New year, new you...right? I'm pretty sure that's the secret motto of sHELLey. At least that's how it felt with the return of Bodyshock Boot Camp last week.
We started out last Tuesday with the beep test, or the bleep test as we call it here. You know, race the beeps to get to the next line. My goal was to break 20, but I didn't get there. I could offer excuses about being sick in December and not running for a month and a half, but we all know what excuses are like. The champion of the day was Jeff (AKA Bob)- he set his goal of 100 beeps and did it!!! That's a whole lot of running. I'm pretty proud of him, but DO NOT tell him. Poor guy won't make it through the gym doors if he hears.
So then we get divided into groups of 3, which was perfect since my gym BFF was out of town. Of course, sHELLey always messes with a perfect plan. She started rearranging groups and put me with two new girls. Y'all know I want to welcome everyone, but this made me feel weird. I can do it from a distance. What?! Yep. Then she wanted us to introduce ourselves, our goals, why we were there. Ugh. Even more intimacy with strangers. Fortunately, I got placed with Amy and Krystal. They both have lost a good bit of weight and have some to go. Yea! Other people like me. (PS. Amy was really nice even though I called her LeAnne for an hour)
I wish I could remember what all we did, but I only remember the dreaded crab walk and suicides. Now, if you haven't crab walked in a few years, please try. It's hard. It's even harder if you have fat arms that don't want to stretch that way, and fat rolls that dont go smoothly behind your back. My triceps were screaming and I was pretty close to death. Ooh we got a break...to run our @sses off. Suicides, maybe some relays, I just remember wanting to be DONE! I also remember an intimate bread crawling moment, but that isn't for blog info. :)
Of course, Friday wasn't much better. We did more fitness tests and lots of exercises. LOTS. However, Friday was really special. We had a packed house and it was like a puzzle...everything just fit so perfectly. The highlight of the day was when "Autumn" (that's not her real name, she's not in the witness protection program, she's Vietnamese and that's her American name) yelled "I can't!" It caused the silence heard round the world. If you know sHELLey you know that "I can't" is not allowed.
The other amazing part came at the end...we were doing the Keith Lankford "invisible chair" (wall squats) and basically, we had to be a team. If ANYONE broke, time was added. It was so amazing to see all of these different adults- fat, thin, tall, short, male, female, young and old support and cheer each other on. We did it!!
Then, because sHELLey thinks she's Jillian and we're at the Biggest Loser ranch, someone got voted off the island. Maybe not that part, but I guess we will see tomorrow morning :) Stay tuned.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Go With the Flow
So, I've decided to add Body Flow (kind of like yoga or something) to my routine. Sure- it doesn't burn a bajillion calories, but it would be nice to be able to bend, touch my arms behind my back, and well... I do want to make a baby this year. Ha!
As you might remember, I've tried it once. It was a safe environment, a room full of friends, 5 am so every was half asleep and most of us were virgins. It was okay to mess up, giggle or be silly.
Not tonight my friends, not tonight. I walk in the room with only 2 accomplices. Everyone else had their mats all perfectly displayed. They were sitting in a trance Native American style and were quiet. Ummmm BORING? I went ahead and apologized to the stranger behind me for what was going to be a show that only Chris Farley could top. She lied and said she was bad at it too.
Here's the thing that I realized is a major issue in flow: you need to know your left from your right. It's a little awkward to have to make an L with your hand to see which leg to put behind your head. Here's issue number two: Flow is basically a trip to the gynecologist. Seriously. The only difference is the gynecologist lets you keep your socks on (okay and has stirrups to keep your legs up). I wish I could tell you the technical terms of these exercises, but we'll just call them "Go 'Head and Spread 'Em". My legs were spread in 60 minutes than mayonnaise on sandwiches at a family picnic.
I'm going to confess to have more issues. I mean, my bare feet were on the for. Sometimes there is hair on the floor. I worried about that. I worried that everyone was watching me try to get my balance for the 99th time. I worried that I would fall flat on my face and break my huge nose (worried/hoped, same thing).
I was sweating like something horrible. These flow folks do not turn the fans on. My shoulders ached and I considered having them removed (but then I'd be eating fries with my feet...). Finally came the "meditation". In the tanning bed we would call it a nap. I enjoyed it for 60 seconds. Then I decided I better buy my own mat. Would I look funny carrying in Clorox wipes to clean the mat each class? Wait?! Is there a hair touching me? I got a little grossed out and my crazy mind began to wander.
Then it was over. Truthfully, I would never be a good instructor at this. It's so quiet and serious and let me say that Kelsey rocked it. She was super instructional and was giving options a lot (thank goodness). I think it's a challenge. Ive got to conquer this. I must be able to put one leg through without looking like a toddler trying to stand for the first time. I want to BE a cobra.
