Yea, yea, yea. You had to know a blog was coming about the church drama. Around Easter, Michael and I decided to start planning our wedding. We looked at a destination wedding in California, considered Nashville or Gatlinburg- but settled on sweet home Alabama. Yes, my family would have a bit of a drive (but a free place to stay). This is Michael's first (and only wedding) so his family got extra weight in this decision.
We considered a state park wedding, small chapels, or sights in Birmingham. However, we want a small (read: inexpensive) wedding and decided to see if we could use his aunt and uncle's church. They've attended this little white church in Cullman forever and it was perfect for us. Plus, that would be special for them.
The church voted that we could use the church on July 6. We wanted to speak to the preacher to see if he was comfortable marrying us because of my "condition". Sooooo, we visited the church yesterday. I was so stressed about it- apparently my gut was right.
We met with the pastor after the service. He told us he'd have to pray about it because he's never been asked to marry a pregnant couple before and wanted to hear from God. He did reassure us, however, that the church had voted and we could use it. He used the word sin about a billion times. So much, that my feelings were starting to get hurt. His sermon that day was about sin and forgiveness. Ummm, hello? I finally, in my most polite Republican voice, agreed with him that I felt if Jesus forgave us- so should man. I went on to explain (meekly and very unlike me) that clearly God forgave us because he blessed us with a child.
Last night, he told Michael's aunt and uncle that he would NOT marry us AND that he was going to ask the church to vote again to see if we could still use their facility. No thank you. Obviously, we didn't want to see them hurt further by church members. Nor would I use that church if HELL froze over.
Look, I know the Bible says premarital sex is a sin. I also know that judgement by man is a sin (let he without sin cast the first stone). I know many will be shocked to know I have a pretty strong religious background. I grew up in a Calvary Chapel. When I was young, I remember outside church sermons with Pastor Chuck Smith's booming voice preaching while people wore swimsuits. I've visited Tom Camp's church and sat next to convicted felons and recent prisoners. I've read the Bible and know that Jesus was a friend to sinners- as the Casting Crown songs says. How about Amazing Grace? Jeremy Camp's song says, "let this old life crumble, let it fade. Let this new life offered be your saving grace."
More importantly- the song says, "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..." That's what God has shown us through this. Michael and I have had at least 10 suggestions of churches or offers in less than 24 hours. We've spoken to our friends, preachers and fellow believers. The message has remained strong and steadfast. God loves all of us and this baby is a blessing- not a curse. Our friends have let their lights shine. We've seen grace, mercy and love.
Ill be honest- I've said that this pregnancy has brought me closer to God- more close than I've ever been. I believe that this is a test- just like the forbidden fruit. Will we turn our backs? It scares me to think of what other negative things Satan will throw our way during this journey.
My cousin shared this song with me when we were having complications with our pregnancy. Tenth Avenue North's lyrics say,
Cause ill be by your side whenever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
When Melissa, Jeremy Camp's first wife died of cancer, he wrote Walk By Faith.
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful all of these years
With one breath, you make me new
Your grace covers all I do...
I think we know who is on our side. I won't lie, my feelings are hurt. I'm insulted. I understand that this pastor has his own beliefs. I'm upset that he used the guise of prayer to make this decision.
In the end- we will have a better wedding. It may not be in a church, but you can bet our family and loved ones will be by our side to help us through. I the end- it's a blessing.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
The Test
Let me start by saying that if I have any complications after writing this blog, I'm giving up seriousness forever. The only times I've had emergencies were after a serious blog...
I'm almost 37 and pregnant. Pregnancy after 35 comes with increased risks of miscarriage and birth defects. Apparently, with each year comes higher risks. This means that the doctor has to talk to you about The Test.
The Test now comes in three options: amniocentesis, a probability blood test, and a new chromosome blood test. Each of these tests for birth defects. The amnio has some risk because they stick a huge arse needle in your "belly" and take out some of the baby's fluid. It can cause miscarriage (or poke the baby in the eye?). The probability test is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I taught 5th grade math, so I understand probability. I also suffer from severe anxiety disorder, so I understand "worst case scenario" creating crazy in my brain. Basically, it tests your blood and tells you the probability that your child will have various birth defects. Now, there's a test that looks at the chromosomal make-up of your baby by drawing blood. It's supposedly 99% accurate and bout a year old. This, friends, is my only viable option.
Or is it? Friday we had our most recent ultrasound. We saw the amazing changes in our baby, heard its heartbeat. We could see facial features- like a nose. We saw an arm and a leg. It was amazing.
The Test looks for 4 major chromosomal abnormalities: trisomy 13, 18 and 21 (down's syndrome) and one I can't remember. Trisomy 13 and 18 are severe defects. Many children suffering die in the womb, others die within days or weeks of birth- and have a horrible condition of living. There are very few positive stories for these families.
