Too blessed to be stressed...

Wow. Those words sound so good, and honestly, I wish they were true. Don't get me wrong, I'm so amazingly blessed- I can't think it enough day- let alone say it. It's that dang stress.

In 2000, I married my high school sweetheart. We dated off and on for nearly ten years before we tied the knot. I've never felt love like that puppy love that starts at 14. It's ridiculous and has no boundaries or sense. Jake was an amazing guy- everyone loved him. He was charismatic, funny, gorgeous, and could be the biggest ass in the world. Often, his crooked smile got him out of trouble. Jake was BiPolar, and it was an incredibly difficult illness to face. I have so many stories of the negatives of our marriage, but I also have so many fond memories. We found a renewal of faith together- thanks to a police detective that helped us after a break-in. We started leading the high school class at church, I was baptized, and we were ultimately married in that church. Sadly, our faith ended up as weak as our marriage. I lost Jake forever on May 5, 2002. He took his own life- the battle of our marriage, the independence he never found, the highs and the lows of his illness. Jake lost a child in high school- a girl he dated got pregnant, and eventually had an abortion without telling him. I think about that child all the time. I say child, but we'd have a teenager today if she hadn't made that choice. I think about the years of our marriage that we could've easily gotten pregnant, and yet we didn't. Are you there God? It's me, Jocelyn. I've received that message.

After losing Jake, I moved on. I dated a fellow for about 7 years, and gave up my dream to become a parent- to give birth. It was my own choice, but I did it to keep things happy. We almost fostered, but weren't allowed to because we were unwed. I decided I'd focus on my career and be an aunt.

I can't believe I've been given this chance. I'm going to be a mom, I'm pregnant. I'm so blessed. I feel with every fiber in my being that this baby, Williebird or The General, have God's hands wrapped around, protecting, blessing, loving. I've never felt closer to God as I do at this very moment. I talk to him as I shower, drive, at random moments, and as my last thought of the day.

I suffer from severe anxiety disorder- and I'm without medication. Sure- that means I may worry more than the average person, but I feel blessed.

Last night, I was walking with Tank outside, considering my next blog, thinking about sharing how blessed I am. I came inside and went to the restroom...and noticed I was spotting. I'm not going to lie- I was CRAZY. We called the doctor, googled every symptom I had- and then we did something we've never done before. We prayed together. I sobbed out our prayer as Michael and I held hands. I sobbed as I read the scripture that I claim as mine. Phil 4:6 says "Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything-by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I thought about our church sermon yesterday of feeling at the cross. There was NOTHING I could do. Nothing. I could pray and trust and turn it over to God.

Friends, I'm the biggest control freak you've ever met. I had 10 hours before the doctor's office would open. Somehow, I calmed down. I even slept. Sure, I made 1,000,000,000,000 trips to the bathroom. I slept.

My doctors office had me come in. We did an ultrasound again. I heard the heartbeat- again. I saw my baby's heart, I saw a picture of my healthy little peanut. My doctor did an exam. I'm fine, no bleeding, nothing to worry about. My peanut, our Peanut, is just perfect. We're growing 1mm a day, developing facial features, fingers and toes, perfect.

I'm so blessed. I'm also crazy- and sometimes that wins, but I'm so blessed. Ill never be able, in a trillion years, to thank God enough for this opportunity. The opportunity that I once blew- the one I thought I'd never have. I promise Him that I'll be the best mom ever, and love my baby with all I've got.

I've had no morning sickness and haven't had regular spotting- this was isolated. I think so much about my friends who live with this worry each day, or who haven't had the chance to worry about puking or spotting. It makes me even more thankful.

I know I've, we've, got a long road ahead of us. I don't want to rush this along- but I'll be thankful when my peanut is here to hold. After that I will worry about falls, bumps, bruises, bullies and even driving, one day. I don't want to miss this- any of this.

I am so blessed. I really am. I have family and friends praying for us. We have the support of loved ones literally from coast-to-coast. Every day won't be easy, and I may have some low days- but I'm blessed.