Oh...and I wouldn't mind being a little more flexible.
As you might remember, I've tried it once. It was a safe environment, a room full of friends, 5 am so every was half asleep and most of us were virgins. It was okay to mess up, giggle or be silly.
Not tonight my friends, not tonight. I walk in the room with only 2 accomplices. Everyone else had their mats all perfectly displayed. They were sitting in a trance Native American style and were quiet. Ummmm BORING? I went ahead and apologized to the stranger behind me for what was going to be a show that only Chris Farley could top. She lied and said she was bad at it too.
Here's the thing that I realized is a major issue in flow: you need to know your left from your right. It's a little awkward to have to make an L with your hand to see which leg to put behind your head. Here's issue number two: Flow is basically a trip to the gynecologist. Seriously. The only difference is the gynecologist lets you keep your socks on (okay and has stirrups to keep your legs up). I wish I could tell you the technical terms of these exercises, but we'll just call them "Go 'Head and Spread 'Em". My legs were spread in 60 minutes than mayonnaise on sandwiches at a family picnic.
I'm going to confess to have more issues. I mean, my bare feet were on the for. Sometimes there is hair on the floor. I worried about that. I worried that everyone was watching me try to get my balance for the 99th time. I worried that I would fall flat on my face and break my huge nose (worried/hoped, same thing).
I was sweating like something horrible. These flow folks do not turn the fans on. My shoulders ached and I considered having them removed (but then I'd be eating fries with my feet...). Finally came the "meditation". In the tanning bed we would call it a nap. I enjoyed it for 60 seconds. Then I decided I better buy my own mat. Would I look funny carrying in Clorox wipes to clean the mat each class? Wait?! Is there a hair touching me? I got a little grossed out and my crazy mind began to wander.
Then it was over. Truthfully, I would never be a good instructor at this. It's so quiet and serious and let me say that Kelsey rocked it. She was super instructional and was giving options a lot (thank goodness). I think it's a challenge. Ive got to conquer this. I must be able to put one leg through without looking like a toddler trying to stand for the first time. I want to BE a cobra.
Oh...and I wouldn't mind being a little more flexible.
Friday, January 4, 2013
There's no A in "team"
Soooo... 2013 is here. You might remember I have some goals: get engaged, knocked up, lose some weight (I get that there's an oxymoron there, but I have Shelley-so it's possible). After having the flu in December, it was time to get back to the gym.
One time I was at Johnny Rockets, and the lady at the booth behind us was eating her French fries with her toes. I don't remember exactly why, but I'm guessing she didn't have hands or something. Here's the thing, if I was that lady- I'd lose a ton of weight this week. I couldn't use my legs to eat because they're killing me! Fine, we all know my fat rolls would block my legs from reaching my mouth...just, don't ruin my story.
I attended the GCC's first class of 2013-Body Pump at 5 am on Wednesday. I honestly considered camping out the night before just to be sure I got a spot. Apparently a bunch of people start working out in January for their resolutions. Heck- how would I know? I've been in the fitness protection program for years!! Oh my gah! I wish I could tell you which part of my body hurt the worst,but it was everything! My legs, knees, chest, shoulders. If I could fit on a stretcher, I might have called for an ambulance. At one point, I thought my left calf muscle was going to rip off my leg. We also weighed in after class and I weighed 222.6 (accountability).
As everyone knows, the best way to work off exercise pain is to exercise. Really?! That sounds like a beer commercial suggesting more alcohol helps a hangover. So, I went back to the gym at 5 am on Thursday for Body Attack. Ha! If no one would've noticed, I considered going out and sitting on the bench. I was so tired!!! Plus, now that people actually read this blog, I can't make fun of things that happen. Okay, I will anyway. There was this fit girl who kept like racing me during the running track. I mean, seriously. Racing me? I was beat in my first 5k by a dude with one leg. I'm slow. Oh yea- and my body still hurt: knees, hip, shoulders, chest, head, shoulders, knees and toes. Anyway, I just let her win. Trying to be the bigger person and all.
Third time is a charm... so I went back again today. My first boot camp in over a month. I asked Shelley if it was going to be hard and she said, "If I made you go up the stairs 3 times, you'd think it was hard." (Uh duh!). Well, it was hard. I had to go up the stairs FIVE times. I taught fifth grade math and can confirm that's more than three! First, we had to go run a mile. Truthfully, they ran a mile. I walked. Then I got brave and decided to try and run. A certain butthead came up behind me and hollered, nearly risking the ambulance need again. Ugh.
Of course, what's a good boot camp without a basket of tennis balls? Divide into teams (assigned because the teacher knows the talkers...), do exercises for four minutes, back up the stairs for a lap, more exercises until everyone is back from their lap, draw more balls, repeat.
