An Angel is born.... Or at least moves home

I was so sad to see the news that Mike Marion passed away. I know many of you never met Mike, and maybe you're wondering just who he is. 

In Late January of 1999, we had a break-in. I was living with Jake and Drew at the time and some ass decided to bring three friends and crash into our apartment. We were all assaulted and this day, nearly 14 years later, I can see the face of the "guard" standing outside our door to stop us. Fortunately, the ass who instigated this was one of my middle school crushes- I'd have known him anywhere. We called the police, went to the hospital (mostly because Drew's Samson locks were covered in blood). 

The West Lafayette Police Department assigned a detective to our case. I won't lie- it scared me to death. I didn't want to leave home, go to class or be around anyone. Jake bought a gun...THE GUN. 

So this detective was an amazing woman. Her name is Cindy. Cindy Marion. We weren't the easiest victims to deal with. I was needy and the guys wanted to pretend it didn't happen. 

Cindy helped us through all of it. She helped us when I was driving one day and saw the "guard" guy sitting on a front porch. She helped us through the court case and testifying. More importantly, she got Jake and I through it. 

She invited us to church. Us to church. Back then, that was like inviting a chicken to Chic-Fil-A. I mean, she was a police detective- we HAD to go. Right? She then introduced us to her family...and Mike. 

Mike became like a father to us, they both became like parents. They kept us coming to church. They mentored us, encouraged us and helped us as a couple, as Christians and as people. 

We became Sunday School teachers for the teens. I was baptized. We stayed active in the church. Our relationship with the Marions grew. They were present when we got married and supported us as we tried to be successful. They were there for me when Jake used THE GUN to take his own life. 

I guess I cut many people in my life out when he died. It was my way of moving on...I haven't talked to our pastor from Lafayette. I didn't socialize with my hometown friends for almost 10 years. I was timid each time I went to the mall, because I might run into someone. 

Just a few months ago, Cindy sent me a friend request on Facebook. It was great to see an update on their lives, how the kids have grown and how Cindy and Mike haven't changed. It was so sad to learn that Mike was ill. 

I wish I had taken the opportunity to thank Mike for making a difference in my life. I never thanked him for being a role model, a father figure and a friend. 

There's no doubt that Mike is in Heaven. He might even have an extra special seat. The cool part for me is I know that he's seen Jake. 

Thank you, Mike. I'm not sure who I would be without the influence of you. Maybe I wouldn't have the same relationship with God, maybe Jake and I would've never married, maybe I wouldn't be a week and a half away from becoming a bride again, or months away from becoming a mother. 

I regret that I never said this to him...or Cindy. Do me a favor- tell someone who has made an impact in you "thanks". Don't wait until it is too late. 

It's a girl?!?

I'm not going to lie, I never thought it was a girl. It was hard for me to imagine myself as the mother of a girl. I always assumed it was a boy. I. Was. Wrong.

I was an incredibly difficult daughter. When my parents were still married, I knew I was a daddy's girl and how to work it...even if it caused problems for my parents. After my parents divorced, I was a terror to my mom. I was mean, mouthy and a brat. I was (am) strong-willed, independent and wanted my way. 

Around the time I became a teenager, my "grandpa" molested two girls. We often joked he never touched me because I would've hurt him. It changed how I felt about men, I became scared around all older men. 

My mom and stepdad were hard on me. I had to (gasp!) get a job by the age of 16. I was grounded constantly. I had to maintain good grades. 

I did stupid things: I had sex way too young, I got mad at my mom and drank facial astringent, I ran away. I was still mouthy- heck, I was mouthier.

I didn't learn to appreciate my mom until after my husband died. I then dated a guy with a daughter for about 7 years. She was a daddy's girl that could get anything with the word"daaaaaaeeeey". It was my lone shot at parenting, and I sucked. 

I was so hard on Christina. Argued with her over stuff that didn't need to be argued about, stood my ground when I didn't need to. Sometimes i didn't even giver her a chance to explain. 

I also had amazing experiences with her- she went to protest at the school board with me, she developed her own mind, we took road trips together, shopped for baggy jeans, went to the beach, and ate at the Waffle House in pj pants. 

I knew why my mom was "hard" on me. I knew what she hoped and dreamed for me, and who she wanted me to become. 