I hope you'll continue to pray for us. This journey is so scary- I won't lie. However- I've got a friend upstairs who is cuddling, protecting and blessing my little peanut. This is HIS child, creation. I'm so blessed. Maybe, just maybe- I'm too blessed to be stressed.

Cupcakes to pancakes

Wow! What an exciting week :) Honestly, life has been such a whirlwind since I found out I was pregant. BUT- seeing the first ultrasound, hearing the baby's heartbeat and the amazing feedback we've received tells me- I'm having the best week ever!

I really want to try to blog more so that I can remember this being pregnant thing and see how things change :)

So, I hear all about this morning sickness thing- yep, only hear about it. Leave it to the fat chick to have ZERO morning sickness. Sure, some mornings I'm a little queasy. I've yet to throw up though (or shrew up as our Mexican tour guide said- that costs $20).

I have, however, had some interesting food aversions. Well, let me back-up. The first thing I looked at when I found out I was pregnant was what foods to avoid. What was the first thing? QUESO. That's like telling a bird to avoid birdseed or a shark to become a vegetarian. No QUESO?!? Apparently, it's a soft cheese- unpasteurized- listeria? So I gave it up. I also gave up lunch meat, Crystal light, sweet tea and diet sodas. (Yea-that wasn't much of a sacrifice).

My gym BFF, Brenna, kept telling me she ate it with her twins and they are ok, but being nervous Nellie. I avoided it. Then I saw the doctor. I brought out my list of questions:
-what kind of prenatal vitamins should I take?
-when am I due?
-how often will I see him?
-can I have QUESO?

Apparently, US QUESO is safe. It's the QUESO in Mexico I should avoid (duh!). I also heard him say avoid Whole Foods... Or maybe just their fresh cheeses. WHEW!!!!!!

Anyway, aversions. At first, I didn't want any sweets. I was skipping the most important part of a meal- dessert. That was sort of hard to hide when I went to Pink with my gym gals. We celebrated my birthday at the restaurant with a brownie that's probably to die for, but I only took a couple of bites. I didn't even go out and buy every new bag of jelly beans available. Last year, I think we bought 10-15 bags of different jelly beans. Heck- I haven't even had a Cadbury Creme Egg.

Fortunately, that phase passed. Now I'm in the breakfast food phase. I start my morning with a Whataburger egg sandwich and my lone source of caffeine for the day- one small real coke. I could probably eat pancakes for every meal...or Waffle House. Of course I am settling for cereal and Toaster Strudels :)

The idea of anything fast food beyond egg, cheese and some bread sounds disgusting. Okay- except Taco Bell. Donuts and bacon sound amazing. Then there are the things that just hit me wrong. Example- Full Moon chicken tenders and Full Moon ranch. They just gross me out right now.

I've been craving spaghetti, poached eggs, peanut butter and jelly and my moms chicken casserole... Not together, of course. I've also found that those little Reese Easter eggs (not the big ones, the 2 bite ones) calm an upset stomach. So does yogurt- but Reese eggs are more fun ;)

Cupcakes to pickles and ice cream?

So just a couple of weeks ago, my life changed forever. I had a sneaking suspicion, but I honestly thought I was on a wing and a prayer. My period never came. Every time I went to the bathroom, I checked and rechecked. I googled the symptoms. I prayed. Then I told Michael, "I'm 99% positive I'm NOT pregnant." Ha! We will see if he ever trusts me again.

Luckily, I had a doctor appointment scheduled. So we did a pregnancy test. She sends me back out to the waiting room for a while, and calls me back. She hands me a pregnancy test with NO expression on her face. I don't know what it says!! So I ask. I'm pregnant.

Many of you know that I was married to my high school sweetheart, and we never got pregnant. Michael and I (while living in two different cities, 45 minutes apart, seeing each other only on weekends) have been trying since January. Thank you, God. Initially we decide not to tell a soul- except for my work partner. She's a "blue" if you've ever done the colors inventory and would notice me changing.

I ask the doctor about exercise and he tells me...low impact, no running, no exerting yourself until you're out of breath. Ummmm, hey doc. You ever met boot camp?!