Here's the thing- our last exercises were tricep dips and the crab walk. I. Cannot. Crab walk. The back of my arms have this fat that blocks smooth movement and I was dying. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I hadn't been to BC in a month. So, the 4 minutes ends and it's time to run. Shelley tells me that I better hurry or the others will have to work harder while waiting in me.
I told her, "I don't care. There's no A in team." Ummm...
Well, I survived. I'm hoping next week is better for my body.
One time I was at Johnny Rockets, and the lady at the booth behind us was eating her French fries with her toes. I don't remember exactly why, but I'm guessing she didn't have hands or something. Here's the thing, if I was that lady- I'd lose a ton of weight this week. I couldn't use my legs to eat because they're killing me! Fine, we all know my fat rolls would block my legs from reaching my mouth...just, don't ruin my story.
I attended the GCC's first class of 2013-Body Pump at 5 am on Wednesday. I honestly considered camping out the night before just to be sure I got a spot. Apparently a bunch of people start working out in January for their resolutions. Heck- how would I know? I've been in the fitness protection program for years!! Oh my gah! I wish I could tell you which part of my body hurt the worst,but it was everything! My legs, knees, chest, shoulders. If I could fit on a stretcher, I might have called for an ambulance. At one point, I thought my left calf muscle was going to rip off my leg. We also weighed in after class and I weighed 222.6 (accountability).
As everyone knows, the best way to work off exercise pain is to exercise. Really?! That sounds like a beer commercial suggesting more alcohol helps a hangover. So, I went back to the gym at 5 am on Thursday for Body Attack. Ha! If no one would've noticed, I considered going out and sitting on the bench. I was so tired!!! Plus, now that people actually read this blog, I can't make fun of things that happen. Okay, I will anyway. There was this fit girl who kept like racing me during the running track. I mean, seriously. Racing me? I was beat in my first 5k by a dude with one leg. I'm slow. Oh yea- and my body still hurt: knees, hip, shoulders, chest, head, shoulders, knees and toes. Anyway, I just let her win. Trying to be the bigger person and all.
Third time is a charm... so I went back again today. My first boot camp in over a month. I asked Shelley if it was going to be hard and she said, "If I made you go up the stairs 3 times, you'd think it was hard." (Uh duh!). Well, it was hard. I had to go up the stairs FIVE times. I taught fifth grade math and can confirm that's more than three! First, we had to go run a mile. Truthfully, they ran a mile. I walked. Then I got brave and decided to try and run. A certain butthead came up behind me and hollered, nearly risking the ambulance need again. Ugh.
Of course, what's a good boot camp without a basket of tennis balls? Divide into teams (assigned because the teacher knows the talkers...), do exercises for four minutes, back up the stairs for a lap, more exercises until everyone is back from their lap, draw more balls, repeat.
Here's the thing- our last exercises were tricep dips and the crab walk. I. Cannot. Crab walk. The back of my arms have this fat that blocks smooth movement and I was dying. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I hadn't been to BC in a month. So, the 4 minutes ends and it's time to run. Shelley tells me that I better hurry or the others will have to work harder while waiting in me.
I told her, "I don't care. There's no A in team." Ummm...
Well, I survived. I'm hoping next week is better for my body.
Monday, December 31, 2012
It's the end of the year as we know it...and I feel fine.
I was driving last night and felt so blessed. I mean, 2012 might have been one of my best years yet. I was able to share with God all of the things that I'm thankful for...and that's a great feeling!
2012 started with so many challenges. I was obese (technically still am), unhappy, my "friendships" had a rough 2011, I wasn't sure where my relationship with my brother was going or if it was able to be fixed, Rainman and I were "okay"...frankly we were coasting. The year didn't bring much positive prospect.
In March, my new baby niece was born. Memphis (seester, MG) really brought dramatic change to my life. She helped further repair the relationship between my brother and I. She has brought my heart so much joy because she loves (loves, loves, loves) her Aunt Jocie. Of course, she also brought me to Indiana and to my weight crossroads.
I still remember the look in my dad's eyes when I said what I weighed. 263.5. I knew at that moment that something had to change. I bet him that I could lose 50 pounds by December. Here's the thing about me- I don't like to be wrong, so I was ready. I'm sure it is like they say about smoking...you have to be ready to quit.
I started using Advocare by doing the 24 Day Challenge. I learned that there were some healthy foods I enjoyed, and that I am so addicted to sugar. My best friend, Misty, also made one move that was the second dramatic change to my life. She took me to boot camp at the GCC.
I remember that first day so well. I was scared, felt out of place, tired (it was 5 am), and was certain I would die. I remember Tracy trying to inspire me and sHELLey scaring the bajeezus out of me. Although Misty and I have found different paths for our exercise and weight loss journeys, I'm so glad she introduced me to the GCC. More importantly, I'm so thankful that we've both found success, and that she's my best friend.
