Yea, yea, yea. You had to know a blog was coming about the church drama. Around Easter, Michael and I decided to start planning our wedding. We looked at a destination wedding in California, considered Nashville or Gatlinburg- but settled on sweet home Alabama. Yes, my family would have a bit of a drive (but a free place to stay). This is Michael's first (and only wedding) so his family got extra weight in this decision.
We considered a state park wedding, small chapels, or sights in Birmingham. However, we want a small (read: inexpensive) wedding and decided to see if we could use his aunt and uncle's church. They've attended this little white church in Cullman forever and it was perfect for us. Plus, that would be special for them.
The church voted that we could use the church on July 6. We wanted to speak to the preacher to see if he was comfortable marrying us because of my "condition". Sooooo, we visited the church yesterday. I was so stressed about it- apparently my gut was right.
We met with the pastor after the service. He told us he'd have to pray about it because he's never been asked to marry a pregnant couple before and wanted to hear from God. He did reassure us, however, that the church had voted and we could use it. He used the word sin about a billion times. So much, that my feelings were starting to get hurt. His sermon that day was about sin and forgiveness. Ummm, hello? I finally, in my most polite Republican voice, agreed with him that I felt if Jesus forgave us- so should man. I went on to explain (meekly and very unlike me) that clearly God forgave us because he blessed us with a child.
Last night, he told Michael's aunt and uncle that he would NOT marry us AND that he was going to ask the church to vote again to see if we could still use their facility. No thank you. Obviously, we didn't want to see them hurt further by church members. Nor would I use that church if HELL froze over.
Look, I know the Bible says premarital sex is a sin. I also know that judgement by man is a sin (let he without sin cast the first stone). I know many will be shocked to know I have a pretty strong religious background. I grew up in a Calvary Chapel. When I was young, I remember outside church sermons with Pastor Chuck Smith's booming voice preaching while people wore swimsuits. I've visited Tom Camp's church and sat next to convicted felons and recent prisoners. I've read the Bible and know that Jesus was a friend to sinners- as the Casting Crown songs says. How about Amazing Grace? Jeremy Camp's song says, "let this old life crumble, let it fade. Let this new life offered be your saving grace."
More importantly- the song says, "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..." That's what God has shown us through this. Michael and I have had at least 10 suggestions of churches or offers in less than 24 hours. We've spoken to our friends, preachers and fellow believers. The message has remained strong and steadfast. God loves all of us and this baby is a blessing- not a curse. Our friends have let their lights shine. We've seen grace, mercy and love.
Ill be honest- I've said that this pregnancy has brought me closer to God- more close than I've ever been. I believe that this is a test- just like the forbidden fruit. Will we turn our backs? It scares me to think of what other negative things Satan will throw our way during this journey.
My cousin shared this song with me when we were having complications with our pregnancy. Tenth Avenue North's lyrics say,
Cause ill be by your side whenever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
When Melissa, Jeremy Camp's first wife died of cancer, he wrote Walk By Faith.
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful all of these years
With one breath, you make me new
Your grace covers all I do...
I think we know who is on our side. I won't lie, my feelings are hurt. I'm insulted. I understand that this pastor has his own beliefs. I'm upset that he used the guise of prayer to make this decision.
In the end- we will have a better wedding. It may not be in a church, but you can bet our family and loved ones will be by our side to help us through. I the end- it's a blessing.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
The Test
Let me start by saying that if I have any complications after writing this blog, I'm giving up seriousness forever. The only times I've had emergencies were after a serious blog...
I'm almost 37 and pregnant. Pregnancy after 35 comes with increased risks of miscarriage and birth defects. Apparently, with each year comes higher risks. This means that the doctor has to talk to you about The Test.