The next morning, my closest guy friend calls and says out of nowhere, "if you were 4 weeks pregnant, would you tell me?" I am FREAKING out. A few days later, Annette says something about a surprise shower. I go to bunco and it's all talk of babies and daycare. The next night my friend, Lili, facebooks me to ask if I'm still trying to get pregnant. WOW.

So we plan the release. Michael schedules dinner with his family. I tell my family I found a cool game on Pinterest that they will love. I put it together and mail them to my dad and stepmom, my mom and Paps, aunt, and 2 sets of grandparents. In order to play the game, they must have required players present. So my aunt had to play with my third set of grandparents.

Okay, so my dad (after forcing him to check his mail) calls me back.
Him: Hellooo?
Me: Hi! Did you get mail?
Him: I got this green paper that says you're pregnant.
Me: Yep.
Him: Are you lying? Are you having a baby? Are you pregant? Really? (He turns to my stepmom) It isn't a joke. She's pregnant, she's having a baby.

I make mom and Paps go straight to her house after work. They don't get the envelope?! Haha, Postal Service. The envelopes made it to Lafayette 2/3, one made it to Monon and you mess my moms up?!? Ugh. So I tell her to put me on speakerphone and announce the news. Apparently I'm a real jokester because she didn't believe me either. Paps made this sound that I knew he believed.

My colleagues and I were having a blast. Our trip from Montgomery felt like it took 5 minutes instead of an hour and a half. We called my siblings and others. I started sending some friends and family text messages of a bun in the oven. I did, however, try to be sure everyone got to tell at least one other person. My mom got her siblings, Dad got El, Paps got siblings, etc.

Then came family dinner with Michael's family. We walk in and I ask them to play a game. Michaels mom reads the poem and gets halfway through when his aunt yells,"Y'all are getting married in October." His mom says, "No Judy- they're having a BABY!" So fun.

I'm still telling people individually. My awesome cousin has prepared my Facebook cover photo announcement.

So my blog will change directions for the next seven months. Surely other pregnant people have some stuff they wonder and/or y'all can give me advice. Don't worry, Craig, I'm still going to get you in a blog :)

I want to continue to exercise- it's important for my health, but also my spirit of being with my family. Right now I've been walking, but hopefully 5 am crew will claim me still.

Of course, I still check for my period every time I go potty. Then I thank The Lord for blessing me. I hope you will keep us in prayer. I'm so excited and need every prayer we can get.

Did I Shave my Legs for This?

I really want to be a runner. In my mind, I have visions of long runs being relaxing- like a gazelle. In actuality, I'm like an elephant trying to do ballet. It is miserable and I hate running. I don't know what to do- I buy amazing shoes, run with friends, I've tried music, couch to 5K...hate it. I hear running is like tequila...but it makes the pounds fall off. eh. i tried thinking of inspiring people while running- you know- this person (fill in whomever) would be lucky to get to run, or I'm running this for _______. Nope. Set goals you say? Yep. I'm going to run to that spot. Hate it and still want to die. I run at Boot Camp because I don't want sHELLey to kill me, but I hate running as much as I hate burpees. I. Hate. Running. Perhaps my only hope is to get a scary monster to chase me.

So, of course my loathing of running made last week's boot camp even more torturous. Why? Well, we ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. Sure, we had moments of downtime to do burpees or push-ups. We did mountain climbers, squats and jumping jacks. There were high knee runs and basketball hops, but mostly there was running. We had to have a partner and meet them in the middle (Middle? Not so much for my trusty partner, Bob) I think I ran maybe 3 miles and he ran about 5. This also sucked because although we had partners, we were going alone...no one to talk to or joke with. Basically, this is like taking the phone booth away from Clark Kent. My superpower of humor was missing. Ugh. The good news was that this challenge was the FINAL challenge, right? WRONG.

Leave it to Shelley to find additional ways to torture us. Why not throw in some running? I thought my group should be called the chubby checkers (apparently I was the only one who thought that was funny). We had to do a buttload of burpees and crunches- then run a lap. Wait- we also had to walk up the stairs to run the lap and down when we finished. Sometimes we forget how difficult those stairs can be. Of course, when we returned, we did more burpees and crunches. This went on for an hour. Miserable. The trick was, when the skinny fit people finished, they had to come help a less fit person finish. So, at the end of class there were basically two groups. That part was cool because we all went downstairs as a group. You know, like the Combat song says, "We can do it together."

