So I'm 6.5 months pregnant (or 24 weeks and 6 days, if you want to know the truth)

There are still nights when I am in bed and I cry. I am so excited about this baby growing inside if me. I have moments when I imagine holding her in my arms and it is beyond words. 

When one if my "kids", Jordan Lykes, found out I was pregnant, she was excited because she knew how bad I wanted this. I don't think many people realized just how important this was. I hid it. People would constantly ask about having kids, tell me how wonderful if a parent I would be, say they've always pictured me as a mom. I just didn't think it would happen. 

I am so blessed. I know it and I bet I thank God at least 25 times a day. However, pregnancy is NOT fun. Here's why:

1) I've only gained 12 pounds. My waist is still smaller than when I weighed 263.5. I feel like I've gained 100...and not in an "I'm so fat" sort of way. Nope. This is in an "I can't breathe" sort if way. 

2) I still check for blood after every restroom trip. Lets say I potty a minimum of 12 times a day. Think about that. Of course- this reminds me to Thank God! 

3) Speaking of restroom trips- they never cease. You go almost hourly while asleep. Interesting fact: the fluid from your extremities comes home at night- entering your bloodstream and making you pee. 

4) speaking of restroom trips: there is a reason new moms don't gag at their baby's crap. The reason is- they've been gagging at their own for 9 months. It's horrible. One day is likes delivering an elephant our if your ass and the next is diarrhea (cha cha cha). Ugh!

5) Google. Yep. I have no idea how pregnant women survived pre-Internet. I bet they didn't develop every possible issue though. I bet I google every feeling or pain I have. The good news is: so does everyone else. You never feel alone is your left leg numbness caused by heartburn with carpal tunnel at 24 w is the baby kicking. 

6) baby movement. EVERYONE asks, "Have you felt the baby move yet?" This question leads to more google searches. Fortunately, I now know I have an anterior placenta and my baby movement is different from others. 

7) You feel old. The amount of aches and pains I experience is apparently the same as my 80 year old Granma. Worse? I talk about it nearly as much as she does. 

8) This second trimester burst of energy promise is a LIE. Thanks, Pinnochio. I've got about 2 weeks left until the 3rd trimester and I've yet to find it. 

9) the moodiness is still here. If you don't believe me, ask my mom or my husband. I'm emotional, cranky and constantly worrisome. 

10) It's impossible to be comfortable. Remember #7? Yep- well this aches and pains that are from your shoulders down to your toes make everything uncomfortable: sleeping, sitting, standing, breathing, eating...

11) Guilt. I wonder if everything I do will hurt Harper Grace. I rarely will take ONE Tylenol. I won't eat lunch meat. I drink one and only one caffeinated drink a day. I don't read my scary mysteries or the good sex scene novels. I'm trying to quit cussing. 

12) Pee! This is no joke. You pee yourself regularly. No..you don't soak your drawers, but like teaching a kindergartener to glue "a little dab'll do"

13) Boob obsession. This is Michael's favorite part (yea right). I ask him weekly if my boobs are any bigger? What about my nipples? Have they changed colors? Is my linea nigre showing? Lately I've started an informal measurement of belly button depth.

Being pregnant is awesome. I love the idea of it. I'm blessed to have my baby girl. It just isn't fun. It's kind of like the Warrior Dash. I'm so proud to do it, but there are some bumps, bruises, hills and tears along the way. 

That's my update. I'm now going to bed so my retained fluid can return to its assigned location. 

Wedding Jitters

Let me be clear, I don't have a doubt in my mind about the man that will become my husband tomorrow. He's perfect. We laugh, poke fun, love, console and are best friends to each other. We've been through a tornado that could've taken his life, a blizzard that lasted about a week, death and turmoil. I know he's "the one" and he will be an amazing daddy to my little girl. 

It's not him that makes me nervous. It's marriage. The institution. The lifelong commitment. It's the 50% success rate. I don't know many people who are successful at marriage. It's not like becoming an engineer or a chemist. They don't have classes or textbooks or continuing education. 

My parents are divorced. Their parents are divorced. I have a handful of aunts and uncles who haven't been divorced. Friends divorce- it's so easy. I've been married once before and I was HORRIBLE at it.  

How do you guarantee success? How do we stay secure in our relationship so that we don't fail? How do we stay IN love and not just love each other? How do we handle being two (incredibly) independent people merging into one household. 

You see, that blizzard is the longest we've ever "lived" together. Yep- we've taken vacations, but never alone for that long. We stay together on the weekends, but we maintain two households. How do we handle finances without allowing them to come between us? How do we raise our daughter to be an amazing, loving little girl without screwing up? How do we avoid being "those parents" at a restaurant. You know, the ones that sit in silence with each other and only talk to their kid? How do we make important decisions about where to live, what to do for holidays or whether to allow our daughter to date? 