Growing up, my aunt was a counselor for girls considering abortion. For most of my life, I've known how abortion happens and how horrible it is. I'm the worst Democrat ever- when it comes to this issue. In college, a friend of mine had an abortion- and I couldn't speak to her for years. As many know, Jake had a girlfriend who aborted his child in high school. I am completely opposed to abortion. Interestingly enough- I'm not opposed to euthanasia in severe situations (think: Terri Schiavo). So this puts in me an interesting place.
The doctor is talking to us about The Test and suggests, IF we are to do it, we do it at the next visit. I'll be 16 weeks pregnant. I ask him if one of the 2 major defects show up, what do people do? He says (after a lengthy explanation of the conditions) that some choose to terminate their pregnancy. I immediately start crying. I am ingrained of the horrors of abortion.
The Rainman has a different perspective-for obvious reasons. I live, breathe, eat and sleep each day with one purpose in my life: to care for my baby. He has two people to care for: the baby and me. He's trying to process this with factoring in the risks of losing me. That's an added factor in deciding to test or not to test.
I am wiling to take the risk. If I died in birthing my child- I died doing what God put me on this Earth for: being a parent. Rainman is also more willing to look at a quality of life: would this child be suffering if he or she had Trisomy 13 or 18? If so, is it fair for us to be selfish and allow the suffering?
Two years ago this month, my cat, Terrell, died. Terrell was the best cat- in the world. I knew he was sick, but his condition deteriorated so quickly in 24 hours that I had no idea he was going to die. That last hour, 6 am on a Saturday morning- no vet around open- I held him and tried to make his last moments peaceful. We raced to the vet to be there at 7 when they opened, and he took his last breaths in the parking lot. It was horrible- he suffered and I held him as he struggled to get a breath. About two years prior, his brother-Marshall- got very ill and I was able to get him to the vet. I knew nothing could be done, so they gave him a shot so he would fall asleep and die peacefully.
I know it infuriates people that I'd compare cats to babies. I realize it isn't the same thing- but the moral is. If I could've gotten Terrell to the vet- I would've given him the shot.
If I got The Test- could I make the same decision? Honestly- the answer is no. I believe, in my heart, that a baby suffers during an abortion. I believe I would want- if only for a few moments, weeks or days- to experience parenthood and that my child would be perfect to me.
Fortunately, Rainman can see the pros and cons more clearly than I can. I guess it is a gift that I've chosen a man who believes in women's rights more than I do- because he is allowing me to make this decision. Before writing this blog, I'd say there was a 25% chance I would've had the test....I think putting it into words has helped me decide.
I know my brain- and I know this will remain on a brain burner for a few weeks. I'm thankful I took the time to process it and appreciate that anyone read this whole thing :)
I'm almost 37 and pregnant. Pregnancy after 35 comes with increased risks of miscarriage and birth defects. Apparently, with each year comes higher risks. This means that the doctor has to talk to you about The Test.
The Test now comes in three options: amniocentesis, a probability blood test, and a new chromosome blood test. Each of these tests for birth defects. The amnio has some risk because they stick a huge arse needle in your "belly" and take out some of the baby's fluid. It can cause miscarriage (or poke the baby in the eye?). The probability test is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I taught 5th grade math, so I understand probability. I also suffer from severe anxiety disorder, so I understand "worst case scenario" creating crazy in my brain. Basically, it tests your blood and tells you the probability that your child will have various birth defects. Now, there's a test that looks at the chromosomal make-up of your baby by drawing blood. It's supposedly 99% accurate and bout a year old. This, friends, is my only viable option.
Or is it? Friday we had our most recent ultrasound. We saw the amazing changes in our baby, heard its heartbeat. We could see facial features- like a nose. We saw an arm and a leg. It was amazing.
The Test looks for 4 major chromosomal abnormalities: trisomy 13, 18 and 21 (down's syndrome) and one I can't remember. Trisomy 13 and 18 are severe defects. Many children suffering die in the womb, others die within days or weeks of birth- and have a horrible condition of living. There are very few positive stories for these families.
Growing up, my aunt was a counselor for girls considering abortion. For most of my life, I've known how abortion happens and how horrible it is. I'm the worst Democrat ever- when it comes to this issue. In college, a friend of mine had an abortion- and I couldn't speak to her for years. As many know, Jake had a girlfriend who aborted his child in high school. I am completely opposed to abortion. Interestingly enough- I'm not opposed to euthanasia in severe situations (think: Terri Schiavo). So this puts in me an interesting place.
The doctor is talking to us about The Test and suggests, IF we are to do it, we do it at the next visit. I'll be 16 weeks pregnant. I ask him if one of the 2 major defects show up, what do people do? He says (after a lengthy explanation of the conditions) that some choose to terminate their pregnancy. I immediately start crying. I am ingrained of the horrors of abortion.