The Test now comes in three options: amniocentesis, a probability blood test, and a new chromosome blood test. Each of these tests for birth defects. The amnio has some risk because they stick a huge arse needle in your "belly" and take out some of the baby's fluid. It can cause miscarriage (or poke the baby in the eye?). The probability test is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I taught 5th grade math, so I understand probability. I also suffer from severe anxiety disorder, so I understand "worst case scenario" creating crazy in my brain. Basically, it tests your blood and tells you the probability that your child will have various birth defects. Now, there's a test that looks at the chromosomal make-up of your baby by drawing blood. It's supposedly 99% accurate and bout a year old. This, friends, is my only viable option.
Or is it? Friday we had our most recent ultrasound. We saw the amazing changes in our baby, heard its heartbeat. We could see facial features- like a nose. We saw an arm and a leg. It was amazing.
The Test looks for 4 major chromosomal abnormalities: trisomy 13, 18 and 21 (down's syndrome) and one I can't remember. Trisomy 13 and 18 are severe defects. Many children suffering die in the womb, others die within days or weeks of birth- and have a horrible condition of living. There are very few positive stories for these families.
Growing up, my aunt was a counselor for girls considering abortion. For most of my life, I've known how abortion happens and how horrible it is. I'm the worst Democrat ever- when it comes to this issue. In college, a friend of mine had an abortion- and I couldn't speak to her for years. As many know, Jake had a girlfriend who aborted his child in high school. I am completely opposed to abortion. Interestingly enough- I'm not opposed to euthanasia in severe situations (think: Terri Schiavo). So this puts in me an interesting place.
The doctor is talking to us about The Test and suggests, IF we are to do it, we do it at the next visit. I'll be 16 weeks pregnant. I ask him if one of the 2 major defects show up, what do people do? He says (after a lengthy explanation of the conditions) that some choose to terminate their pregnancy. I immediately start crying. I am ingrained of the horrors of abortion.
The Rainman has a different perspective-for obvious reasons. I live, breathe, eat and sleep each day with one purpose in my life: to care for my baby. He has two people to care for: the baby and me. He's trying to process this with factoring in the risks of losing me. That's an added factor in deciding to test or not to test.
I am wiling to take the risk. If I died in birthing my child- I died doing what God put me on this Earth for: being a parent. Rainman is also more willing to look at a quality of life: would this child be suffering if he or she had Trisomy 13 or 18? If so, is it fair for us to be selfish and allow the suffering?
Two years ago this month, my cat, Terrell, died. Terrell was the best cat- in the world. I knew he was sick, but his condition deteriorated so quickly in 24 hours that I had no idea he was going to die. That last hour, 6 am on a Saturday morning- no vet around open- I held him and tried to make his last moments peaceful. We raced to the vet to be there at 7 when they opened, and he took his last breaths in the parking lot. It was horrible- he suffered and I held him as he struggled to get a breath. About two years prior, his brother-Marshall- got very ill and I was able to get him to the vet. I knew nothing could be done, so they gave him a shot so he would fall asleep and die peacefully.
I know it infuriates people that I'd compare cats to babies. I realize it isn't the same thing- but the moral is. If I could've gotten Terrell to the vet- I would've given him the shot.
If I got The Test- could I make the same decision? Honestly- the answer is no. I believe, in my heart, that a baby suffers during an abortion. I believe I would want- if only for a few moments, weeks or days- to experience parenthood and that my child would be perfect to me.
Fortunately, Rainman can see the pros and cons more clearly than I can. I guess it is a gift that I've chosen a man who believes in women's rights more than I do- because he is allowing me to make this decision. Before writing this blog, I'd say there was a 25% chance I would've had the test....I think putting it into words has helped me decide.
I know my brain- and I know this will remain on a brain burner for a few weeks. I'm thankful I took the time to process it and appreciate that anyone read this whole thing :)
I'm almost 37 and pregnant. Pregnancy after 35 comes with increased risks of miscarriage and birth defects. Apparently, with each year comes higher risks. This means that the doctor has to talk to you about The Test.