I honestly don't know. I wish I did. Truth is, I'm a horrible student- so even if they had the textbook and the class- it wouldn't help me. I sure hope that my own mistakes will teach me a lesson or two. I cross my fingers that we'll remember never to go to bed angry and talk stuff out. I pray that we provide an example for Harper Grace and show her what a loving relationship looks like. Heck, maybe we can show ourselves. 

Thanks everyone for the prayers and the well wishes- I hope they don't end tomorrow. Yep- that may be the easiest day of our journey together. 

An Angel is born.... Or at least moves home

I was so sad to see the news that Mike Marion passed away. I know many of you never met Mike, and maybe you're wondering just who he is. 

In Late January of 1999, we had a break-in. I was living with Jake and Drew at the time and some ass decided to bring three friends and crash into our apartment. We were all assaulted and this day, nearly 14 years later, I can see the face of the "guard" standing outside our door to stop us. Fortunately, the ass who instigated this was one of my middle school crushes- I'd have known him anywhere. We called the police, went to the hospital (mostly because Drew's Samson locks were covered in blood). 

The West Lafayette Police Department assigned a detective to our case. I won't lie- it scared me to death. I didn't want to leave home, go to class or be around anyone. Jake bought a gun...THE GUN. 

So this detective was an amazing woman. Her name is Cindy. Cindy Marion. We weren't the easiest victims to deal with. I was needy and the guys wanted to pretend it didn't happen. 

Cindy helped us through all of it. She helped us when I was driving one day and saw the "guard" guy sitting on a front porch. She helped us through the court case and testifying. More importantly, she got Jake and I through it. 

She invited us to church. Us to church. Back then, that was like inviting a chicken to Chic-Fil-A. I mean, she was a police detective- we HAD to go. Right? She then introduced us to her family...and Mike. 

Mike became like a father to us, they both became like parents. They kept us coming to church. They mentored us, encouraged us and helped us as a couple, as Christians and as people. 

We became Sunday School teachers for the teens. I was baptized. We stayed active in the church. Our relationship with the Marions grew. They were present when we got married and supported us as we tried to be successful. They were there for me when Jake used THE GUN to take his own life. 

I guess I cut many people in my life out when he died. It was my way of moving on...I haven't talked to our pastor from Lafayette. I didn't socialize with my hometown friends for almost 10 years. I was timid each time I went to the mall, because I might run into someone. 

Just a few months ago, Cindy sent me a friend request on Facebook. It was great to see an update on their lives, how the kids have grown and how Cindy and Mike haven't changed. It was so sad to learn that Mike was ill. 

I wish I had taken the opportunity to thank Mike for making a difference in my life. I never thanked him for being a role model, a father figure and a friend. 

There's no doubt that Mike is in Heaven. He might even have an extra special seat. The cool part for me is I know that he's seen Jake. 

Thank you, Mike. I'm not sure who I would be without the influence of you. Maybe I wouldn't have the same relationship with God, maybe Jake and I would've never married, maybe I wouldn't be a week and a half away from becoming a bride again, or months away from becoming a mother. 

I regret that I never said this to him...or Cindy. Do me a favor- tell someone who has made an impact in you "thanks". Don't wait until it is too late. 

It's a girl?!?

I'm not going to lie, I never thought it was a girl. It was hard for me to imagine myself as the mother of a girl. I always assumed it was a boy. I. Was. Wrong.

I was an incredibly difficult daughter. When my parents were still married, I knew I was a daddy's girl and how to work it...even if it caused problems for my parents. After my parents divorced, I was a terror to my mom. I was mean, mouthy and a brat. I was (am) strong-willed, independent and wanted my way. 

Around the time I became a teenager, my "grandpa" molested two girls. We often joked he never touched me because I would've hurt him. It changed how I felt about men, I became scared around all older men. 

My mom and stepdad were hard on me. I had to (gasp!) get a job by the age of 16. I was grounded constantly. I had to maintain good grades. 

I did stupid things: I had sex way too young, I got mad at my mom and drank facial astringent, I ran away. I was still mouthy- heck, I was mouthier.

I didn't learn to appreciate my mom until after my husband died. I then dated a guy with a daughter for about 7 years. She was a daddy's girl that could get anything with the word"daaaaaaeeeey". It was my lone shot at parenting, and I sucked. 

I was so hard on Christina. Argued with her over stuff that didn't need to be argued about, stood my ground when I didn't need to. Sometimes i didn't even giver her a chance to explain. 

I also had amazing experiences with her- she went to protest at the school board with me, she developed her own mind, we took road trips together, shopped for baggy jeans, went to the beach, and ate at the Waffle House in pj pants. 

I knew why my mom was "hard" on me. I knew what she hoped and dreamed for me, and who she wanted me to become. 