The Rainman has a different perspective-for obvious reasons. I live, breathe, eat and sleep each day with one purpose in my life: to care for my baby. He has two people to care for: the baby and me. He's trying to process this with factoring in the risks of losing me. That's an added factor in deciding to test or not to test.
I am wiling to take the risk. If I died in birthing my child- I died doing what God put me on this Earth for: being a parent. Rainman is also more willing to look at a quality of life: would this child be suffering if he or she had Trisomy 13 or 18? If so, is it fair for us to be selfish and allow the suffering?
Two years ago this month, my cat, Terrell, died. Terrell was the best cat- in the world. I knew he was sick, but his condition deteriorated so quickly in 24 hours that I had no idea he was going to die. That last hour, 6 am on a Saturday morning- no vet around open- I held him and tried to make his last moments peaceful. We raced to the vet to be there at 7 when they opened, and he took his last breaths in the parking lot. It was horrible- he suffered and I held him as he struggled to get a breath. About two years prior, his brother-Marshall- got very ill and I was able to get him to the vet. I knew nothing could be done, so they gave him a shot so he would fall asleep and die peacefully.
I know it infuriates people that I'd compare cats to babies. I realize it isn't the same thing- but the moral is. If I could've gotten Terrell to the vet- I would've given him the shot.
If I got The Test- could I make the same decision? Honestly- the answer is no. I believe, in my heart, that a baby suffers during an abortion. I believe I would want- if only for a few moments, weeks or days- to experience parenthood and that my child would be perfect to me.
Fortunately, Rainman can see the pros and cons more clearly than I can. I guess it is a gift that I've chosen a man who believes in women's rights more than I do- because he is allowing me to make this decision. Before writing this blog, I'd say there was a 25% chance I would've had the test....I think putting it into words has helped me decide.
I know my brain- and I know this will remain on a brain burner for a few weeks. I'm thankful I took the time to process it and appreciate that anyone read this whole thing :)
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Random Pregnancy Stuff
This pregnancy thing is not all its cracked up to be. Seriously. I know I've promised to be thankful and appreciative for each day of this process. Folks, I've broken my promise. There are days when I still thank God for being pregnant, but I also want it to go faster. I feel guilty about that, but the truth is, I just want to hold my baby in my arms. I'm so eager to see 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes and a perfect nose (which is a long shot for MY kid). Having better doctor news and seeing a positive ultrasound this week will really ease my worry.
After my last ER trip, my doctor put me on progesterone. Ummm...more hormones? I hope to some day be able to articulate the range of emotions. I think I finally have a legitimate glimpse of BiPolar disorder. It's a teeny glimpse, but emotions are like a roller coaster. I am so quick to lose my temper- but also laugh harder than I ever have. The Rainman ranks my temper like a tornado. Unfortunately- he gets the bulk of it...
In other news- I've eaten a cheeseburger. Three actually. Get this- I even ate a Big Mac. As most people know, I very rarely will eat a burger, but it was a craving. Now- I don't want ANY meat (except bacon...I'm pregnant, not stupid). I got chicken fingers today and threw them away. I'd gladly live off of cereal and grilled cheese. I start each day with either a Whataburger egg sandwich or a Jack's biscuit. Ooh- and I get my one coke of the day each morning. I used to be a huge chocolate person- and I still like it, but I'd take fruity candy first.
Pregnancy also shows who your friends are- where you stand with folks. I've had friends who have checked on me regularly and others who actually interact with me less or not at all. That's ok- but it hasn't been easy. The goal is less stress, and I'm having to accept that I change, they change, life changes. One relationship has really changed- and that's my relationship with God. In church we sing Hillsong's "Cornerstone". One line says, "weak made strong in Savior's love...", that really resonates with me. I cannot sing it in church without crying. It's like God is telling me that it's going to be okay.
My body is really changing- I haven't gained more than a few pounds, but I'm out of my pants. Thank goodness it is finally warmer! I'm now wearing dresses, skirts and even a few maternity pieces.
I appreciate everyone who has lifted us in your prayers. We need them. I also appreciate my friends (DT!!!) for taking out my trash so I don't have to lift it, checking on me, asking me to hang out or offering to bring me dinner. Sometimes just knowing you're on someone's mind fixes it all. I'm also terribly thankful for my colleagues who have really worked to keep a very stressful job- not as stressful.
We will get there... And I promise to continue to be thankful for this process- even on the hardest of days :)
After my last ER trip, my doctor put me on progesterone. Ummm...more hormones? I hope to some day be able to articulate the range of emotions. I think I finally have a legitimate glimpse of BiPolar disorder. It's a teeny glimpse, but emotions are like a roller coaster. I am so quick to lose my temper- but also laugh harder than I ever have. The Rainman ranks my temper like a tornado. Unfortunately- he gets the bulk of it...