The Test now comes in three options: amniocentesis, a probability blood test, and a new chromosome blood test. Each of these tests for birth defects. The amnio has some risk because they stick a huge arse needle in your "belly" and take out some of the baby's fluid. It can cause miscarriage (or poke the baby in the eye?). The probability test is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I taught 5th grade math, so I understand probability. I also suffer from severe anxiety disorder, so I understand "worst case scenario" creating crazy in my brain. Basically, it tests your blood and tells you the probability that your child will have various birth defects. Now, there's a test that looks at the chromosomal make-up of your baby by drawing blood. It's supposedly 99% accurate and bout a year old. This, friends, is my only viable option.
Or is it? Friday we had our most recent ultrasound. We saw the amazing changes in our baby, heard its heartbeat. We could see facial features- like a nose. We saw an arm and a leg. It was amazing.
The Test looks for 4 major chromosomal abnormalities: trisomy 13, 18 and 21 (down's syndrome) and one I can't remember. Trisomy 13 and 18 are severe defects. Many children suffering die in the womb, others die within days or weeks of birth- and have a horrible condition of living. There are very few positive stories for these families.
Growing up, my aunt was a counselor for girls considering abortion. For most of my life, I've known how abortion happens and how horrible it is. I'm the worst Democrat ever- when it comes to this issue. In college, a friend of mine had an abortion- and I couldn't speak to her for years. As many know, Jake had a girlfriend who aborted his child in high school. I am completely opposed to abortion. Interestingly enough- I'm not opposed to euthanasia in severe situations (think: Terri Schiavo). So this puts in me an interesting place.
The doctor is talking to us about The Test and suggests, IF we are to do it, we do it at the next visit. I'll be 16 weeks pregnant. I ask him if one of the 2 major defects show up, what do people do? He says (after a lengthy explanation of the conditions) that some choose to terminate their pregnancy. I immediately start crying. I am ingrained of the horrors of abortion.
The Rainman has a different perspective-for obvious reasons. I live, breathe, eat and sleep each day with one purpose in my life: to care for my baby. He has two people to care for: the baby and me. He's trying to process this with factoring in the risks of losing me. That's an added factor in deciding to test or not to test.
I am wiling to take the risk. If I died in birthing my child- I died doing what God put me on this Earth for: being a parent. Rainman is also more willing to look at a quality of life: would this child be suffering if he or she had Trisomy 13 or 18? If so, is it fair for us to be selfish and allow the suffering?
Two years ago this month, my cat, Terrell, died. Terrell was the best cat- in the world. I knew he was sick, but his condition deteriorated so quickly in 24 hours that I had no idea he was going to die. That last hour, 6 am on a Saturday morning- no vet around open- I held him and tried to make his last moments peaceful. We raced to the vet to be there at 7 when they opened, and he took his last breaths in the parking lot. It was horrible- he suffered and I held him as he struggled to get a breath. About two years prior, his brother-Marshall- got very ill and I was able to get him to the vet. I knew nothing could be done, so they gave him a shot so he would fall asleep and die peacefully.
I know it infuriates people that I'd compare cats to babies. I realize it isn't the same thing- but the moral is. If I could've gotten Terrell to the vet- I would've given him the shot.
If I got The Test- could I make the same decision? Honestly- the answer is no. I believe, in my heart, that a baby suffers during an abortion. I believe I would want- if only for a few moments, weeks or days- to experience parenthood and that my child would be perfect to me.
Fortunately, Rainman can see the pros and cons more clearly than I can. I guess it is a gift that I've chosen a man who believes in women's rights more than I do- because he is allowing me to make this decision. Before writing this blog, I'd say there was a 25% chance I would've had the test....I think putting it into words has helped me decide.
I know my brain- and I know this will remain on a brain burner for a few weeks. I'm thankful I took the time to process it and appreciate that anyone read this whole thing :)
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Random Pregnancy Stuff
This pregnancy thing is not all its cracked up to be. Seriously. I know I've promised to be thankful and appreciative for each day of this process. Folks, I've broken my promise. There are days when I still thank God for being pregnant, but I also want it to go faster. I feel guilty about that, but the truth is, I just want to hold my baby in my arms. I'm so eager to see 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes and a perfect nose (which is a long shot for MY kid). Having better doctor news and seeing a positive ultrasound this week will really ease my worry.
