When the walls come crumbling down....

I'm not exactly sure that this will be my "usual" blog. However, it is what's on my heart- so this is what you get :) I suffer from severe anxiety disorder. Usually, I am able to control it with small techniques and daily medication. However, there are certain triggers and moments in life that really take charge of me and this has been one of those weeks.

I am a widow. Ten years ago on Cinco de Mayo, my high school sweetheart and husband, took a gun and used it to take his own life. He suffered from Bi-Polar disorder. We dated off and on for 10 years before ending up together and marrying. I thought that we could conquer this illness and the challenges that it brought us. Sadly, we couldn't. We were best friends, but the disorder was so much more powerful than either of us and we were drowning, our marriage was horrible. I certainly didn't love Jake any less, but I didn't know how we would make it another day. He didn't either. We separated and he moved into a hotel, which is where he died. I've never dealt with anything so painful in my whole life. My first tattoo came the year after his death and my first real weight loss victory. This story is so much longer- and I am thankful that I was able to overcome it.

This weekend I experienced a personal battle that somehow managed to combine with my loss of Jake, I'm not really sure how, and it crippled me. I returned from a trip with friends to Atlanta and literally wanted my dog, my bed and a stack of books. I turned down my personal cell phone and tried to disappear. I, for a very bizarre reason, made Shelley and Tracy an initial contact when I got upset this weekend and asked them not to let me fall back into my old habits- depressed eating and not exercising. Monday morning, I couldn't get out of the bed. As disgusting as it is, I didn't shower from Saturday until late Monday afternoon. (I did, however, brush my teeth!!!!). I left my work cell phone on and Tracy texted me to check on me.

I managed to get out of bed on Tuesday morning for Boot Camp...I had this horrible fear that sHELLey would find me and drag me out of my bed by my feet. I'd had one meal since Saturday night (and it made me nauseous), so I was NOT looking forward to expelling the energy I didn't have.

I was so thankful to see ZERO jump ropes in the gym. I did buy one, and I did practice on Friday night...and I still suck! We had mats, pancake weights (no syrup), and those exercise band thingies. I will be honest, I was not given 100% for the first part. Heck, I didn't give 100% for at all. We had to do our 15 minute walk/run and I was determined not to run. Honestly. I thought about going to sit in the car. I did not want to run. I didn't want to walk, but I just wanted to play bloody knuckles with the brick wall, walk, and pout. Ha!! If you know HER, you know that didn't happen. She let me walk a few times, but then she said, "Hey! I want to see you running." UGH. She walked over to where I was and I told her I didn't have the energy, that I couldn't do it. She essentially told me I could lay in it and wallow or suck it up and move. (I'm sure she sounded nicer than that). So, I cried. I cried that I didn't want to run, but I ran. I ran half a lap and walked half a lap. I am so glad that I did. I am so thankful that Shelley pushed me when I needed it.

Shelley pushed us all for the rest of class. We did biceps, triceps, abs and legs. Haha- we did this lovely tricep dips on the benches. It freaked me out completely. I was scared to death that the pancake weight was going to fall off of my lap and onto my feet. I have NO clue how much it weighed because it was 5kg and I don't speak kilograms...I speak pounds. So, that cut into my dipping ability.

Shelley was so supportive in her own way. I totally don't see her being the "here's a bear hug" kind of gal- she shows she cares by pushing you and checking on you in her own way. She did text me to tell me that she was proud of me for coming to boot camp- which meant the world to me.

The other funny thing is that so many strangers spoke to me at Boot Camp on Tuesday- it was like they were all planted to do it, but I know they weren't. It was cool. I also thank Carol for her story. She knows what it is :)

The truth is that I went home and went back to bed. I was so nauseous and my head was killing me, but I made it to work for half a day. Today I made it a whole day. I've never been crippled with my anxiety like this, and I know I can get through it. I do want to ask that you all continue to pray for me as I get stronger and face these personal challenges. I am thankful for all of you at the GCC- especially Shelley and Tracy!

I certainly hope that Friday's Boot Camp blog will be full of puppies, kittens, sunshine and rainbows. I'm visiting Body Attack on Saturday since I have to miss tomorrow for a field trip with third graders to Atlanta (see...I told you I needed prayers) ;)

Thanks....
j