In other news- I've eaten a cheeseburger. Three actually. Get this- I even ate a Big Mac. As most people know, I very rarely will eat a burger, but it was a craving. Now- I don't want ANY meat (except bacon...I'm pregnant, not stupid). I got chicken fingers today and threw them away. I'd gladly live off of cereal and grilled cheese. I start each day with either a Whataburger egg sandwich or a Jack's biscuit. Ooh- and I get my one coke of the day each morning. I used to be a huge chocolate person- and I still like it, but I'd take fruity candy first.
Pregnancy also shows who your friends are- where you stand with folks. I've had friends who have checked on me regularly and others who actually interact with me less or not at all. That's ok- but it hasn't been easy. The goal is less stress, and I'm having to accept that I change, they change, life changes. One relationship has really changed- and that's my relationship with God. In church we sing Hillsong's "Cornerstone". One line says, "weak made strong in Savior's love...", that really resonates with me. I cannot sing it in church without crying. It's like God is telling me that it's going to be okay.
My body is really changing- I haven't gained more than a few pounds, but I'm out of my pants. Thank goodness it is finally warmer! I'm now wearing dresses, skirts and even a few maternity pieces.
I appreciate everyone who has lifted us in your prayers. We need them. I also appreciate my friends (DT!!!) for taking out my trash so I don't have to lift it, checking on me, asking me to hang out or offering to bring me dinner. Sometimes just knowing you're on someone's mind fixes it all. I'm also terribly thankful for my colleagues who have really worked to keep a very stressful job- not as stressful.
We will get there... And I promise to continue to be thankful for this process- even on the hardest of days :)
Thursday, March 28, 2013
What have I done to deserve this?
This is a question I've asked many times over the past thirty-six years. When I was 9 (just three days before my birthday), my parents divorce was final. I was crushed and asked myself, "What have I done to deserve this?"
My mom and I did not get along when I was a girl. We fought constantly and my nickname was Jocelyn G. Osborne. The G was for grounded, because I always was. I'm not sure who asked the question more-my mom or me. We were asking, "What have I done to deserve this?"
My friends, Amanda and Angie, were always so much more beautiful than me. They had great hair, beautiful (still are), and great houses. Amanda had the most beautiful voice and could play the piano. Angie had a two-story house and the entire Nancy Drew series... In hardback. I was awkward, couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, and my skills included being the manager of the team. What have I done to deserve this?
My dad was never around, there were days when he never showed. One day he told me (December 22, 1985 in my grandma's kitchen) that I would always be the most important thing in his life. Ten months later, he had another daughter. My "grandfather" was arrested for child molestation charges. My mom remarried when I was 13-I'm pretty sure dealing with my mouth had Paps asking, "What have I done to deserve this?"
My high school sweetheart broke my heart less than a week after taking my virginity. He would constantly reel me back in- and release me. Eventually he crushed me when he impregnated the girl who had the abortion. What have I done to deserve this?
I had to have a job when I was 16. I didn't get a car. I was making tacos at the Taco Bell when I wasn't on the bench managing the volleyball team. My friends were still prettier. I was still awkward in my braces and my fashion sense included boxers and tshirts. What have I done to deserve this?
Our apartment was broken into and we were assaulted. My security was changed for the rest of my life. The house I lived In caught fire and my kitten died. My dad was arrested and was facing 99 years in prison. My brother was revived after dying and had half his lung removed. What in the world have I done to deserve this?
My Jakers killed himself. Sure, our marriage was miserable, but we were best friends. I remember walking to my door late Tuesday night. I'd watched The Guardian with Christy and went home to find the homicide detective's card on my door. Jake was dead. What have I done to deserve this?
For 36 years, I've compared myself to others. She's luckier than I am. Why did she find the man of her dreams? She doesn't come from a broken home? Why did she get a better job? Constantly I've asked about my life, "What have I done to deserve this?"
Now, I have been blessed with a precious baby inside of me. My little baby has ears, new organs, a brain. She or he is moving arms and legs and growing by leaps and bounds. Lord, what have I done to deserve this?
I'm surrounded by beautiful people who pray each day to be blessed with a little one. I have friends who have had multiple miscarriages or can't get pregnant. What have I done to deserve this?
I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I know that my life experiences have taught me to always find a positive learning example in them. I know that the pressure my parents put on me to work gave me an incredible work ethic- and made me the person I am today. I know that maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of answering my lifelong question.
I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I can promise that I am so conscientious of this gift. I try to be thankful in every moment and try to be a better person. I want to be kind and mindful of others. I want to show appreciation for this blessing- and all of the others hidden along the way.
I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'm sure glad I did it.
My mom and I did not get along when I was a girl. We fought constantly and my nickname was Jocelyn G. Osborne. The G was for grounded, because I always was. I'm not sure who asked the question more-my mom or me. We were asking, "What have I done to deserve this?"