I learned the meaning of the word "shin splints" and I still hate to run. Ugh.

The Ranch called...they want Jillian back

New year, new you...right? I'm pretty sure that's the secret motto of sHELLey. At least that's how it felt with the return of Bodyshock Boot Camp last week.

We started out last Tuesday with the beep test, or the bleep test as we call it here. You know, race the beeps to get to the next line. My goal was to break 20, but I didn't get there. I could offer excuses about being sick in December and not running for a month and a half, but we all know what excuses are like. The champion of the day was Jeff (AKA Bob)- he set his goal of 100 beeps and did it!!! That's a whole lot of running. I'm pretty proud of him, but DO NOT tell him. Poor guy won't make it through the gym doors if he hears.

So then we get divided into groups of 3, which was perfect since my gym BFF was out of town. Of course, sHELLey always messes with a perfect plan. She started rearranging groups and put me with two new girls. Y'all know I want to welcome everyone, but this made me feel weird. I can do it from a distance. What?! Yep. Then she wanted us to introduce ourselves, our goals, why we were there. Ugh. Even more intimacy with strangers. Fortunately, I got placed with Amy and Krystal. They both have lost a good bit of weight and have some to go. Yea! Other people like me. (PS. Amy was really nice even though I called her LeAnne for an hour)

I wish I could remember what all we did, but I only remember the dreaded crab walk and suicides. Now, if you haven't crab walked in a few years, please try. It's hard. It's even harder if you have fat arms that don't want to stretch that way, and fat rolls that dont go smoothly behind your back. My triceps were screaming and I was pretty close to death. Ooh we got a break...to run our @sses off. Suicides, maybe some relays, I just remember wanting to be DONE! I also remember an intimate bread crawling moment, but that isn't for blog info. :)

Of course, Friday wasn't much better. We did more fitness tests and lots of exercises. LOTS. However, Friday was really special. We had a packed house and it was like a puzzle...everything just fit so perfectly. The highlight of the day was when "Autumn" (that's not her real name, she's not in the witness protection program, she's Vietnamese and that's her American name) yelled "I can't!" It caused the silence heard round the world. If you know sHELLey you know that "I can't" is not allowed.

The other amazing part came at the end...we were doing the Keith Lankford "invisible chair" (wall squats) and basically, we had to be a team. If ANYONE broke, time was added. It was so amazing to see all of these different adults- fat, thin, tall, short, male, female, young and old support and cheer each other on. We did it!!

Then, because sHELLey thinks she's Jillian and we're at the Biggest Loser ranch, someone got voted off the island. Maybe not that part, but I guess we will see tomorrow morning :) Stay tuned.

Go With the Flow

So, I've decided to add Body Flow (kind of like yoga or something) to my routine. Sure- it doesn't burn a bajillion calories, but it would be nice to be able to bend, touch my arms behind my back, and well... I do want to make a baby this year. Ha!

As you might remember, I've tried it once. It was a safe environment, a room full of friends, 5 am so every was half asleep and most of us were virgins. It was okay to mess up, giggle or be silly.

Not tonight my friends, not tonight. I walk in the room with only 2 accomplices. Everyone else had their mats all perfectly displayed. They were sitting in a trance Native American style and were quiet. Ummmm BORING? I went ahead and apologized to the stranger behind me for what was going to be a show that only Chris Farley could top. She lied and said she was bad at it too.

Here's the thing that I realized is a major issue in flow: you need to know your left from your right. It's a little awkward to have to make an L with your hand to see which leg to put behind your head. Here's issue number two: Flow is basically a trip to the gynecologist. Seriously. The only difference is the gynecologist lets you keep your socks on (okay and has stirrups to keep your legs up). I wish I could tell you the technical terms of these exercises, but we'll just call them "Go 'Head and Spread 'Em". My legs were spread in 60 minutes than mayonnaise on sandwiches at a family picnic.

