickness thing- yep, only hear about it. Leave it to the fat chick to have ZERO morning sickness. Sure, some mornings I'm a little queasy. I've yet to throw up though (or shrew up as our Mexican tour guide said- that costs $20).

I have, however, had some interesting food aversions. Well, let me back-up. The first thing I looked at when I found out I was pregnant was what foods to avoid. What was the first thing? QUESO. That's like telling a bird to avoid birdseed or a shark to become a vegetarian. No QUESO?!? Apparently, it's a soft cheese- unpasteurized- listeria? So I gave it up. I also gave up lunch meat, Crystal light, sweet tea and diet sodas. (Yea-that wasn't much of a sacrifice).

My gym BFF, Brenna, kept telling me she ate it with her twins and they are ok, but being nervous Nellie. I avoided it. Then I saw the doctor. I brought out my list of questions:
-what kind of prenatal vitamins should I take?
-when am I due?
-how often will I see him?
-can I have QUESO?

Apparently, US QUESO is safe. It's the QUESO in Mexico I should avoid (duh!). I also heard him say avoid Whole Foods... Or maybe just their fresh cheeses. WHEW!!!!!!

Anyway, aversions. At first, I didn't want any sweets. I was skipping the most important part of a meal- dessert. That was sort of hard to hide when I went to Pink with my gym gals. We celebrated my birthday at the restaurant with a brownie that's probably to die for, but I only took a couple of bites. I didn't even go out and buy every new bag of jelly beans available. Last year, I think we bought 10-15 bags of different jelly beans. Heck- I haven't even had a Cadbury Creme Egg.

Fortunately, that phase passed. Now I'm in the breakfast food phase. I start my morning with a Whataburger egg sandwich and my lone source of caffeine for the day- one small real coke. I could probably eat pancakes for every meal...or Waffle House. Of course I am settling for cereal and Toaster Strudels :)

The idea of anything fast food beyond egg, cheese and some bread sounds disgusting. Okay- except Taco Bell. Donuts and bacon sound amazing. Then there are the things that just hit me wrong. Example- Full Moon chicken tenders and Full Moon ranch. They just gross me out right now.

I've been craving spaghetti, poached eggs, peanut butter and jelly and my moms chicken casserole... Not together, of course. I've also found that those little Reese Easter eggs (not the big ones, the 2 bite ones) calm an upset stomach. So does yogurt- but Reese eggs are more fun ;)

Cupcakes to pickles and ice cream?

So just a couple of weeks ago, my life changed forever. I had a sneaking suspicion, but I honestly thought I was on a wing and a prayer. My period never came. Every time I went to the bathroom, I checked and rechecked. I googled the symptoms. I prayed. Then I told Michael, "I'm 99% positive I'm NOT pregnant." Ha! We will see if he ever trusts me again.

Luckily, I had a doctor appointment scheduled. So we did a pregnancy test. She sends me back out to the waiting room for a while, and calls me back. She hands me a pregnancy test with NO expression on her face. I don't know what it says!! So I ask. I'm pregnant.

Many of you know that I was married to my high school sweetheart, and we never got pregnant. Michael and I (while living in two different cities, 45 minutes apart, seeing each other only on weekends) have been trying since January. Thank you, God. Initially we decide not to tell a soul- except for my work partner. She's a "blue" if you've ever done the colors inventory and would notice me changing.

I ask the doctor about exercise and he tells me...low impact, no running, no exerting yourself until you're out of breath. Ummmm, hey doc. You ever met boot camp?!

The next morning, my closest guy friend calls and says out of nowhere, "if you were 4 weeks pregnant, would you tell me?" I am FREAKING out. A few days later, Annette says something about a surprise shower. I go to bunco and it's all talk of babies and daycare. The next night my friend, Lili, facebooks me to ask if I'm still trying to get pregnant. WOW.

So we plan the release. Michael schedules dinner with his family. I tell my family I found a cool game on Pinterest that they will love. I put it together and mail them to my dad and stepmom, my mom and Paps, aunt, and 2 sets of grandparents. In order to play the game, they must have required players present. So my aunt had to play with my third set of grandparents.

Okay, so my dad (after forcing him to check his mail) calls me back.
Him: Hellooo?
Me: Hi! Did you get mail?
Him: I got this green paper that says you're pregnant.
Me: Yep.
Him: Are you lying? Are you having a baby? Are you pregant? Really? (He turns to my stepmom) It isn't a joke. She's pregnant, she's having a baby.

I make mom and Paps go straight to her house after work. They don't get the envelope?! Haha, Postal Service. The envelopes made it to Lafayette 2/3, one made it to Monon and you mess my moms up?!? Ugh. So I tell her to put me on speakerphone and announce the news. Apparently I'm a real jokester because she didn't believe me either. Paps made this sound that I knew he believed.

My colleagues and I were having a blast. Our trip from Montgomery felt like it took 5 minutes instead of an hour and a half. We called my siblings and others. I started sending some friends and family text messages of a bun in the oven. I did, however, try to be sure everyone got to tell at least one other person. My mom got her siblings, Dad got El, Paps got siblings, etc.

Then came family dinner with Michael's family. We walk in and I ask them to play a game. Michaels mom reads the poem and gets halfway through when his aunt yells,"Y'all are getting married in October." His mom says, "No Judy- they're having a BABY!" So fun.

I'm still telling people individually. My awesome cousin has prepared my Facebook cover photo announcement.

So my blog will change directions for the next seven months. Surely other pregnant people have some stuff they wonder and/or y'all can give me advice. Don't worry, Craig, I'm still going to get you in a blog :)

I want to continue to exercise- it's important for my health, but also my spirit of being with my family. Right now I've been walking, but hopefully 5 am crew will claim me still.

Of course, I still check for my period every time I go potty. Then I thank The Lord for blessing me. I hope you will keep us in prayer. I'm so excited and need every prayer we can get.