The good news is that I turned out pretty darn well. I'm independent, successful and smart. I've become my own future and managed to overcome the challenges in my life. My mom did a good job.

Christina is a pretty great kid. She's smart, independent and incredibly hardworking. 

I'm going to have a baby girl. I'm going to have a chance to do this start to finish. I know she will be a daddy's girl. There's no doubt in my mind. I just hope she will be a little bit of a momma's girl too. I hope I can teach her my passion for reading. I hope she, like me, will be involved at school, outspoken for what she believes in and a little independent. 

I also hope she will be a little bit girly. I sure wasn't! I wore boxer shorts and t-shirts all if the time, I borrowed my dad's jeans to wear. I still don't wear make-up. My Christina is a lot like me. She loved Aetnies skateboard shoes, baggy jeans, and tshirts. One of our bigger disagreements was because she was supposed to wear a dress to 5th grade graduation and she refused. 

I hope Harper Grace will be a little bit tomboy- love sports. I also hope she will want a pedicure every now and then. 

I'm not ready to think about boys, periods or broken hearts. What if she wants to ride a party bus to prom? Go tanning at a young age? What if she wants to ride to the beach with her friends? Wears booty shorts? Reads Danielle Steele at 13? 

Truth is-we will be blessed if she turns out like Christina, but she won't. She's going to turn out like Harper Grace Logan. I'll be blessed to have part in raising two girls. My challenge is to learn from my mistakes :) 

I am so excited to know I'm having a baby girl. God has blessed me in ways I couldn't have dreamed of. I just need to get this right, and I will. I have my mom to help. 

Well piss!

First off, I can't believe I'm telling this story. Frankly, it's too good to keep a secret. I better start with some background information. You see, I hate the word poop. It disgusts me. I once dated a guy with a toothless stepdad. Have you ever seen a toothless person say that word? I mean, just go stand in front of a mirror and say it. Your mouth, especially the toothless, looks like a butthole when you say it. We will not use that word with the baby and I sure don't use it now. I'd rather you use crap, shit, caca Sri Lanka, deuce, dump, or go Auburn. My siblings (especially Brandon) love to say it long and slow. EW! The only thing worse is someone else's crap. My poor niece used to hate for me to wipe her butt because I'd gag. She'd actually praise me when I didn't. 

So, having said that, remember I'm pregnant and have a much stronger gag reflex. Today we go to the Annual Michael Chicken Stew (that's Heaven in a bowl, by the way). After we leave we have a couple of errands to run- so I decide to potty before we leave. As I hit the bathroom door, I knew I'd be holding my breath during this pee break. Clearly someone had just (as my brother says) dropped the kids off in the pool. Oh but it's so much worse! They. Didn't. Flush. I'm trying to flush the toilet and with every gag, I pee myself just a little. The gagging got worse and so did the pee. Now I'm just trying to avoid pissing all over their floor. Well...after quickly peeing, I try to flush again. People- this was the cockroach of the crap world. That dang stuff is still floating and I'm still gagging. The bottom line: I both peed myself and puked over this load, but I flushed that biznitch! 

Frankly, it's the best pee story I have. It ranks above peeing myself while being spanked by my uncle, rolling in snow while walking home from school to hide my peed pants, or peeing on my cousin's porch because they didn't answer the door quick enough. 

Ill be in Depends before 40... And in the meantime, I'll carry some extra panties with me. 

Pregnancy Trickery (LIES!!)

I'm so thankful to be pregnant, I cannot thank God enough times in a day. Having said that- people are keeping secrets from the non-pregnant. I'm going to reveal a few of this lies- expose them for what they really are. I mean, seriously, it is not puppy dogs and butterflies!!

Lie 1: Your hair and nails grow and are beautiful. 

This is one of the biggest lies EVER. My hair may be growing- but only my nose hairs. Seriously, I'm starting to look like a 90 year old grandpa. I'm terrified to expose my ears for fear that, they too, have developed a toupee of hair. 

My regular hair is hideous. Imagine a Brillo pad. Yep- it is a bit like straw, coarse, sticking out in ways that a curling iron or flat iron could never fix. It hasn't grown into beautiful locks like Rapunzel. It's more of the Scarecrow. This, my friends, is why pregnant women always chop off their hair. 

Did I mention my scalp? If not, it's because I am mortified at the ummmm...well, lets just say the snow showers falling from my head. My scalp is do DRY. Yes, I've tried different shampoos. It's disgusting! 