As y'all know, this blog comes from those first experiences in boot camp. So much has come from it- I enjoy working out! I've lost 45 pounds (probably 60 if you include the times I gained and then lost it again). I can do push-ups, have some muscle tone (if you look closely), and my body has changed so much. I have two pics that I don't show many people (seriously, I'm in a bra and panties), but my legs aren't rubbing together, my stomach has changed, and my poor amazing boobs have shrunk.
I love being healthier- I'm not going to claim to be even close to healthy- but the GCC helped me find someone really important. Myself. I now know who I am and am closer to figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. I can be me at the GCC. I've developed friendships that I cannot describe. My crew. My people. The funniest collection of people you will ever meet. There is no question that I have a core group of 5 am girls that would have never been friends if we met at work, in church or at a bar. However, we are now sisters. We are executives and republicans, tattoo lovers and democrats, moms of twins, moms of teens, and not moms. We are married or not, we are in love. We don't care about the differences in all of us. We even accept Bob for who he is ;)
Finding myself has helped me get over the heartache of friendships that are no more, it's helped me be a better friend (I hope) to those who want to be in my life.
I think it has also helped my relationship with the Rainman. We,too, had some bumps in 2012. Although I never want them again, I'm thankful that we were able to redirect our relationship. Refocus our attention. We got off of cruise control and started controlling our own future. I now know what the future brings...maybe not when, but what.
So 2012, I'm sad to see you go. I know, however, that 2013 promises to bring what you gave and o much more. So, here are a few plans for the next year...maybe you'll help me pray that God continues to bless my life:
1. Continue to be healthier: exercise, eat better, cut stress
2. Be a good friend: I'm blessed with the best and I want to be the best
3. Grow family relationships and maintain current ones
4. 2013: the year of the baby. I really want to get pregnant this year
5. If he likes it then he better put a ring on it ;) (yep- out of order, but if my 80 yr old church deacon grandfather is ok with the wrong order...)
Blessings of 2012 (a snapshot in no particular order):
1. Health (and healthy family)
2. Cancer free- even if Nic had to lose a kidney ;)
3. Better relationship with Brandon and Tami
4. Rainman
5. The blog
6. Best friend
7. The Crew
8. Getting healthy
9. Finding me
I could go on and on. The country song says it best, "Be a best friend, tell the truth, overuse I love you, go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your praying knees get lazy, and love like crazy."
Bring it 2013.
2012 started with so many challenges. I was obese (technically still am), unhappy, my "friendships" had a rough 2011, I wasn't sure where my relationship with my brother was going or if it was able to be fixed, Rainman and I were "okay"...frankly we were coasting. The year didn't bring much positive prospect.
In March, my new baby niece was born. Memphis (seester, MG) really brought dramatic change to my life. She helped further repair the relationship between my brother and I. She has brought my heart so much joy because she loves (loves, loves, loves) her Aunt Jocie. Of course, she also brought me to Indiana and to my weight crossroads.
I still remember the look in my dad's eyes when I said what I weighed. 263.5. I knew at that moment that something had to change. I bet him that I could lose 50 pounds by December. Here's the thing about me- I don't like to be wrong, so I was ready. I'm sure it is like they say about smoking...you have to be ready to quit.
I started using Advocare by doing the 24 Day Challenge. I learned that there were some healthy foods I enjoyed, and that I am so addicted to sugar. My best friend, Misty, also made one move that was the second dramatic change to my life. She took me to boot camp at the GCC.
I remember that first day so well. I was scared, felt out of place, tired (it was 5 am), and was certain I would die. I remember Tracy trying to inspire me and sHELLey scaring the bajeezus out of me. Although Misty and I have found different paths for our exercise and weight loss journeys, I'm so glad she introduced me to the GCC. More importantly, I'm so thankful that we've both found success, and that she's my best friend.
As y'all know, this blog comes from those first experiences in boot camp. So much has come from it- I enjoy working out! I've lost 45 pounds (probably 60 if you include the times I gained and then lost it again). I can do push-ups, have some muscle tone (if you look closely), and my body has changed so much. I have two pics that I don't show many people (seriously, I'm in a bra and panties), but my legs aren't rubbing together, my stomach has changed, and my poor amazing boobs have shrunk.
I love being healthier- I'm not going to claim to be even close to healthy- but the GCC helped me find someone really important. Myself. I now know who I am and am closer to figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. I can be me at the GCC. I've developed friendships that I cannot describe. My crew. My people. The funniest collection of people you will ever meet. There is no question that I have a core group of 5 am girls that would have never been friends if we met at work, in church or at a bar. However, we are now sisters. We are executives and republicans, tattoo lovers and democrats, moms of twins, moms of teens, and not moms. We are married or not, we are in love. We don't care about the differences in all of us. We even accept Bob for who he is ;)
Finding myself has helped me get over the heartache of friendships that are no more, it's helped me be a better friend (I hope) to those who want to be in my life.