After my last ER trip, my doctor put me on progesterone. Ummm...more hormones? I hope to some day be able to articulate the range of emotions. I think I finally have a legitimate glimpse of BiPolar disorder. It's a teeny glimpse, but emotions are like a roller coaster. I am so quick to lose my temper- but also laugh harder than I ever have. The Rainman ranks my temper like a tornado. Unfortunately- he gets the bulk of it...
In other news- I've eaten a cheeseburger. Three actually. Get this- I even ate a Big Mac. As most people know, I very rarely will eat a burger, but it was a craving. Now- I don't want ANY meat (except bacon...I'm pregnant, not stupid). I got chicken fingers today and threw them away. I'd gladly live off of cereal and grilled cheese. I start each day with either a Whataburger egg sandwich or a Jack's biscuit. Ooh- and I get my one coke of the day each morning. I used to be a huge chocolate person- and I still like it, but I'd take fruity candy first.
Pregnancy also shows who your friends are- where you stand with folks. I've had friends who have checked on me regularly and others who actually interact with me less or not at all. That's ok- but it hasn't been easy. The goal is less stress, and I'm having to accept that I change, they change, life changes. One relationship has really changed- and that's my relationship with God. In church we sing Hillsong's "Cornerstone". One line says, "weak made strong in Savior's love...", that really resonates with me. I cannot sing it in church without crying. It's like God is telling me that it's going to be okay.
My body is really changing- I haven't gained more than a few pounds, but I'm out of my pants. Thank goodness it is finally warmer! I'm now wearing dresses, skirts and even a few maternity pieces.
I appreciate everyone who has lifted us in your prayers. We need them. I also appreciate my friends (DT!!!) for taking out my trash so I don't have to lift it, checking on me, asking me to hang out or offering to bring me dinner. Sometimes just knowing you're on someone's mind fixes it all. I'm also terribly thankful for my colleagues who have really worked to keep a very stressful job- not as stressful.
We will get there... And I promise to continue to be thankful for this process- even on the hardest of days :)
After my last ER trip, my doctor put me on progesterone. Ummm...more hormones? I hope to some day be able to articulate the range of emotions. I think I finally have a legitimate glimpse of BiPolar disorder. It's a teeny glimpse, but emotions are like a roller coaster. I am so quick to lose my temper- but also laugh harder than I ever have. The Rainman ranks my temper like a tornado. Unfortunately- he gets the bulk of it...
In other news- I've eaten a cheeseburger. Three actually. Get this- I even ate a Big Mac. As most people know, I very rarely will eat a burger, but it was a craving. Now- I don't want ANY meat (except bacon...I'm pregnant, not stupid). I got chicken fingers today and threw them away. I'd gladly live off of cereal and grilled cheese. I start each day with either a Whataburger egg sandwich or a Jack's biscuit. Ooh- and I get my one coke of the day each morning. I used to be a huge chocolate person- and I still like it, but I'd take fruity candy first.
Pregnancy also shows who your friends are- where you stand with folks. I've had friends who have checked on me regularly and others who actually interact with me less or not at all. That's ok- but it hasn't been easy. The goal is less stress, and I'm having to accept that I change, they change, life changes. One relationship has really changed- and that's my relationship with God. In church we sing Hillsong's "Cornerstone". One line says, "weak made strong in Savior's love...", that really resonates with me. I cannot sing it in church without crying. It's like God is telling me that it's going to be okay.
My body is really changing- I haven't gained more than a few pounds, but I'm out of my pants. Thank goodness it is finally warmer! I'm now wearing dresses, skirts and even a few maternity pieces.
I appreciate everyone who has lifted us in your prayers. We need them. I also appreciate my friends (DT!!!) for taking out my trash so I don't have to lift it, checking on me, asking me to hang out or offering to bring me dinner. Sometimes just knowing you're on someone's mind fixes it all. I'm also terribly thankful for my colleagues who have really worked to keep a very stressful job- not as stressful.
We will get there... And I promise to continue to be thankful for this process- even on the hardest of days :)
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