My friends, Amanda and Angie, were always so much more beautiful than me. They had great hair, beautiful (still are), and great houses. Amanda had the most beautiful voice and could play the piano. Angie had a two-story house and the entire Nancy Drew series... In hardback. I was awkward, couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, and my skills included being the manager of the team. What have I done to deserve this?
My dad was never around, there were days when he never showed. One day he told me (December 22, 1985 in my grandma's kitchen) that I would always be the most important thing in his life. Ten months later, he had another daughter. My "grandfather" was arrested for child molestation charges. My mom remarried when I was 13-I'm pretty sure dealing with my mouth had Paps asking, "What have I done to deserve this?"
My high school sweetheart broke my heart less than a week after taking my virginity. He would constantly reel me back in- and release me. Eventually he crushed me when he impregnated the girl who had the abortion. What have I done to deserve this?
I had to have a job when I was 16. I didn't get a car. I was making tacos at the Taco Bell when I wasn't on the bench managing the volleyball team. My friends were still prettier. I was still awkward in my braces and my fashion sense included boxers and tshirts. What have I done to deserve this?
Our apartment was broken into and we were assaulted. My security was changed for the rest of my life. The house I lived In caught fire and my kitten died. My dad was arrested and was facing 99 years in prison. My brother was revived after dying and had half his lung removed. What in the world have I done to deserve this?
My Jakers killed himself. Sure, our marriage was miserable, but we were best friends. I remember walking to my door late Tuesday night. I'd watched The Guardian with Christy and went home to find the homicide detective's card on my door. Jake was dead. What have I done to deserve this?
For 36 years, I've compared myself to others. She's luckier than I am. Why did she find the man of her dreams? She doesn't come from a broken home? Why did she get a better job? Constantly I've asked about my life, "What have I done to deserve this?"
Now, I have been blessed with a precious baby inside of me. My little baby has ears, new organs, a brain. She or he is moving arms and legs and growing by leaps and bounds. Lord, what have I done to deserve this?
I'm surrounded by beautiful people who pray each day to be blessed with a little one. I have friends who have had multiple miscarriages or can't get pregnant. What have I done to deserve this?
I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I know that my life experiences have taught me to always find a positive learning example in them. I know that the pressure my parents put on me to work gave me an incredible work ethic- and made me the person I am today. I know that maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of answering my lifelong question.
I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I can promise that I am so conscientious of this gift. I try to be thankful in every moment and try to be a better person. I want to be kind and mindful of others. I want to show appreciation for this blessing- and all of the others hidden along the way.
I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'm sure glad I did it.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
What to Expect When Expecting...
Would you believe the book has nearly three pages on mood swings in month 2? If not, you haven't been around me this week. Holy cow!!
If my head starts spinning and I puke green pea soup- I would not be surprised. I am almost embarrassed at how horrible I am. Why? I am so thankful, and it is horrible to behave this way. I've pent the last two evenings hiding at home with the animals and my DVR. Stupid things make me SO angry- I mean, really pissed off. Thankfully I was given teeth to bite my tongue with. My eyes do this blur thing and I feel like I'm turning into the Hulk. Lets just say its a good thing the legislature has been quiet this week :)
The flip side of this is when I'm good- I'm good. I'm smiling and laughing more, things are way funnier. Also things that should upset me or make me cry- aren't. I've been incredibly calm about some major stressors. I've gained a new appreciation for someone with BiPolar .
Of course, the food aversions continue to be humorous. For example- my two favorite sandwiches are Zoe's chicken salad and Newk's pimento cheese. Well, they were my two favorite sandwiches. The thought of them make ill. I tried the pimento cheese the other day and scraped all if the cheese off. I craved spaghetti (remember?), can't finish a plate of it now.
My daily Coke is like manna from Heaven. It soothes my stomach and tastes so very good. I only drink one, so I try to savor it. Jellybeans and Mike and Ike's Cherry/Bub are really helpful right now too.
I used to LOVE warm softbatch cookies with milk, now I prefer a Chips Ahoy. What?! Ive also been craving cantalope, but I'm way too lazy to buy one and cut it. guess I'll stick with breakfast foods and nachos for now.
Tomorrow is the 8 week mark. Ill celebrate it by seeing my parents and nieces and nephew!!! Hopefully they'll keep me in a great mood :)
If my head starts spinning and I puke green pea soup- I would not be surprised. I am almost embarrassed at how horrible I am. Why? I am so thankful, and it is horrible to behave this way. I've pent the last two evenings hiding at home with the animals and my DVR. Stupid things make me SO angry- I mean, really pissed off. Thankfully I was given teeth to bite my tongue with. My eyes do this blur thing and I feel like I'm turning into the Hulk. Lets just say its a good thing the legislature has been quiet this week :)
The flip side of this is when I'm good- I'm good. I'm smiling and laughing more, things are way funnier. Also things that should upset me or make me cry- aren't. I've been incredibly calm about some major stressors. I've gained a new appreciation for someone with BiPolar .
