Are you there God? It's me Jocelyn,
The title was written on sHELLey's shirt this morning. I'm pretty sure that is a sign as clear as death metal. Perhaps I should've turned around to leave....maybe that's why I woke up sick to my stomach. I don't know, God, is this why some people come to boot camp late or even decide to skip?
I tried to walk really really fast during that "15" minute walk thing, but she could see me and told me to run one lap, walk a lap or run 1/2, walk 1/2. So, I did. I mean, you know I'm a rule follower. It hurt so bad. Maybe I asked her if she'd pick my knees up off the floor, but I wasn't really being a smart-aleck...okay, perhaps just a little.
She also told us that 21 was a lucky number. I'm pretty sure that lying breaks a commandment. I can't tell you which one, but it is numbered somewhere between 1 and 10. She was lying- for real. We had to do 21 push-ups and then 21 sit-ups...then 20 of each, then 19, 18, 17, do you feel me? I made it to 15 of each before half the class was done and we could quit. (Shout-out to those people who were so fast- I love you like a fat kid loves cake.)
I thought we were done with 21, and honestly, I was ready to do a 21 gun salute....well, shots- into my mouth and I don't drink. We so weren't. We had to divide into teams and do a list of torturous exercises. I did get to sing "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes", but it didn't sound good because I was moaning from the jumping jacks, jumping squats, rumpshakers (they're really called bootstrappers, but whatever), and I can't even tell you what else. Oh wait. Yes I can. We had to do this horrible thing where we started in a hover and then get up to a plank...while keeping our core in line. I kind of did it, but not so well.
From here it only got worse. I know you are asking how that is possible, but perhaps you've never seen a fat girl and a jump rope? We had to jump rope 21 times and "run" to the other end, then jump rope again 21 more times. I promise there were more exercises after that, but I don't know what they were. I am scarred from jump rope attempts. My psychiatrist says I might have PTSD. I tried to jump rope with one foot at a time, and my foot kept getting stuck in my pants. I tried to jump rope with two feet at a time, and my shoe kept getting stuck on the rope. I'm sorry because I broke a commandment too, Lord. I lied. I didn't come close to 21 jump ropes on either end, but I was so mortified and worried that I would fall on my face and break my nose that I quit too soon. To make up for it, I bought a jump rope tonight and I promise to practice. Maybe if sHELLey would add Chinese Jump roping into class, I could school everyone. I know how to do it- even froggy style...in, out, side by side, on, in, out. I can do clappies, snappies, this could be my event!! Fortunately, this ended my misery for the day.
Of course, the most valuable lesson (besides don't try to jump rope) is to not wear high heels after boot camp. My legs hurt so bad. I might cut one off with a butter knife.
I sure hope you'll forgive my breaking of the commandment, and that you've heard my prayer.
Jocelyn
Ha! :)
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