I think it has also helped my relationship with the Rainman. We,too, had some bumps in 2012. Although I never want them again, I'm thankful that we were able to redirect our relationship. Refocus our attention. We got off of cruise control and started controlling our own future. I now know what the future brings...maybe not when, but what.
So 2012, I'm sad to see you go. I know, however, that 2013 promises to bring what you gave and o much more. So, here are a few plans for the next year...maybe you'll help me pray that God continues to bless my life:
1. Continue to be healthier: exercise, eat better, cut stress
2. Be a good friend: I'm blessed with the best and I want to be the best
3. Grow family relationships and maintain current ones
4. 2013: the year of the baby. I really want to get pregnant this year
5. If he likes it then he better put a ring on it ;) (yep- out of order, but if my 80 yr old church deacon grandfather is ok with the wrong order...)
Blessings of 2012 (a snapshot in no particular order):
1. Health (and healthy family)
2. Cancer free- even if Nic had to lose a kidney ;)
3. Better relationship with Brandon and Tami
4. Rainman
5. The blog
6. Best friend
7. The Crew
8. Getting healthy
9. Finding me
I could go on and on. The country song says it best, "Be a best friend, tell the truth, overuse I love you, go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your praying knees get lazy, and love like crazy."
Bring it 2013.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Two Fat Girls Walk into a Yoga Bar
Holy smokes! I haven't blogged in nearly two months! Writer's block? Maybe.
So I tried this class called BodyFlow. My rendition was more like BodyJerk. Let me be honest, I so did not try this class on purpose. It was launch week (yea, yea, in OCTOBER) and I was at Boot Camp. We did our usually 15 minute run. Clearly I should've noticed Shelley's flip-flops...or the matching Flow instructors coming in a 5 am. Seriously though, y'all. It was 5 in the morning. I'm lucky to notice if I'm dressed. We walk into the group exercise (READ: Zen) room. The lights were off, it was calm, mats were on the floor. I was stoked. Nap time? Heck yea!!! Ummmm no. Three lovely instructors trying to keep a straight face as they taught us the pretzel, inside out dog, the headstand and rubbing your belly while patting your head.
Frankly, I thought I was going to be a cakewalk. I did some yoga in my skinnier days. I mean, I tried it. Wrong! I was pouring sweat 5 minutes in. I was using muscles I've never used in the gym (ok, not those muscles). It hurt! It was hard. Plus, it was all "Ohm" and I wanted to shout or curse or at least crack a self- depreciating joke. Shelley was basically doing the splits on her head, and I was proud to get a 10 degree angle out of my legs. Plus there was "the moment". If you know me, you know that I have the gutterish mind of a 15 year old boy. I actively make "that's what she said" jokes- and laugh at them. So, we get I this position that opens every single possible inappropriate joke door (I mean even the little door a mouse would go through), and I had to refrain. Ugh! Ohm...remember? At least everyone was impressed with my newly developed self-control.
The moral of the story is: good thing I go to 5 am boot camp. Otherwise I would've had to try spin...and use THOSE muscles. Shelley decided to push everyone out of their comfort zone by having us experience classes we normally avoid. It worked. I actually want to try "flow" again. Maybe I'll be less likely to Ebb.
J
So I tried this class called BodyFlow. My rendition was more like BodyJerk. Let me be honest, I so did not try this class on purpose. It was launch week (yea, yea, in OCTOBER) and I was at Boot Camp. We did our usually 15 minute run. Clearly I should've noticed Shelley's flip-flops...or the matching Flow instructors coming in a 5 am. Seriously though, y'all. It was 5 in the morning. I'm lucky to notice if I'm dressed. We walk into the group exercise (READ: Zen) room. The lights were off, it was calm, mats were on the floor. I was stoked. Nap time? Heck yea!!! Ummmm no. Three lovely instructors trying to keep a straight face as they taught us the pretzel, inside out dog, the headstand and rubbing your belly while patting your head.
Frankly, I thought I was going to be a cakewalk. I did some yoga in my skinnier days. I mean, I tried it. Wrong! I was pouring sweat 5 minutes in. I was using muscles I've never used in the gym (ok, not those muscles). It hurt! It was hard. Plus, it was all "Ohm" and I wanted to shout or curse or at least crack a self- depreciating joke. Shelley was basically doing the splits on her head, and I was proud to get a 10 degree angle out of my legs. Plus there was "the moment". If you know me, you know that I have the gutterish mind of a 15 year old boy. I actively make "that's what she said" jokes- and laugh at them. So, we get I this position that opens every single possible inappropriate joke door (I mean even the little door a mouse would go through), and I had to refrain. Ugh! Ohm...remember? At least everyone was impressed with my newly developed self-control.