Of course, the food aversions continue to be humorous. For example- my two favorite sandwiches are Zoe's chicken salad and Newk's pimento cheese. Well, they were my two favorite sandwiches. The thought of them make ill. I tried the pimento cheese the other day and scraped all if the cheese off. I craved spaghetti (remember?), can't finish a plate of it now.
My daily Coke is like manna from Heaven. It soothes my stomach and tastes so very good. I only drink one, so I try to savor it. Jellybeans and Mike and Ike's Cherry/Bub are really helpful right now too.
I used to LOVE warm softbatch cookies with milk, now I prefer a Chips Ahoy. What?! Ive also been craving cantalope, but I'm way too lazy to buy one and cut it. guess I'll stick with breakfast foods and nachos for now.
Tomorrow is the 8 week mark. Ill celebrate it by seeing my parents and nieces and nephew!!! Hopefully they'll keep me in a great mood :)
Monday, March 18, 2013
Too blessed to be stressed...
Wow. Those words sound so good, and honestly, I wish they were true. Don't get me wrong, I'm so amazingly blessed- I can't think it enough day- let alone say it. It's that dang stress.
In 2000, I married my high school sweetheart. We dated off and on for nearly ten years before we tied the knot. I've never felt love like that puppy love that starts at 14. It's ridiculous and has no boundaries or sense. Jake was an amazing guy- everyone loved him. He was charismatic, funny, gorgeous, and could be the biggest ass in the world. Often, his crooked smile got him out of trouble. Jake was BiPolar, and it was an incredibly difficult illness to face. I have so many stories of the negatives of our marriage, but I also have so many fond memories. We found a renewal of faith together- thanks to a police detective that helped us after a break-in. We started leading the high school class at church, I was baptized, and we were ultimately married in that church. Sadly, our faith ended up as weak as our marriage. I lost Jake forever on May 5, 2002. He took his own life- the battle of our marriage, the independence he never found, the highs and the lows of his illness. Jake lost a child in high school- a girl he dated got pregnant, and eventually had an abortion without telling him. I think about that child all the time. I say child, but we'd have a teenager today if she hadn't made that choice. I think about the years of our marriage that we could've easily gotten pregnant, and yet we didn't. Are you there God? It's me, Jocelyn. I've received that message.
After losing Jake, I moved on. I dated a fellow for about 7 years, and gave up my dream to become a parent- to give birth. It was my own choice, but I did it to keep things happy. We almost fostered, but weren't allowed to because we were unwed. I decided I'd focus on my career and be an aunt.
I can't believe I've been given this chance. I'm going to be a mom, I'm pregnant. I'm so blessed. I feel with every fiber in my being that this baby, Williebird or The General, have God's hands wrapped around, protecting, blessing, loving. I've never felt closer to God as I do at this very moment. I talk to him as I shower, drive, at random moments, and as my last thought of the day.
I suffer from severe anxiety disorder- and I'm without medication. Sure- that means I may worry more than the average person, but I feel blessed.
Last night, I was walking with Tank outside, considering my next blog, thinking about sharing how blessed I am. I came inside and went to the restroom...and noticed I was spotting. I'm not going to lie- I was CRAZY. We called the doctor, googled every symptom I had- and then we did something we've never done before. We prayed together. I sobbed out our prayer as Michael and I held hands. I sobbed as I read the scripture that I claim as mine. Phil 4:6 says "Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything-by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I thought about our church sermon yesterday of feeling at the cross. There was NOTHING I could do. Nothing. I could pray and trust and turn it over to God.
Friends, I'm the biggest control freak you've ever met. I had 10 hours before the doctor's office would open. Somehow, I calmed down. I even slept. Sure, I made 1,000,000,000,000 trips to the bathroom. I slept.
My doctors office had me come in. We did an ultrasound again. I heard the heartbeat- again. I saw my baby's heart, I saw a picture of my healthy little peanut. My doctor did an exam. I'm fine, no bleeding, nothing to worry about. My peanut, our Peanut, is just perfect. We're growing 1mm a day, developing facial features, fingers and toes, perfect.
I'm so blessed. I'm also crazy- and sometimes that wins, but I'm so blessed. Ill never be able, in a trillion years, to thank God enough for this opportunity. The opportunity that I once blew- the one I thought I'd never have. I promise Him that I'll be the best mom ever, and love my baby with all I've got.
I've had no morning sickness and haven't had regular spotting- this was isolated. I think so much about my friends who live with this worry each day, or who haven't had the chance to worry about puking or spotting. It makes me even more thankful.
I know I've, we've, got a long road ahead of us. I don't want to rush this along- but I'll be thankful when my peanut is here to hold. After that I will worry about falls, bumps, bruises, bullies and even driving, one day. I don't want to miss this- any of this.