So, you'd think if my scalp was dry- my face would be too. Right? WRONG! My face looks like I've dipped it in a vat of grease. It is covered in zits, constantly oily and blotchy. 

Lie 2: You get a burst of energy in your second trimester.

Nope. Still exhausted. I get tired walking from my car to my apartment. I basically refuse to grocery shop for more than one bag of stuff at a time. There's no way I'm making more than one trip. 

Lie 3: The baby moves off of your bladder. 

Ha! I'm excited when I sleep for 5 hours without a pee break. My baby either stayed on my bladder, or packed my bladder up and took it on the trip. 

Lie 4: You can eat what you want

This is a lie because IF anything sounded good, maybe you could eat what you want. Too bad nothing sounds good. I mean, I'm content with breakfast food, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and icees. I can never decide what sounds good, but I can tell you what sounds horrible! 

Best example: I turned down a piece of Zoe's chocolate cake because it sounded "too rich".

Lies by omission:

There are some things no one is kind enough to ever mention...

I've gained like 3 pounds and am HUGE. It's no secret I'm having a baby. It looks like I'm having a football team. I though you had to gain weight to be extra fat?

Oh my gosh. No one tells you that you'll hate smokers. I mean- want to punch them in the face with your car kind of hate. It takes every ounce of control to not cuss out people who smoke in my walking space. Kill your own lungs, a-holes. Don't blow your carcinogens into MY baby's lungs.  

No one really tells you about the mood swings. It's like you're looking from the outside and you just wait for your head to spin and green pea soup to fly out of your mouth. Anger comes so quick at times. Ooh- and you cry about everything. It isn't just the Sarah Maclachlan animal shelter commercials anymore. I cry about EVERYTHING. 

Of course, no one tells you about the worries. You know what to worry about in the first trimester, but the rest? Learn it on your own. Facebook and the Internet don't help. Facebook has every kid with any ailment and you want to pray for that family- and at the same time you want to be selfish and just hope it isn't your child. 

What? You got a paper cut? If you google it, you'll see the effects of your cut on your pregnancy and every horror story about pregnant women, paper cuts and the fact they had to have the cut body part amputated. 

Yep. That's just some of the truth about pregnancy. I kept it clean. Maybe someday Ill write my promised book and tell about the stuff NO ONE mentions. 

PS. Kelly...this blog is for you :)

PPS. I found yet another zit while taking a pee break from blog writing. 

Just give me a reason...

Wow, how a year changes everything. One year ago, I had no earthly clue which direction my life was heading. 35 (on the eve of 36), unmarried, no children, and just beginning to start whipping my body into shape. My family was really hitting the skids. Rainman and I were trying to figure out if "we" were right. I wasn't happy with life. 

Now, I'm not talking miserable unhappy or suicide unhappy- just blah. I started to realize that a career isn't your life. That was an interesting pill to swallow. It was just me and Tank- and growing old was scary. I wasn't putting any effort into my relationship and the Rainman wasn't either. 

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough

Just a second we're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again...

Man! I love Pink! This song hits me EVERY single time I hear it. This song was me. It was us. We had to get over a hurdle of laziness and apathy to make our relationship work. 

It's in the stars

It's been written in the scars on our hearts

I wish I could describe the change for us. We reconnected- focused on talking TO each other, spending time together (and not just in the same room). We changed our talk from mine and his to "ours". 

There's more than empty sheets between our love

Our love, our love

We decided in October that 2013 would be our year for a baby. Obviously, we thought it would take a while. WE started talking marriage and engagement. It wasn't just me talking anymore. We knew we'd be engaged by June of 2013. 

In February of 2013, two amazing things happened. First, we found a church that we both love. Then, we found out a baby was coming!!! 

Let me be clear- we were SHOCKED. Without being graphic, we'd only been trying for less than a month and we only see each other on the weekends. It was the best surprise. Ever. 

I never dreamed that I'd be a mom. Well, I dreamed it- but it's the same kind of dream as winning the lottery or marrying Adam Levine. I just didn't think it would ever happen. 

Tonight- as I sit on the eve of birthday #37, I'm so blessed. More than words, picture, song or dance. My life is so near perfection. Im engaged, WE are getting married on July 6 and Baby Logan will arrive in just 5 months!! 