The moral of the story is: good thing I go to 5 am boot camp. Otherwise I would've had to try spin...and use THOSE muscles. Shelley decided to push everyone out of their comfort zone by having us experience classes we normally avoid. It worked. I actually want to try "flow" again. Maybe I'll be less likely to Ebb.
J
Saturday, October 6, 2012
This Wasn't on the Brochure
So, today was the Warrior Dash. Let me be clear- no blog, no pictures, no stories or bruises can do it justice. This is one bad mamba jamba.
I'm going to try to tell y'all all about it, but I might get tired and have to do stages or something. Ugh.
A. Doing the Warrior Dash was so not my idea. Although we can't find the original source of peer pressurers, we're pretty sure their names are Catol and Rachel.
B. we had great plans of training for this event. We were going to the rock climbing place, lose weight, run... Ha! However, we learned that sHELLey is the best training.
Once upon a time there were four girls and one husband who decided to do a really insane 5K. They met a handsome prince (ok, he drove us there) who happened upon the opportunity for some "fun" at the last minute. The fire shot, they jumped around and then they heard "Go!" They started jogging through a real pasture with animal patties and holes.
The first came across a barrier that they had to crawl under and climb over. They crawled under barbed wire and smashed their thighs on the wood walls...
Much like Hansel and Gretel, they ventured into a scary forest. The handsome prince (trust me, he deserves much better for all he did) led the crew down a steep path in the forest. It was slippery and someone (me) wiped out immediately. Fortunately, there were no broken bones and they were able to continue to the rope climb. Each member had to tug a rope as they climbed to the top of the steep valley.
After a few more paces, they came to this crossing that required them to crawl up some wood and cross (up and down) the land.
Then they saw the fun! It was an "easy" obstacle. All they had to do was walk into some mud, climb a wee hill and slide back down. This girl was excited! Oops! Mud is slippery and it was hard to climb. To the tip top I got, woosh! Back to the bottom, I fell. Not once, not twice, but three times! Sadly, the third time included knocking down a person behind me. The prince could be heard shouting and giggling, "This is fun!"
They traipsed through the forest, down the valley and back up. Tears came with the rain. This girl was ready to quit. The crew stepped in, holding my hand, talking me out of hyperventilation and down the next valley. Some slid down on their butts, others went through the brush- getting caught by thorny bushes. Through a trap of lines, a mud tunnel on our hands and knees, more mud, another wipeout, and a tight rope bridge.
Am I forgetting stuff? Probably. The crew stayed together- faced the mud, the falls and the challenges. Soon, a deep pond could be seen. I could hear the Turtleman's cry-"Live Action" as I splashed into the murky water, feeling the tangle of pond plants. We had to team up- the Prince pulling our arms and strangers pushing our feet as we climbed on the barrier in the middle. On the other side, we had to plunge back into the freezing water, swallowing and choking on pond muck, swimming to the other side.
What is that? Music? The end is in sound. They crawled under the military barbed wire, raced-ish (as much as possible while covered in mud, soaking wet, physically spent) to the cargo nets. Oh my GAH! They loomed about 20+ feet up in the air- would this be our demise? My crew cheered me on, reassured me as I crossed the top and started back down. Whew!
The crowd was going wild! We were at the end. Our friends could see us and cheer us on, two obstacles to go, we can do it!
They ran- leaping over two walls of fire! One more...hands and knees, another mud crawl to the end. Right, left, right, left. My sidekick, my partner, BRENNA (making sure she sees her name) met me and we grabbed hands and crossed the finish.
That's where this story of the adventure ends. The handsome prince drove the warriors to their cars (in his undies) and everyone returned to their abodes.
So...you know when you shower after being at the beach and sand just falls out of your suit? Imagine that with mud, the longest shower can't help you feel clean and 9 hours later, you still itch.
You now worry about the feverish feeling- did I get a flesh eating bacteria? Is a cut infected? There is the sore butt, wrist and bruised knees and shins to keep as memories.
More than that- the fact that a 21 year old kid helped a group of middle-aged women through, the strangers who cheered, gave words of encouragement or a hand. The friends who made memories that won't ever go away. The knowledge that without our boot camp and sHELLey, sHELLey's BELLes wouldn't have made it. The idea that we did it, we didn't fail, we didn't skip a single obstacle. That's what today was about. Of course, as we slipped and slided down the forest slopes, one woman shouted, "This is not on the brochure." Thank you, strange lady. You titled my blog.
I'm going to try to tell y'all all about it, but I might get tired and have to do stages or something. Ugh.
A. Doing the Warrior Dash was so not my idea. Although we can't find the original source of peer pressurers, we're pretty sure their names are Catol and Rachel.