I am so blessed. I really am. I have family and friends praying for us. We have the support of loved ones literally from coast-to-coast. Every day won't be easy, and I may have some low days- but I'm blessed.
I hope you'll continue to pray for us. This journey is so scary- I won't lie. However- I've got a friend upstairs who is cuddling, protecting and blessing my little peanut. This is HIS child, creation. I'm so blessed. Maybe, just maybe- I'm too blessed to be stressed.
In 2000, I married my high school sweetheart. We dated off and on for nearly ten years before we tied the knot. I've never felt love like that puppy love that starts at 14. It's ridiculous and has no boundaries or sense. Jake was an amazing guy- everyone loved him. He was charismatic, funny, gorgeous, and could be the biggest ass in the world. Often, his crooked smile got him out of trouble. Jake was BiPolar, and it was an incredibly difficult illness to face. I have so many stories of the negatives of our marriage, but I also have so many fond memories. We found a renewal of faith together- thanks to a police detective that helped us after a break-in. We started leading the high school class at church, I was baptized, and we were ultimately married in that church. Sadly, our faith ended up as weak as our marriage. I lost Jake forever on May 5, 2002. He took his own life- the battle of our marriage, the independence he never found, the highs and the lows of his illness. Jake lost a child in high school- a girl he dated got pregnant, and eventually had an abortion without telling him. I think about that child all the time. I say child, but we'd have a teenager today if she hadn't made that choice. I think about the years of our marriage that we could've easily gotten pregnant, and yet we didn't. Are you there God? It's me, Jocelyn. I've received that message.
After losing Jake, I moved on. I dated a fellow for about 7 years, and gave up my dream to become a parent- to give birth. It was my own choice, but I did it to keep things happy. We almost fostered, but weren't allowed to because we were unwed. I decided I'd focus on my career and be an aunt.
I can't believe I've been given this chance. I'm going to be a mom, I'm pregnant. I'm so blessed. I feel with every fiber in my being that this baby, Williebird or The General, have God's hands wrapped around, protecting, blessing, loving. I've never felt closer to God as I do at this very moment. I talk to him as I shower, drive, at random moments, and as my last thought of the day.
I suffer from severe anxiety disorder- and I'm without medication. Sure- that means I may worry more than the average person, but I feel blessed.
Last night, I was walking with Tank outside, considering my next blog, thinking about sharing how blessed I am. I came inside and went to the restroom...and noticed I was spotting. I'm not going to lie- I was CRAZY. We called the doctor, googled every symptom I had- and then we did something we've never done before. We prayed together. I sobbed out our prayer as Michael and I held hands. I sobbed as I read the scripture that I claim as mine. Phil 4:6 says "Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything-by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I thought about our church sermon yesterday of feeling at the cross. There was NOTHING I could do. Nothing. I could pray and trust and turn it over to God.
Friends, I'm the biggest control freak you've ever met. I had 10 hours before the doctor's office would open. Somehow, I calmed down. I even slept. Sure, I made 1,000,000,000,000 trips to the bathroom. I slept.
My doctors office had me come in. We did an ultrasound again. I heard the heartbeat- again. I saw my baby's heart, I saw a picture of my healthy little peanut. My doctor did an exam. I'm fine, no bleeding, nothing to worry about. My peanut, our Peanut, is just perfect. We're growing 1mm a day, developing facial features, fingers and toes, perfect.
I'm so blessed. I'm also crazy- and sometimes that wins, but I'm so blessed. Ill never be able, in a trillion years, to thank God enough for this opportunity. The opportunity that I once blew- the one I thought I'd never have. I promise Him that I'll be the best mom ever, and love my baby with all I've got.
I've had no morning sickness and haven't had regular spotting- this was isolated. I think so much about my friends who live with this worry each day, or who haven't had the chance to worry about puking or spotting. It makes me even more thankful.
I know I've, we've, got a long road ahead of us. I don't want to rush this along- but I'll be thankful when my peanut is here to hold. After that I will worry about falls, bumps, bruises, bullies and even driving, one day. I don't want to miss this- any of this.
I am so blessed. I really am. I have family and friends praying for us. We have the support of loved ones literally from coast-to-coast. Every day won't be easy, and I may have some low days- but I'm blessed.
I hope you'll continue to pray for us. This journey is so scary- I won't lie. However- I've got a friend upstairs who is cuddling, protecting and blessing my little peanut. This is HIS child, creation. I'm so blessed. Maybe, just maybe- I'm too blessed to be stressed.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Cupcakes to pancakes
Wow! What an exciting week :) Honestly, life has been such a whirlwind since I found out I was pregant. BUT- seeing the first ultrasound, hearing the baby's heartbeat and the amazing feedback we've received tells me- I'm having the best week ever!
