My Last will and Testament

Well, tomorrow is the Warrior Dash. If you don't know what it is, you can google it OR just assume it's a stupid run that includes a few rounds of Russian Roulette. Lets be honest, I trip over carpet in my bare feet. I run into doors and mirrors (at least then I'm polite enough to apologize). Yesterday I smashed my knuckle in a door. So, a 5K (difficult in itself) with obstacles that include fire, barbed wire, cargo nets, mud, and possibly contaminated water is like wrestling a tiger for raw steaks.

Therefore, I find it best to publish my last will and testament. Basically, I know my mother won't listen to my wishes.

I, Jocelyn Anne Osborne Schilling, of questionable mind (like, seriously- how sound can it be?) and amazing character attest to the following:

If I die as a result of the Warrior Dash please do the following:

1) cremate me and spread my ashes over the Jefferson Memorial pond in DC.
2) give me the best surprise funeral ever (since no one ever bothered to give me a surprise bday party).
3) please close the bottom half of my casket so my cankles do not show. sHELLey hasn't bothered to teach me ankle exercises for weight loss yet.
4) I want to be wearing something comfy- so don't dress me in something tight or fancy. Skip the make-up too, we all know I do daily!
5) for my sister, Savannah Z Osborne, I leave the following: the extra 55 pounds I want to lose, and my ass. It's the only chance she has to get one.
6) for Michael D Logan (AKA Rainman), I leave the Hoho and Tank. Don't bother giving him the cat- he'll get his purr removed.
7) for my workout BFF, Brenna Powell, I leave my exercise shorts. They might be too big for her, but she might wear them in memory of me.
8) for BOB, I leave my real sense of humor, Penn isn't successful without Teller. Oh- please cut off my ear and give it to him too- it'll save y'all from having to listen to him.
9) for Annette, I leave my famous trophy. She was my fellow 5K virgin and deserves the recognition.
10) for Stacy, I leave being Shelley's favorite- and a reminder to always park your car somewhere else if you want to surprise Shelley.
11) for KMo, I leave my underwear. She knows why.
12) for Allison, I leave my stomach. Please fill it regularly with homemade treats.
13) For Melanie, I leave Bob. As his neighbor, you have to keep him in line. :)
14) for Shelley, I leave my blog. Someone has to make sure we get on TLC. Please keep my picture in the gym at all times.
15) for Tracy, I leave all my Lucky Charms. No one loves them like we do. Also, I leave her in charge of keeping my memory alive. She was my first GCC inspiration.
16) the rest can go to my mom- use the money to put my kids through college, throw away my hoarding evidence, and please make my tshirts into a quilt!
17) for Misty D Michael, my BFF, I leave my cat. She will hate this, but it will make her remember me and she can throw it at Dra when he acts a fool (or think about it). Also- you can find a replacement for me for our Christmas Village date if I don't survive.
18) for my GCC Crew- I leave the appreciation of knowing its your fault I died. Why'd y'all let me do something so stupid?!?

Lastly- please make sure I have a black choir at my funeral. I need some of my soul to be represented. Serve cupcakes (no carrots) and mandarin orange Spark.

J