B. we had great plans of training for this event. We were going to the rock climbing place, lose weight, run... Ha! However, we learned that sHELLey is the best training.
Once upon a time there were four girls and one husband who decided to do a really insane 5K. They met a handsome prince (ok, he drove us there) who happened upon the opportunity for some "fun" at the last minute. The fire shot, they jumped around and then they heard "Go!" They started jogging through a real pasture with animal patties and holes.
The first came across a barrier that they had to crawl under and climb over. They crawled under barbed wire and smashed their thighs on the wood walls...
Much like Hansel and Gretel, they ventured into a scary forest. The handsome prince (trust me, he deserves much better for all he did) led the crew down a steep path in the forest. It was slippery and someone (me) wiped out immediately. Fortunately, there were no broken bones and they were able to continue to the rope climb. Each member had to tug a rope as they climbed to the top of the steep valley.
After a few more paces, they came to this crossing that required them to crawl up some wood and cross (up and down) the land.
Then they saw the fun! It was an "easy" obstacle. All they had to do was walk into some mud, climb a wee hill and slide back down. This girl was excited! Oops! Mud is slippery and it was hard to climb. To the tip top I got, woosh! Back to the bottom, I fell. Not once, not twice, but three times! Sadly, the third time included knocking down a person behind me. The prince could be heard shouting and giggling, "This is fun!"
They traipsed through the forest, down the valley and back up. Tears came with the rain. This girl was ready to quit. The crew stepped in, holding my hand, talking me out of hyperventilation and down the next valley. Some slid down on their butts, others went through the brush- getting caught by thorny bushes. Through a trap of lines, a mud tunnel on our hands and knees, more mud, another wipeout, and a tight rope bridge.
Am I forgetting stuff? Probably. The crew stayed together- faced the mud, the falls and the challenges. Soon, a deep pond could be seen. I could hear the Turtleman's cry-"Live Action" as I splashed into the murky water, feeling the tangle of pond plants. We had to team up- the Prince pulling our arms and strangers pushing our feet as we climbed on the barrier in the middle. On the other side, we had to plunge back into the freezing water, swallowing and choking on pond muck, swimming to the other side.
What is that? Music? The end is in sound. They crawled under the military barbed wire, raced-ish (as much as possible while covered in mud, soaking wet, physically spent) to the cargo nets. Oh my GAH! They loomed about 20+ feet up in the air- would this be our demise? My crew cheered me on, reassured me as I crossed the top and started back down. Whew!
The crowd was going wild! We were at the end. Our friends could see us and cheer us on, two obstacles to go, we can do it!
They ran- leaping over two walls of fire! One more...hands and knees, another mud crawl to the end. Right, left, right, left. My sidekick, my partner, BRENNA (making sure she sees her name) met me and we grabbed hands and crossed the finish.
That's where this story of the adventure ends. The handsome prince drove the warriors to their cars (in his undies) and everyone returned to their abodes.
So...you know when you shower after being at the beach and sand just falls out of your suit? Imagine that with mud, the longest shower can't help you feel clean and 9 hours later, you still itch.
You now worry about the feverish feeling- did I get a flesh eating bacteria? Is a cut infected? There is the sore butt, wrist and bruised knees and shins to keep as memories.
More than that- the fact that a 21 year old kid helped a group of middle-aged women through, the strangers who cheered, gave words of encouragement or a hand. The friends who made memories that won't ever go away. The knowledge that without our boot camp and sHELLey, sHELLey's BELLes wouldn't have made it. The idea that we did it, we didn't fail, we didn't skip a single obstacle. That's what today was about. Of course, as we slipped and slided down the forest slopes, one woman shouted, "This is not on the brochure." Thank you, strange lady. You titled my blog.
Friday, October 5, 2012
My Last will and Testament
Well, tomorrow is the Warrior Dash. If you don't know what it is, you can google it OR just assume it's a stupid run that includes a few rounds of Russian Roulette. Lets be honest, I trip over carpet in my bare feet. I run into doors and mirrors (at least then I'm polite enough to apologize). Yesterday I smashed my knuckle in a door. So, a 5K (difficult in itself) with obstacles that include fire, barbed wire, cargo nets, mud, and possibly contaminated water is like wrestling a tiger for raw steaks.
Therefore, I find it best to publish my last will and testament. Basically, I know my mother won't listen to my wishes.
I, Jocelyn Anne Osborne Schilling, of questionable mind (like, seriously- how sound can it be?) and amazing character attest to the following:
If I die as a result of the Warrior Dash please do the following:
1) cremate me and spread my ashes over the Jefferson Memorial pond in DC.
2) give me the best surprise funeral ever (since no one ever bothered to give me a surprise bday party).