I really want to try to blog more so that I can remember this being pregnant thing and see how things change :)
So, I hear all about this morning sickness thing- yep, only hear about it. Leave it to the fat chick to have ZERO morning sickness. Sure, some mornings I'm a little queasy. I've yet to throw up though (or shrew up as our Mexican tour guide said- that costs $20).
I have, however, had some interesting food aversions. Well, let me back-up. The first thing I looked at when I found out I was pregnant was what foods to avoid. What was the first thing? QUESO. That's like telling a bird to avoid birdseed or a shark to become a vegetarian. No QUESO?!? Apparently, it's a soft cheese- unpasteurized- listeria? So I gave it up. I also gave up lunch meat, Crystal light, sweet tea and diet sodas. (Yea-that wasn't much of a sacrifice).
My gym BFF, Brenna, kept telling me she ate it with her twins and they are ok, but being nervous Nellie. I avoided it. Then I saw the doctor. I brought out my list of questions:
-what kind of prenatal vitamins should I take?
-when am I due?
-how often will I see him?
-can I have QUESO?
Apparently, US QUESO is safe. It's the QUESO in Mexico I should avoid (duh!). I also heard him say avoid Whole Foods... Or maybe just their fresh cheeses. WHEW!!!!!!
Anyway, aversions. At first, I didn't want any sweets. I was skipping the most important part of a meal- dessert. That was sort of hard to hide when I went to Pink with my gym gals. We celebrated my birthday at the restaurant with a brownie that's probably to die for, but I only took a couple of bites. I didn't even go out and buy every new bag of jelly beans available. Last year, I think we bought 10-15 bags of different jelly beans. Heck- I haven't even had a Cadbury Creme Egg.
Fortunately, that phase passed. Now I'm in the breakfast food phase. I start my morning with a Whataburger egg sandwich and my lone source of caffeine for the day- one small real coke. I could probably eat pancakes for every meal...or Waffle House. Of course I am settling for cereal and Toaster Strudels :)
The idea of anything fast food beyond egg, cheese and some bread sounds disgusting. Okay- except Taco Bell. Donuts and bacon sound amazing. Then there are the things that just hit me wrong. Example- Full Moon chicken tenders and Full Moon ranch. They just gross me out right now.
I've been craving spaghetti, poached eggs, peanut butter and jelly and my moms chicken casserole... Not together, of course. I've also found that those little Reese Easter eggs (not the big ones, the 2 bite ones) calm an upset stomach. So does yogurt- but Reese eggs are more fun ;)
I really want to try to blog more so that I can remember this being pregnant thing and see how things change :)
So, I hear all about this morning sickness thing- yep, only hear about it. Leave it to the fat chick to have ZERO morning sickness. Sure, some mornings I'm a little queasy. I've yet to throw up though (or shrew up as our Mexican tour guide said- that costs $20).
I have, however, had some interesting food aversions. Well, let me back-up. The first thing I looked at when I found out I was pregnant was what foods to avoid. What was the first thing? QUESO. That's like telling a bird to avoid birdseed or a shark to become a vegetarian. No QUESO?!? Apparently, it's a soft cheese- unpasteurized- listeria? So I gave it up. I also gave up lunch meat, Crystal light, sweet tea and diet sodas. (Yea-that wasn't much of a sacrifice).
My gym BFF, Brenna, kept telling me she ate it with her twins and they are ok, but being nervous Nellie. I avoided it. Then I saw the doctor. I brought out my list of questions:
-what kind of prenatal vitamins should I take?
-when am I due?
-how often will I see him?
-can I have QUESO?
Apparently, US QUESO is safe. It's the QUESO in Mexico I should avoid (duh!). I also heard him say avoid Whole Foods... Or maybe just their fresh cheeses. WHEW!!!!!!
Anyway, aversions. At first, I didn't want any sweets. I was skipping the most important part of a meal- dessert. That was sort of hard to hide when I went to Pink with my gym gals. We celebrated my birthday at the restaurant with a brownie that's probably to die for, but I only took a couple of bites. I didn't even go out and buy every new bag of jelly beans available. Last year, I think we bought 10-15 bags of different jelly beans. Heck- I haven't even had a Cadbury Creme Egg.
Fortunately, that phase passed. Now I'm in the breakfast food phase. I start my morning with a Whataburger egg sandwich and my lone source of caffeine for the day- one small real coke. I could probably eat pancakes for every meal...or Waffle House. Of course I am settling for cereal and Toaster Strudels :)
The idea of anything fast food beyond egg, cheese and some bread sounds disgusting. Okay- except Taco Bell. Donuts and bacon sound amazing. Then there are the things that just hit me wrong. Example- Full Moon chicken tenders and Full Moon ranch. They just gross me out right now.
I've been craving spaghetti, poached eggs, peanut butter and jelly and my moms chicken casserole... Not together, of course. I've also found that those little Reese Easter eggs (not the big ones, the 2 bite ones) calm an upset stomach. So does yogurt- but Reese eggs are more fun ;)
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