I'm going to confess to have more issues. I mean, my bare feet were on the for. Sometimes there is hair on the floor. I worried about that. I worried that everyone was watching me try to get my balance for the 99th time. I worried that I would fall flat on my face and break my huge nose (worried/hoped, same thing).

I was sweating like something horrible. These flow folks do not turn the fans on. My shoulders ached and I considered having them removed (but then I'd be eating fries with my feet...). Finally came the "meditation". In the tanning bed we would call it a nap. I enjoyed it for 60 seconds. Then I decided I better buy my own mat. Would I look funny carrying in Clorox wipes to clean the mat each class? Wait?! Is there a hair touching me? I got a little grossed out and my crazy mind began to wander.

Then it was over. Truthfully, I would never be a good instructor at this. It's so quiet and serious and let me say that Kelsey rocked it. She was super instructional and was giving options a lot (thank goodness). I think it's a challenge. Ive got to conquer this. I must be able to put one leg through without looking like a toddler trying to stand for the first time. I want to BE a cobra.

Oh...and I wouldn't mind being a little more flexible.

There's no A in "team"

Soooo... 2013 is here. You might remember I have some goals: get engaged, knocked up, lose some weight (I get that there's an oxymoron there, but I have Shelley-so it's possible). After having the flu in December, it was time to get back to the gym.

One time I was at Johnny Rockets, and the lady at the booth behind us was eating her French fries with her toes. I don't remember exactly why, but I'm guessing she didn't have hands or something. Here's the thing, if I was that lady- I'd lose a ton of weight this week. I couldn't use my legs to eat because they're killing me! Fine, we all know my fat rolls would block my legs from reaching my mouth...just, don't ruin my story.

I attended the GCC's first class of 2013-Body Pump at 5 am on Wednesday. I honestly considered camping out the night before just to be sure I got a spot. Apparently a bunch of people start working out in January for their resolutions. Heck- how would I know? I've been in the fitness protection program for years!! Oh my gah! I wish I could tell you which part of my body hurt the worst,but it was everything! My legs, knees, chest, shoulders. If I could fit on a stretcher, I might have called for an ambulance. At one point, I thought my left calf muscle was going to rip off my leg. We also weighed in after class and I weighed 222.6 (accountability).

As everyone knows, the best way to work off exercise pain is to exercise. Really?! That sounds like a beer commercial suggesting more alcohol helps a hangover. So, I went back to the gym at 5 am on Thursday for Body Attack. Ha! If no one would've noticed, I considered going out and sitting on the bench. I was so tired!!! Plus, now that people actually read this blog, I can't make fun of things that happen. Okay, I will anyway. There was this fit girl who kept like racing me during the running track. I mean, seriously. Racing me? I was beat in my first 5k by a dude with one leg. I'm slow. Oh yea- and my body still hurt: knees, hip, shoulders, chest, head, shoulders, knees and toes. Anyway, I just let her win. Trying to be the bigger person and all.

Third time is a charm... so I went back again today. My first boot camp in over a month. I asked Shelley if it was going to be hard and she said, "If I made you go up the stairs 3 times, you'd think it was hard." (Uh duh!). Well, it was hard. I had to go up the stairs FIVE times. I taught fifth grade math and can confirm that's more than three! First, we had to go run a mile. Truthfully, they ran a mile. I walked. Then I got brave and decided to try and run. A certain butthead came up behind me and hollered, nearly risking the ambulance need again. Ugh.

Of course, what's a good boot camp without a basket of tennis balls? Divide into teams (assigned because the teacher knows the talkers...), do exercises for four minutes, back up the stairs for a lap, more exercises until everyone is back from their lap, draw more balls, repeat.

Here's the thing- our last exercises were tricep dips and the crab walk. I. Cannot. Crab walk. The back of my arms have this fat that blocks smooth movement and I was dying. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I hadn't been to BC in a month. So, the 4 minutes ends and it's time to run. Shelley tells me that I better hurry or the others will have to work harder while waiting in me.

I told her, "I don't care. There's no A in team." Ummm...

Well, I survived. I'm hoping next week is better for my body.