The good news is that I turned out pretty darn well. I'm independent, successful and smart. I've become my own future and managed to overcome the challenges in my life. My mom did a good job.

Christina is a pretty great kid. She's smart, independent and incredibly hardworking. 

I'm going to have a baby girl. I'm going to have a chance to do this start to finish. I know she will be a daddy's girl. There's no doubt in my mind. I just hope she will be a little bit of a momma's girl too. I hope I can teach her my passion for reading. I hope she, like me, will be involved at school, outspoken for what she believes in and a little independent. 

I also hope she will be a little bit girly. I sure wasn't! I wore boxer shorts and t-shirts all if the time, I borrowed my dad's jeans to wear. I still don't wear make-up. My Christina is a lot like me. She loved Aetnies skateboard shoes, baggy jeans, and tshirts. One of our bigger disagreements was because she was supposed to wear a dress to 5th grade graduation and she refused. 

I hope Harper Grace will be a little bit tomboy- love sports. I also hope she will want a pedicure every now and then. 

I'm not ready to think about boys, periods or broken hearts. What if she wants to ride a party bus to prom? Go tanning at a young age? What if she wants to ride to the beach with her friends? Wears booty shorts? Reads Danielle Steele at 13? 

Truth is-we will be blessed if she turns out like Christina, but she won't. She's going to turn out like Harper Grace Logan. I'll be blessed to have part in raising two girls. My challenge is to learn from my mistakes :) 

I am so excited to know I'm having a baby girl. God has blessed me in ways I couldn't have dreamed of. I just need to get this right, and I will. I have my mom to help. 

Well piss!

First off, I can't believe I'm telling this story. Frankly, it's too good to keep a secret. I better start with some background information. You see, I hate the word poop. It disgusts me. I once dated a guy with a toothless stepdad. Have you ever seen a toothless person say that word? I mean, just go stand in front of a mirror and say it. Your mouth, especially the toothless, looks like a butthole when you say it. We will not use that word with the baby and I sure don't use it now. I'd rather you use crap, shit, caca Sri Lanka, deuce, dump, or go Auburn. My siblings (especially Brandon) love to say it long and slow. EW! The only thing worse is someone else's crap. My poor niece used to hate for me to wipe her butt because I'd gag. She'd actually praise me when I didn't. 

So, having said that, remember I'm pregnant and have a much stronger gag reflex. Today we go to the Annual Michael Chicken Stew (that's Heaven in a bowl, by the way). After we leave we have a couple of errands to run- so I decide to potty before we leave. As I hit the bathroom door, I knew I'd be holding my breath during this pee break. Clearly someone had just (as my brother says) dropped the kids off in the pool. Oh but it's so much worse! They. Didn't. Flush. I'm trying to flush the toilet and with every gag, I pee myself just a little. The gagging got worse and so did the pee. Now I'm just trying to avoid pissing all over their floor. Well...after quickly peeing, I try to flush again. People- this was the cockroach of the crap world. That dang stuff is still floating and I'm still gagging. The bottom line: I both peed myself and puked over this load, but I flushed that biznitch! 

Frankly, it's the best pee story I have. It ranks above peeing myself while being spanked by my uncle, rolling in snow while walking home from school to hide my peed pants, or peeing on my cousin's porch because they didn't answer the door quick enough. 

Ill be in Depends before 40... And in the meantime, I'll carry some extra panties with me. 

Pregnancy Trickery (LIES!!)

I'm so thankful to be pregnant, I cannot thank God enough times in a day. Having said that- people are keeping secrets from the non-pregnant. I'm going to reveal a few of this lies- expose them for what they really are. I mean, seriously, it is not puppy dogs and butterflies!!

Lie 1: Your hair and nails grow and are beautiful. 

This is one of the biggest lies EVER. My hair may be growing- but only my nose hairs. Seriously, I'm starting to look like a 90 year old grandpa. I'm terrified to expose my ears for fear that, they too, have developed a toupee of hair. 

My regular hair is hideous. Imagine a Brillo pad. Yep- it is a bit like straw, coarse, sticking out in ways that a curling iron or flat iron could never fix. It hasn't grown into beautiful locks like Rapunzel. It's more of the Scarecrow. This, my friends, is why pregnant women always chop off their hair. 

Did I mention my scalp? If not, it's because I am mortified at the ummmm...well, lets just say the snow showers falling from my head. My scalp is do DRY. Yes, I've tried different shampoos. It's disgusting! 

So, you'd think if my scalp was dry- my face would be too. Right? WRONG! My face looks like I've dipped it in a vat of grease. It is covered in zits, constantly oily and blotchy. 

Lie 2: You get a burst of energy in your second trimester.

Nope. Still exhausted. I get tired walking from my car to my apartment. I basically refuse to grocery shop for more than one bag of stuff at a time. There's no way I'm making more than one trip. 

Lie 3: The baby moves off of your bladder. 