I now have an inkling of what's to come- feelings I never imagined are filling my heart and mind. Rainman and I are enjoying this journey together- with the support of our families. My life has done a complete 180. 

I have so many wishes for this next year- a healthy baby, a happy marriage- the continued peace in my family and well-being of loved ones. 

Somewhere is the saying about waking up and only having what you thanked God for the night before. I try to remember that when my head hits the pillow each night. I know it won't be easy...I've never been a mom before, both Rainman and I are used to living alone and being independent. We've never shared such a responsibility and we'll be doing it in our first year of marriage. 

I know we can do it. I know it. I have faith that THIS is the blessing I've waited 37 years for. We have the most amazing prayer warriors on our side, and we have God on our side.

I can't wait to reflect one year from tonight. Will my heart manage to be any fuller? Will my joy and thankfulness make me explode? I'm eager to see. 

The best birthday gift ANYONE can give me- is the gift of prayer. Prayer for a healthy baby, prayer blessings over my marriage and my family. 

I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them...

This Little Light of Mine

Yea, yea, yea. You had to know a blog was coming about the church drama. Around Easter, Michael and I decided to start planning our wedding. We looked at a destination wedding in California, considered Nashville or Gatlinburg- but settled on sweet home Alabama. Yes, my family would have a bit of a drive (but a free place to stay). This is Michael's first (and only wedding) so his family got extra weight in this decision.

We considered a state park wedding, small chapels, or sights in Birmingham. However, we want a small (read: inexpensive) wedding and decided to see if we could use his aunt and uncle's church. They've attended this little white church in Cullman forever and it was perfect for us. Plus, that would be special for them.

The church voted that we could use the church on July 6. We wanted to speak to the preacher to see if he was comfortable marrying us because of my "condition". Sooooo, we visited the church yesterday. I was so stressed about it- apparently my gut was right.

We met with the pastor after the service. He told us he'd have to pray about it because he's never been asked to marry a pregnant couple before and wanted to hear from God. He did reassure us, however, that the church had voted and we could use it. He used the word sin about a billion times. So much, that my feelings were starting to get hurt. His sermon that day was about sin and forgiveness. Ummm, hello? I finally, in my most polite Republican voice, agreed with him that I felt if Jesus forgave us- so should man. I went on to explain (meekly and very unlike me) that clearly God forgave us because he blessed us with a child.

Last night, he told Michael's aunt and uncle that he would NOT marry us AND that he was going to ask the church to vote again to see if we could still use their facility. No thank you. Obviously, we didn't want to see them hurt further by church members. Nor would I use that church if HELL froze over.

Look, I know the Bible says premarital sex is a sin. I also know that judgement by man is a sin (let he without sin cast the first stone). I know many will be shocked to know I have a pretty strong religious background. I grew up in a Calvary Chapel. When I was young, I remember outside church sermons with Pastor Chuck Smith's booming voice preaching while people wore swimsuits. I've visited Tom Camp's church and sat next to convicted felons and recent prisoners. I've read the Bible and know that Jesus was a friend to sinners- as the Casting Crown songs says. How about Amazing Grace? Jeremy Camp's song says, "let this old life crumble, let it fade. Let this new life offered be your saving grace."

More importantly- the song says, "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..." That's what God has shown us through this. Michael and I have had at least 10 suggestions of churches or offers in less than 24 hours. We've spoken to our friends, preachers and fellow believers. The message has remained strong and steadfast. God loves all of us and this baby is a blessing- not a curse. Our friends have let their lights shine. We've seen grace, mercy and love.

Ill be honest- I've said that this pregnancy has brought me closer to God- more close than I've ever been. I believe that this is a test- just like the forbidden fruit. Will we turn our backs? It scares me to think of what other negative things Satan will throw our way during this journey.

My cousin shared this song with me when we were having complications with our pregnancy. Tenth Avenue North's lyrics say,

Cause ill be by your side whenever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

When Melissa, Jeremy Camp's first wife died of cancer, he wrote Walk By Faith.

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful all of these years
With one breath, you make me new
Your grace covers all I do...

I think we know who is on our side. I won't lie, my feelings are hurt. I'm insulted. I understand that this pastor has his own beliefs. I'm upset that he used the guise of prayer to make this decision.