3) please close the bottom half of my casket so my cankles do not show. sHELLey hasn't bothered to teach me ankle exercises for weight loss yet.
4) I want to be wearing something comfy- so don't dress me in something tight or fancy. Skip the make-up too, we all know I do daily!
5) for my sister, Savannah Z Osborne, I leave the following: the extra 55 pounds I want to lose, and my ass. It's the only chance she has to get one.
6) for Michael D Logan (AKA Rainman), I leave the Hoho and Tank. Don't bother giving him the cat- he'll get his purr removed.
7) for my workout BFF, Brenna Powell, I leave my exercise shorts. They might be too big for her, but she might wear them in memory of me.
8) for BOB, I leave my real sense of humor, Penn isn't successful without Teller. Oh- please cut off my ear and give it to him too- it'll save y'all from having to listen to him.
9) for Annette, I leave my famous trophy. She was my fellow 5K virgin and deserves the recognition.
10) for Stacy, I leave being Shelley's favorite- and a reminder to always park your car somewhere else if you want to surprise Shelley.
11) for KMo, I leave my underwear. She knows why.
12) for Allison, I leave my stomach. Please fill it regularly with homemade treats.
13) For Melanie, I leave Bob. As his neighbor, you have to keep him in line. :)
14) for Shelley, I leave my blog. Someone has to make sure we get on TLC. Please keep my picture in the gym at all times.
15) for Tracy, I leave all my Lucky Charms. No one loves them like we do. Also, I leave her in charge of keeping my memory alive. She was my first GCC inspiration.
16) the rest can go to my mom- use the money to put my kids through college, throw away my hoarding evidence, and please make my tshirts into a quilt!
17) for Misty D Michael, my BFF, I leave my cat. She will hate this, but it will make her remember me and she can throw it at Dra when he acts a fool (or think about it). Also- you can find a replacement for me for our Christmas Village date if I don't survive.
18) for my GCC Crew- I leave the appreciation of knowing its your fault I died. Why'd y'all let me do something so stupid?!?
Lastly- please make sure I have a black choir at my funeral. I need some of my soul to be represented. Serve cupcakes (no carrots) and mandarin orange Spark.
J
Therefore, I find it best to publish my last will and testament. Basically, I know my mother won't listen to my wishes.
I, Jocelyn Anne Osborne Schilling, of questionable mind (like, seriously- how sound can it be?) and amazing character attest to the following:
If I die as a result of the Warrior Dash please do the following:
1) cremate me and spread my ashes over the Jefferson Memorial pond in DC.
2) give me the best surprise funeral ever (since no one ever bothered to give me a surprise bday party).
3) please close the bottom half of my casket so my cankles do not show. sHELLey hasn't bothered to teach me ankle exercises for weight loss yet.
4) I want to be wearing something comfy- so don't dress me in something tight or fancy. Skip the make-up too, we all know I do daily!
5) for my sister, Savannah Z Osborne, I leave the following: the extra 55 pounds I want to lose, and my ass. It's the only chance she has to get one.
6) for Michael D Logan (AKA Rainman), I leave the Hoho and Tank. Don't bother giving him the cat- he'll get his purr removed.
7) for my workout BFF, Brenna Powell, I leave my exercise shorts. They might be too big for her, but she might wear them in memory of me.
8) for BOB, I leave my real sense of humor, Penn isn't successful without Teller. Oh- please cut off my ear and give it to him too- it'll save y'all from having to listen to him.
9) for Annette, I leave my famous trophy. She was my fellow 5K virgin and deserves the recognition.
10) for Stacy, I leave being Shelley's favorite- and a reminder to always park your car somewhere else if you want to surprise Shelley.
11) for KMo, I leave my underwear. She knows why.
12) for Allison, I leave my stomach. Please fill it regularly with homemade treats.
13) For Melanie, I leave Bob. As his neighbor, you have to keep him in line. :)
14) for Shelley, I leave my blog. Someone has to make sure we get on TLC. Please keep my picture in the gym at all times.
15) for Tracy, I leave all my Lucky Charms. No one loves them like we do. Also, I leave her in charge of keeping my memory alive. She was my first GCC inspiration.
16) the rest can go to my mom- use the money to put my kids through college, throw away my hoarding evidence, and please make my tshirts into a quilt!
17) for Misty D Michael, my BFF, I leave my cat. She will hate this, but it will make her remember me and she can throw it at Dra when he acts a fool (or think about it). Also- you can find a replacement for me for our Christmas Village date if I don't survive.
18) for my GCC Crew- I leave the appreciation of knowing its your fault I died. Why'd y'all let me do something so stupid?!?
Lastly- please make sure I have a black choir at my funeral. I need some of my soul to be represented. Serve cupcakes (no carrots) and mandarin orange Spark.
J
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