Ha! I'm excited when I sleep for 5 hours without a pee break. My baby either stayed on my bladder, or packed my bladder up and took it on the trip. 

Lie 4: You can eat what you want

This is a lie because IF anything sounded good, maybe you could eat what you want. Too bad nothing sounds good. I mean, I'm content with breakfast food, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and icees. I can never decide what sounds good, but I can tell you what sounds horrible! 

Best example: I turned down a piece of Zoe's chocolate cake because it sounded "too rich".

Lies by omission:

There are some things no one is kind enough to ever mention...

I've gained like 3 pounds and am HUGE. It's no secret I'm having a baby. It looks like I'm having a football team. I though you had to gain weight to be extra fat?

Oh my gosh. No one tells you that you'll hate smokers. I mean- want to punch them in the face with your car kind of hate. It takes every ounce of control to not cuss out people who smoke in my walking space. Kill your own lungs, a-holes. Don't blow your carcinogens into MY baby's lungs.  

No one really tells you about the mood swings. It's like you're looking from the outside and you just wait for your head to spin and green pea soup to fly out of your mouth. Anger comes so quick at times. Ooh- and you cry about everything. It isn't just the Sarah Maclachlan animal shelter commercials anymore. I cry about EVERYTHING. 

Of course, no one tells you about the worries. You know what to worry about in the first trimester, but the rest? Learn it on your own. Facebook and the Internet don't help. Facebook has every kid with any ailment and you want to pray for that family- and at the same time you want to be selfish and just hope it isn't your child. 

What? You got a paper cut? If you google it, you'll see the effects of your cut on your pregnancy and every horror story about pregnant women, paper cuts and the fact they had to have the cut body part amputated. 

Yep. That's just some of the truth about pregnancy. I kept it clean. Maybe someday Ill write my promised book and tell about the stuff NO ONE mentions. 

PS. Kelly...this blog is for you :)

PPS. I found yet another zit while taking a pee break from blog writing. 

Just give me a reason...

Wow, how a year changes everything. One year ago, I had no earthly clue which direction my life was heading. 35 (on the eve of 36), unmarried, no children, and just beginning to start whipping my body into shape. My family was really hitting the skids. Rainman and I were trying to figure out if "we" were right. I wasn't happy with life. 

Now, I'm not talking miserable unhappy or suicide unhappy- just blah. I started to realize that a career isn't your life. That was an interesting pill to swallow. It was just me and Tank- and growing old was scary. I wasn't putting any effort into my relationship and the Rainman wasn't either. 

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough

Just a second we're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again...

Man! I love Pink! This song hits me EVERY single time I hear it. This song was me. It was us. We had to get over a hurdle of laziness and apathy to make our relationship work. 

It's in the stars

It's been written in the scars on our hearts

I wish I could describe the change for us. We reconnected- focused on talking TO each other, spending time together (and not just in the same room). We changed our talk from mine and his to "ours". 

There's more than empty sheets between our love

Our love, our love

We decided in October that 2013 would be our year for a baby. Obviously, we thought it would take a while. WE started talking marriage and engagement. It wasn't just me talking anymore. We knew we'd be engaged by June of 2013. 

In February of 2013, two amazing things happened. First, we found a church that we both love. Then, we found out a baby was coming!!! 

Let me be clear- we were SHOCKED. Without being graphic, we'd only been trying for less than a month and we only see each other on the weekends. It was the best surprise. Ever. 

I never dreamed that I'd be a mom. Well, I dreamed it- but it's the same kind of dream as winning the lottery or marrying Adam Levine. I just didn't think it would ever happen. 

Tonight- as I sit on the eve of birthday #37, I'm so blessed. More than words, picture, song or dance. My life is so near perfection. Im engaged, WE are getting married on July 6 and Baby Logan will arrive in just 5 months!! 

I now have an inkling of what's to come- feelings I never imagined are filling my heart and mind. Rainman and I are enjoying this journey together- with the support of our families. My life has done a complete 180. 

I have so many wishes for this next year- a healthy baby, a happy marriage- the continued peace in my family and well-being of loved ones. 

Somewhere is the saying about waking up and only having what you thanked God for the night before. I try to remember that when my head hits the pillow each night. I know it won't be easy...I've never been a mom before, both Rainman and I are used to living alone and being independent. We've never shared such a responsibility and we'll be doing it in our first year of marriage. 

I know we can do it. I know it. I have faith that THIS is the blessing I've waited 37 years for. We have the most amazing prayer warriors on our side, and we have God on our side.

I can't wait to reflect one year from tonight. Will my heart manage to be any fuller? Will my joy and thankfulness make me explode? I'm eager to see. 

The best birthday gift ANYONE can give me- is the gift of prayer. Prayer for a healthy baby, prayer blessings over my marriage and my family. 

I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them...