In the end- we will have a better wedding. It may not be in a church, but you can bet our family and loved ones will be by our side to help us through. I the end- it's a blessing.

The Test

Let me start by saying that if I have any complications after writing this blog, I'm giving up seriousness forever. The only times I've had emergencies were after a serious blog...

I'm almost 37 and pregnant. Pregnancy after 35 comes with increased risks of miscarriage and birth defects. Apparently, with each year comes higher risks. This means that the doctor has to talk to you about The Test.

The Test now comes in three options: amniocentesis, a probability blood test, and a new chromosome blood test. Each of these tests for birth defects. The amnio has some risk because they stick a huge arse needle in your "belly" and take out some of the baby's fluid. It can cause miscarriage (or poke the baby in the eye?). The probability test is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I taught 5th grade math, so I understand probability. I also suffer from severe anxiety disorder, so I understand "worst case scenario" creating crazy in my brain. Basically, it tests your blood and tells you the probability that your child will have various birth defects. Now, there's a test that looks at the chromosomal make-up of your baby by drawing blood. It's supposedly 99% accurate and bout a year old. This, friends, is my only viable option.

Or is it? Friday we had our most recent ultrasound. We saw the amazing changes in our baby, heard its heartbeat. We could see facial features- like a nose. We saw an arm and a leg. It was amazing.

The Test looks for 4 major chromosomal abnormalities: trisomy 13, 18 and 21 (down's syndrome) and one I can't remember. Trisomy 13 and 18 are severe defects. Many children suffering die in the womb, others die within days or weeks of birth- and have a horrible condition of living. There are very few positive stories for these families.

Growing up, my aunt was a counselor for girls considering abortion. For most of my life, I've known how abortion happens and how horrible it is. I'm the worst Democrat ever- when it comes to this issue. In college, a friend of mine had an abortion- and I couldn't speak to her for years. As many know, Jake had a girlfriend who aborted his child in high school. I am completely opposed to abortion. Interestingly enough- I'm not opposed to euthanasia in severe situations (think: Terri Schiavo). So this puts in me an interesting place.

The doctor is talking to us about The Test and suggests, IF we are to do it, we do it at the next visit. I'll be 16 weeks pregnant. I ask him if one of the 2 major defects show up, what do people do? He says (after a lengthy explanation of the conditions) that some choose to terminate their pregnancy. I immediately start crying. I am ingrained of the horrors of abortion.

The Rainman has a different perspective-for obvious reasons. I live, breathe, eat and sleep each day with one purpose in my life: to care for my baby. He has two people to care for: the baby and me. He's trying to process this with factoring in the risks of losing me. That's an added factor in deciding to test or not to test.

I am wiling to take the risk. If I died in birthing my child- I died doing what God put me on this Earth for: being a parent. Rainman is also more willing to look at a quality of life: would this child be suffering if he or she had Trisomy 13 or 18? If so, is it fair for us to be selfish and allow the suffering?

Two years ago this month, my cat, Terrell, died. Terrell was the best cat- in the world. I knew he was sick, but his condition deteriorated so quickly in 24 hours that I had no idea he was going to die. That last hour, 6 am on a Saturday morning- no vet around open- I held him and tried to make his last moments peaceful. We raced to the vet to be there at 7 when they opened, and he took his last breaths in the parking lot. It was horrible- he suffered and I held him as he struggled to get a breath. About two years prior, his brother-Marshall- got very ill and I was able to get him to the vet. I knew nothing could be done, so they gave him a shot so he would fall asleep and die peacefully.

I know it infuriates people that I'd compare cats to babies. I realize it isn't the same thing- but the moral is. If I could've gotten Terrell to the vet- I would've given him the shot.

If I got The Test- could I make the same decision? Honestly- the answer is no. I believe, in my heart, that a baby suffers during an abortion. I believe I would want- if only for a few moments, weeks or days- to experience parenthood and that my child would be perfect to me.

Fortunately, Rainman can see the pros and cons more clearly than I can. I guess it is a gift that I've chosen a man who believes in women's rights more than I do- because he is allowing me to make this decision. Before writing this blog, I'd say there was a 25% chance I would've had the test....I think putting it into words has helped me decide.

I know my brain- and I know this will remain on a brain burner for a few weeks. I'm thankful I took the time to process it and appreciate that anyone read this whole thing :)